If things were to go well... but the fantasy I have had about going out west never grows much larger than this... Being able to finally get solid ground underneath my feet and focused in a chose direction, a little stability with the promise of things remaining calm is more than enough of a future to look forward to. The picket fence around the yard and a a full dinner on the table with a pie cooling on the window sill for dessert is getting too far ahead in the game.
Somewhere, I knew that I had gone wrong, but for the life of me I can't exactly remember when or where it happened. Images of being young and filled with intention and the accompanying visions came through but what was it that distorted them? What happened that kept the reality from occurring the way it was imagined? Even in pondering the tipping point where my life took its turn, I know that even more bone wearying tasks await me, if I am ever to get back on a path of achievement and maybe redeem my existence. There are more steep hills for me to climb with others in sight once I have reached the top, ahead in the foreground. And those hills are perhaps even more steep and challenging that the ones I have already overcome.
Last night, I was up late. Nebraska and I chatted for a bit in an IM and then when the hours crept past, she asked why wasn't I asleep? That wasn't at all an strange question for her to have asked; the anomaly was that I was up late. Even in my 'early burglary years', I was given to going to bed early, or at least earlier than many of my contemporaries. Last night was different. After enjoying an episode of the show, 'Glee', the lines begin to blur. Lines that marked the boundaries of separation from despair and loss from hope and victory. They were no longer blurry from the distance I once had held from them but were clear and distinct. I could 'see' where the horizon met the sunset and could see for myself what was there. The splash of colours were similar to the blurring of the stars when Enterprise would leap into a warp drive and for a moment the ship was in oblivion.
But it always emerged on the other side. Can the same be said of me? As the curtain came down and darkness fell, my anxieties started to overrun the floors of my mind as a plague of mice in their blackness oozes over the floor of an empty wherehouse.
Panic was setting in. A word came to mind, a name -"Columbia," I said. "If I don't keep it together I will never make it to Columbia." I'd speak with Nebraska over the phone and that conversation steadied me a bit. Then I thought about my Ivy League dreams (can anyone figure out what I like the most about Columbia?) and how I still held onto them. Is it too farfetched to think that I won't wow them at Metro Community College and do amazing stuff in the community that there is no choice but to accept me? I know that someone has made such a journey and that there will be others to come. So why not me and why not now?
A super cool quiet acoustic version for 'Help, I'm Alive' can be seen performed here.