Wednesday, May 12, 2010


If things were to go well... but the fantasy I have had about going out west never grows much larger than this... Being able to finally get solid ground underneath my feet and focused in a chose direction, a little stability with the promise of things remaining calm is more than enough of a future to look forward to. The picket fence around the yard and a a full dinner on the table with a pie cooling on the window sill for dessert is getting too far ahead in the game.

Somewhere, I knew that I had gone wrong, but for the life of me I can't exactly remember when or where it happened. Images of being young and filled with intention and the accompanying visions came through but what was it that distorted them? What happened that kept the reality from occurring the way it was imagined? Even in pondering the tipping point where my life took its turn, I know that even more bone wearying tasks await me, if I am ever to get back on a path of achievement and maybe redeem my existence. There are more steep hills for me to climb with others in sight once I have reached the top, ahead in the foreground. And those hills are perhaps even more steep and challenging that the ones I have already overcome.

Last night, I was up late. Nebraska and I chatted for a bit in an IM and then when the hours crept past, she asked why wasn't I asleep? That wasn't at all an strange question for her to have asked; the anomaly was that I was up late. Even in my 'early burglary years', I was given to going to bed early, or at least earlier than many of my contemporaries. Last night was different. After enjoying an episode of the show, 'Glee', the lines begin to blur. Lines that marked the boundaries of separation from despair and loss from hope and victory. They were no longer blurry from the distance I once had held from them but were clear and distinct. I could 'see' where the horizon met the sunset and could see for myself what was there. The splash of colours were similar to the blurring of the stars when Enterprise would leap into a warp drive and for a moment the ship was in oblivion.

But it always emerged on the other side. Can the same be said of me? As the curtain came down and darkness fell, my anxieties started to overrun the floors of my mind as a plague of mice in their blackness oozes over the floor of an empty wherehouse.

Panic was setting in. A word came to mind, a name -"Columbia," I said. "If I don't keep it together I will never make it to Columbia." I'd speak with Nebraska over the phone and that conversation steadied me a bit. Then I thought about my Ivy League dreams (can anyone figure out what I like the most about Columbia?) and how I still held onto them. Is it too farfetched to think that I won't wow them at Metro Community College and do amazing stuff in the community that there is no choice but to accept me? I know that someone has made such a journey and that there will be others to come. So why not me and why not now?

A super cool quiet acoustic version for 'Help, I'm Alive' can be seen performed here.


mac said...

It's never too late!

Chase your dreams. Even if you don't reach the pinnacle, you will have climbed far beyond what you would have if you don't chase them. Never quit fighting!

That corgi :) said...

I'm glad you are chatting with Nebraska Mark; I thought for a bit the relationship was a bit rocky so I'm thinking this could be a good thing? you also sound like it might be starting to come together and you are starting to heal from things that happened over the recent past months, I hope so


That corgi :) said...

I'm glad you are chatting with Nebraska Mark; I thought for a bit the relationship was a bit rocky so I'm thinking this could be a good thing? you also sound like it might be starting to come together and you are starting to heal from things that happened over the recent past months, I hope so


Indigo said...

You know my story and what I've been through. Take it from me, it's never too late to dream, hope and follow your passion. That is your choice and obligation till the day you take your last breath.

Dream big Mark you're already bigger than life, whether you know it or not. At least I believe you are. (Hugs)Indigo

Indigo said...

Hey you, just looked up the lyrics from Metric's Help I'm Alive. Wicked! It goes with the theme of my current book. I've bookmarked the song to read for inspiration. See what did I tell you...bigger than life. (Hugs)Indy

Lovebabz said...

You are a very interesting thinking man. I can't imagine you couldn't dream the biggest dream for yourself and then go out and get it! No matter what has happened in the past...last night or a few minutes ago, you are the master of your fate. You move at your own pace.

Aurora said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Aurora said...

You left a comment and I resp[onded to it. Then you left another, and even though I published it because I wanted to answer it - it isn't showing up! Computers baffles me sometimes!

I would love the light and beauty of the kingdom of God, Mark - and that resides in my heart - not in an ordained nunnery or religion where other people are telling me how/where to see it and how not to. No worries about me singing Ave Maria except at home:)

Solid ground is a blissful place to be. Whatever brought you there, remember and repeat it.
Picket fences can wait:)

Even the steepest of hills is climbed one step at a time. Even if there is a stumble, you just make that one more step. Don't imagine the enormity of the climb -- simply the one step itself.
Taken, achieved, redeemed.

Our tipping points are where we are being asked most strongly to see what works for us -- and what doesn't.

It is where the opening of the eyes, the shifts of perception, can makes the future one of promise instead of pain.

Tipping points are actually opportunities to do and be better than the person or situation that injured or offended you.
You then become your own source of grace and respect.

The other person and what they did is irrelevant - and not about you, for you are choosing differently, even to the degree of not having them in your life anymore.

Inspiration is that which transforms the stuck into the new, and the tipping point that which is where it all began.

We can apologize for what we did that wasn't effective. And then give thanks for what is and move in harmony with that.

Bucko (a.k.a., Ken) said...

It is very satisfying to hear that you and Nebraska are talking again. It is like a rewind, and that can be a good thing.

Anonymous said...

They each carry a different energy, so it's hard to compare, but I think I like the acoustic version better than the electric one.