LIKE CHUCK BROWN I NEEDED TO CLEAR MY THROAT
With my last entries I did not mean to imply that I don't value the relationships that I have made with anyone online. If anything, those who read and comment here ARE my friends.
And I don't want y'all to get things twisted up in here, either. Sometimes I may twist up a sentence or two that sounds good and I do get squirrely and ramble on a little incoherently. Such was the case when I made my 'Narrative' entry.
Trust me when I say that I don't take anyone who reads and have the moxie to keep reading here for granted. But what has been the at the base of my lack of friendship making lies somewhere in the twisted mess that was my home life during my time in high school.
Being more direct about things, I felt a little left out and overlooked by some of the personalites at home. I understood that I was sharing in the same pool of swirling DNA that is being a teenager. Never did I think that I was the only one who was going through what I was going through or that it wouldn't end. What did baffle me and make me feel isolated was my family.
A hundred years ago I spoke of how I understood that my single Mom was spread a little thin with 5 kids and I did not make (much) trouble. I didn't mind that my Mom couldn't spend as much time with me or give me as much attention as she once did. I think that a lot of what contributed to 'My Era of Discontent' was that Aunt and my sister had their own agenda's that smeared the relationship I had with EVERYBODY over in the 48219.
The one incident that certified that I was on that island was when my marriage was in its death spiral. I won't forget that they took her side. The woman who was jumping on their older brother and hindered his pursuit of his hopes, that is who they decided to back. It crystalized what begin as a glimmer of a notion in my teens, that there was a resentment because instead of seeing me as a family member I was seen as an 'outsider'. See, it was something that was verified earlier in my life and why I always seen myself outside of Detroit and away from my family.
My Mom did inspire me to see beyond to look beyond not only the boundaries of Detroit but all I can do is tell you how I felt and why it has been hard for me to count people as friends. It doesn't seem that I fail them but they DO fail me. Instead of wondering why things like that has happened to me and why people have cost me so much, I've tried to move on and beyond that.
DIRECTION
Yeah, I have used this video before. And Interpol is one of my fave bands. But there is a point to all this. At least there is in my mind.
With the ambigousness of my bond at home being matched by the ambigousness of the external relationships I had with folks I'd meet, I have come away without knowing a fulfilling friendship with anyone. It wouldn't be so bad if there weren't moments where I was thrust into the role of Obi-wan to their hologram of Princess Leia and I was their 'only hope'.
Sometimes I will tell myself that I have written the twins off; Jan is another matter because there is NOTHING redeemable about her. But I know if they were to call on me I would move heaven and earth to be there for them. Now if the shoe were on the other foot...
The motivation for this tack is the bait email I got from SD the Monday before last. I mean it was a reply to the Happy New Year note I sent her as '08 turned to '09. We had a couple of movie dates and nothing came of them. Yet I know that she is alone and she has difficulty making friends herself. Her thing is that she has been told that she ISN'T a good friend. In some ways she isn't. Still there is something in her and I saw it.
We were never an 'official' couple. Yeah, there were some 'benefits' but that got boring after a bit and she got hostile as I thought we were moving towards becoming platonic and all that. At that time avoiding speculation I didn't want to be bothered with the hassle.
Of course she has a VERY SERIOUS MEDICAL SITUATION that she is dealing with. I know how she thinks of herself as a loner... she does have family and though there isn't any estrangment that I know of, she doesn't share a close bond. And that along with other quirks we either share or can deal with, is why I let her in my life.
So why is she seeking to involve me with her life now?
3 comments:
good question, Mark. And I think I understand what you are saying about friends and family and choices family made to take sides between you and your ex-wife (and the side they decided to take). families can be so complex in their rleationships and dealings with each other and then some have no problems and get along fine. makes you wonder why some struggle and some fit together nicely and the common bond they share is blood (you know what I mean between family members)
did this make any sense?
betty
I get you, perhaps more than I do others. I used to think I understood friendship and the people around me...until I went deaf. Honest to, sigh, you never saw the room clear so fast in your life. At the point in my life where I needed support and understanding I was thrown to the curb instead.
So yeah, I began to rethink a lot of things about life. What came of it? Deciding who I was as a person. I can be the friend, the nurturer and the loner all at once. I decided I claim my own part and nothing else. If people want to befriend me and later decide to walk away that is their part, their choice. I don't own that, I own me.
Not sure if this makes sense. In the end be the person you want to be, the hell with what anyone else thinks. They don't get to own your consequences. (Hugs)Indigo
Mark,
It doesn't matter as much WHY she is seeking to involve you with her life now -- as it matters whether THIS is the type of friendship/relationship you would like to have.
If the answer is no, (serious medical situation and commonality with not having a close bond with others or not) I would pass.
How do you want to be treated in your platonic relationships?
What will your healthy boundaries be?
Define what that looks like - i.e. getting phone calls returned within 24 hours, going to lunch once a month, birthdays remembered with a phone call, etc.
Define the things that matter to you.
What are they?
What does loyalty look like to you?
What does being responsible look like to you?
What does being kind look like to you?
What does being emotionally avaiable look like to you?
What does being honest look like to you? Does it include being honest with yourself - or just honest with others? Does it include little white lies?
Those are examples of your choices in a way to look at choosing friends from here on out.
Unlike what Indigo said, my belief is that people rarely get kicked to the curb without a reason. Either you've been willfully blind to who the other person is -- or you aren't admitting your part in what happenned.
Lots to ponder...
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