When I went to the Anytime Fitness in Berkley, I had to walk past a resale shop and it drew me in!! There was a bike there and I bought it for $20 bucks. There happened to be a bike shop on the corner of Greenfield & 12 Mile Road. Took it there and for another $20 bucks, got it serviceable.
Saw some nice, nice bikes but I didn't want to invest in a new bike just yet. I don't want to accrue any unnecessary costs with shipping the bike to a new destination.
Another reason to like my hometown is the principal at Finney High School, Kenyatta Wilburn. She is only 4'11 and doesn't mind the comparisons to a female Joe Clark, the cat in New Jersey upon whom the movie 'Lean On Me' was based. She carries an aluminum baseball bat to drive home the notion that she means business and she will do all that she can to provide a safe environment for her students. Instead of shrinking from her assignment, she has taken it upon herself to make a difference, not waiting for instructions or passing the buck.
There are a lot of folks like that in Detroit. But there is still enough folks who are more than willing to blame and complain about the city getting a raw deal in the national press. The incident that happened last year with the CO2 alarm going off and that being the moment my crap nephew decided to take $500.00 from me kind of encapsulates a lot of what goes on here. Sure, there is an emergency and everyone knows something needs to be done. But once someone decides to act they also open themselves to being exploited by those out for the easy buck.
Of course there was a lot about the Chris Hanson report that showed the rough side to Detroit. There ARE neighborhoods that resemble a third world country, a backwards, war ravaged area. There is LOADS of heartbreaking poverty. Locals want to tell you about the 76% of Detroiters who aren't in that situation. But the 76% who aren't really don't do enough to lift the rest up. Also, Chris Hanson is a local product and I am sure that he didn't come here to do a hack job on Detroit.
So that is that with that.
THE STORY YOU ARE TELLING YOURSELF MAY NOT BE THE STORY THAT YOU ARE LIVING
So Aurora wants to know why I have chosen to not to have any lasting friendships. To begin with, I can only claim partial credit for not having any true lifelong friends who I go back with in a continuous fashion. I mean, people have found a reason to not keep up with me as well.
If I were to source it back to its beginnings, this lack of friends in my life, it starts like most things that is in the stories of our lives, at home. Because before I would go outside and feel alienation there was the alienation from within my own home.
The scene changed when an Aunt who had two boys who followed their Pops into the grift/street hustle game moved in. Those relationships fell into the catch all 'those men' bin and she brought what I call the 'Single Women/Mother Matriarchal Complex' into our house.
It would adversely affect how my Mom and I got along. Finding myself telling Mom that she didn't have to worry about me because I wasn't going to be like the nephews who needed the kind of limitations that I was being placed under. To me, it felt like Mom was like a proxy for my Aunt, who acted out her disappointments with the men in her life through 'advising' her.
At the same time, my sister Jan was having her own pre-pubescent issues that would follow her from 'tweenage' to as far as I know, adulthood. What I do KNOW is that between the two of them, Auntie and 'the stinky teen', I felt as though I was being pushed into the same kind of limbo as I was in school and for the most part, in the world.
WHAT DOES IT ALL MEAN?
I don't know how I could possibly explain it all in such a short form and especially since it is something that in my teens I have chosen to live with. This is the story that I have told myself for most of my life. No matter if it is sad or not, I can acknowledge only that I feel fortunate to have had a sliver of insight how best I should live my life and my regret isn't the instances that I have felt let down by the people who I least expect to have leave me hanging, but that I KNEW better to have placed myself in those predicaments.
That was what led to my unhappiness in Virginia. It wasn't that I wasn't loved or that I thought that anyone was in love... but I ... I want to 'happen' in my own life. And that is that with that.
7 comments:
I am your friend, and I am not going anywhere.
Who said you don't have any friends in your life?
it took me a long time Mark to get friends; I had acquaintances but not friends (there is a difference, right?) and now 4 years later in California I still don't have those friends here but I do have lots of friends online (including you) and friends in Montana, so it is all good, right?
but sharing a bit from your past does put things into perspective about future relationships, etc
glad you got a working bike!
betty
Often I'm not quite sure what exactly to comment on these type posts but know that I'm always reading.
And know also that I consider you a friend and hope you do the same. You've been an invaluable voice, opinion and friend in my own ramblings and I appreciate you very much!
You know, not being from here, meaning I was not born and raised here when people I know 'get down' on Michigan, not just Detroit, I find myself defending this wonderful state. There are somethings that I do not like, but there are things that I did not like about Florida too. Michigan is beautiful and is just down on her luck right now. I love this state. As for you, I think that you have more friends than you realize, but I do understand about people not keeping up with you. I have no friends left that I went to elementary school with in my life, but several that I went to middle school and high school with.
Dear Mark,
You seem to have a very inquisitive mind and to be searching for the truth as you understand/see/know/experience it.
Perhaps you may find this place useful:
http;//www.msia.org
I don't know. All I know is that for the last 21 years it's made an enormous difference in my life. I was lost before I found it. Now I have things I didn't know it was possible for me to have/feel/know/understand.
If it resonates for you, great.
If not, keep looking.
Useful answers are found when we are gently relentless in finding effective solutions:)
Who you have been up to now is not who you have to be tomorrow.
You can take the good parts with you, and take action on changing the things you want to, or are unhappy with, still feel are missing, hunger for, etc.
Perception is such a big part of how you view your life.
Sometimes the things most brutal are instrumental in that you decide you want to be as DIFFERENT from that as possible.
Friends comes from befriending yourself, as well as befriending others.
Learning how to healthily love, respect, like, trust and value yourself is an essential part of your fundamental Soul's purpose.
Often we choose to isolate, to withdraw, to stay apart from others because that is what we learned growing up.
We decide everyone is a certain way, and keep with that belief system.
We keep doing the same thing, repeating our same patterns, and then wonder why life is so bleak and everybody else has it so easy.
Dear Mark,
if something isn't working, take another look at it. What are you meant to learn from it?
Oddly enouh, it usually is NOT something negative.
Usually, you are being guided to see a truth that supports you, an encouraging change in awareness that brings a degree of clarity/peace/strength with it.
It feels GOOD in a clean way that neither hurts yourself nor hurts others.
For instance, you witness adultery and deceit at home.
You begin to believe everyone is a cheater. You expect it, and don't have clear boundaries that filter people with those charcter values out.
Maybe you flirt yourself with someone else when you are already seeing somone, or tell little white lies to survive, justifying the need for them.
You have created your own reality all over again.
The choice, the repeated small choices, are to behave with integrity NO MATTER WHAT ANYONE ELSE AROUND YOU HAS DONE OR IS DOING.
To choose being around those people who are living in integrity with the values you respect.
To choose to distance or diengage from those people whose actions are self-destructive or destructive to you.
Friends comes from who you are as a mirror for what you bring into your life.
If you abandon yourself, you will be abandoned by others.
If you do not value yourself, you will not be valued by others.
Etc., etc. on this 'what goes a round comes around' theory of what the Universe repsonds to.
You have a good brain. You are one of those who is searching, rather than one who has stopped looking.
That choice, repeated over and over, brings what you focus on with it eventually...
The Light of The Stars shines on You, Mark. Open your eyes until you can see it guide your way:)
I am actually surprised you headed back to Detroit. I wish you could have picked a different place. Hope your time there is short and that you find a locale that lets you be you.
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