Wednesday, June 3, 2009

TROUBLE

OH NO, WHAT'S THIS??



Stuff is on my mind ... the 'complexities' that I normally ask 'why wonder' about are getting to me. Today. As in now.


I am trying to simplify things, handle them one at a time. But this week my technique hasn't been working as well as I had hoped.


Some of the problems that I deal with because of my condition (you heal from 'injury' ... there will be none of that going on here) relate to my mental processes. While I have been willing to take chances, they were MY chances, not yours. It makes all the difference to me. That is why I am a little unsettled with this latest incident with Nebraska.


Her Side left a comment Monday about how it is when you may need to lean on someone as not only a matter of convenience, but it could be said, of necessity. THAT is the craw in my throat. I don't like it that I may 'need' someone and that it would factor into any relationship I have with someone. I don't want to have to 'put up with', for the sake of getting by to the next day.


ANXIETY ATTACK


Henry David Thoreau was more like the current crop of organic, free range chicken eating folk, driving their hybrid cars and eating organic food. He was rich and well off enough to shun the conveniences that the people of his time couldn't do without.


But I still can relate to his urge to 'simplify'. That and not wanting to burden anyone. Those are the two biggest of my 'purely personal' issues that I have.


I look forward to going out, and being able to go into my place for real, where things are where they should, where I left it. To riding down streets with less concern for the odd butthead driver, who happens a little too frequently for me on the streets of Detroit.


Each day, though I don't want to knock it, there is a 'controlled chaos' around here that is unhealthy for me. One of the things that keeps me going is the idea that I am going to go to Nebraska, and find out what it is that is left in me. So that she would be willing to add to my stress, is very troubling.


I could take or leave her right now. I don't LET folks pick at me for the sake of their inflated sense of ego.


I NEVER MEANT TO CAUSE YOU WRONG

Because the idea of looking back over my life and loves, hoping that maybe there is enough left for 'us' to build on was given to me before my diagnosis, I have held to it. I counted Mookie as a positive relationship, despite its shortcomings. Had hopes for Tee Jay (for whom I am doing this for) and though it was a short lived thing, was about what I expected. And with Nebraska turning this into a triple decker (pre and post Mookie ... then post and pre Tee Jay), I had begun to figure that I would go west, and do what it is that I do.


Maybe I should have used one of the words that SHE HERSELF admitted could be attributed to her. For me, the only time I need to say those kinds of things to anyone is when the Def Con has reached three. That means that something is closer to jumping off that it is not.


Since I wasn't willing to go there, I threw out 'get over yourself', trying NOT to be mean. I don't really go into trying to figure it out ... because avoiding 'paralysis through analysis' is crucial for me. I have to avoid my anxieties.


That is what is happening to me this week, and it really shouldn't be. I keep telling myself that this is going to be a hugely successful and enjoyable month. From getting a chance to FINALLY meet some of you (take a bow, Beth & Ken!), getting in touch with my BESTEST BUDDY from the service (who I am going to see after Star Trek! She is going to fly me out there!!), to just having a overall good vibe, I should be feeling fine.


But I haven't been. I wondering what is going on ...


... AND THAT IS WHEN EVERYTHING CHANGED



It isn't that there aren't 'shadows' ahead for me. A LOT of stuff changes if I have to do this all on my lonely. Challenges or no, I BELIEVE that I can manage to make a life. And I still like where it is that I am going.


Have to introduce the possiblity that I will be by myself when I get 'in country',
when I think about what it is going to be like for me. I don't want ANYONE thinking that they 'have to' do ANYTHING for me.

I am going to try to conduct my first interview for my 'article'. See y'all when I see you!!

2 comments:

Bucko (a.k.a., Ken) said...

If you think there is a chance you will be on you own, I still ask if Nebraska is the right place. I am looking forward to talking about this with you soon :o)

a corgi said...

see I think you can do this on your own, Mark, and like I said before you are pretty self sufficient so I don't think you "need" anyone to help, you might "want" and "appreciate" the help, but I think you are capable of doing this on your own.

I hope you are doing okay, Mark, your name came to my mind when I was praying today so I said a prayer for you.............

take care of yourself and let me know if I can help with anything

I think its awesome you get to meet Ken/Beth!

betty