PERHAPS, I DO HAVE MY CARD SOMEWHERE
Made a spaghetti dinner last night, and I invited AKA over. We hung late, watching '24' and the last two fascinating hours of 'An American Experience' on PBS. It was about the Kennedy's, and the details to the stories I had been guessing at, were made clearer. Now I have all new guesses!
Walking her out to her car, I found myself thinking about how I carry myself with her. I have been going on about how some women in the Motor prefer this kind of cat, when I am that kind of cat (even knowing full well that they are not related) ... and I asked myself if it was still about that for me? Was I still reacting with the 16-year old mind? The confused kid who didn't know what made the cat who looked like Easy E more appealing, and why 'having fun' getting blatantly disrespected was any more appealing than trying to do different things other than get stuck in traffic at Belle Isle and into brawls at the Northland Mall?
So what was it about women, black women particularly again that I was going on about?
AT WHAT POINT, DOES ANY OF THIS STOP MEANING ANYTHING??
With the unofficial start of summer bearing down on me, I am wondering how much of this is necessary, what ever it is that I am doing. After all, I chose this course that I am on, didn't I?
One of the reasons that I don't bother too much pondering on Tee Jay and thinking of Mookie even less, is that they have made their choice very clear. I've been thinking that I had made mine as well.
I don't do road work over in 'known areas of possible connection' anymore. Since I haven't allowed Jenny's contact to mean I should run over and knock on Tee Jay's door, I should just cut that cord.
*snip*, *snip* ... CUT ... HACK, HACK, HACK!! (slightly thicker than I though it would be!!)
Mookie doesn't call me, and I don't have reason to call her. Other than finding her attractive on a superficial level (I find her pretty, and she IS a nice person), we don't have a lot, if anything, in common. Were I actually to have 'missed' anything from our time together, it was being a part of lil' Mook growing up.
BECAUSE YOU SEE, NATURE ABHORS A VACUUM
One of the problems that I think adversely affects relationships is that men and women have been conditioned to accept that we think differently and of all the pervasive stereotypes that exist, sexism is the hardest to overcome.
Whenever I hear a sister say, 'I can do bad by myself', the implication being that black men are 'emotional drag coefficients' to their lives, I think back to what Wayne Dyer speaks on regarding the reaction of the source of all things to that thinking.
If you keep saying and talking bad about things, particularly if they are objects of desire, then don't be surprised when all life responds with is exactly what you are bitching about. By doing that you are designing your own failure in your pursuits. That is something too many black women spend time doing when it comes to relationships. And if they are not doing that, they are 'fishing in a polluted pond'. Doing so GLADLY. What can you tell them? The so called 'bad boys' end up disappointing them in the end. And they KNOW THIS, man!!
Don't know how many times I have heard a woman say that they like bad boys, and the degradation that comes from that association. It isn't that women don't understand what they want in their relationships, their objectives. Often, they value the wrong qualities in people, and mistake temporary things as indicators of long term substance in a person.
Love is a state in which a man sees things most decidedly as they are not. -- Friedrich Nietzsche
Though he said that with men as the subject, I happen to think it is more applicable to women. But the upshot of it for me is, that what women mistake as 'love', isn't love. Because I don't understand how it is that what women see as 'love' or as 'lovable' can be mistaken for anything like authentic affections to build a relationship on.
ACCEPTING THE WORD OF ONE WHO KNOWS
There is stuff that is too darn deep, to intricate for me to understand. For where I am, and the level of life I aspire to, I think I will have to work with what I have. Every 'why' doesn't need to be answered, as much as it has to be overcome.
Much about relationships are 'chicken or the egg' type of questions ... I know I have lined up on one side of things, and that is from where I make my approach. For instance, the paradoxes that create the false perceptions that I may be subject to, are beyond my control. As long as I know 'how' I am going to do what I am going to do, I have to figure that I am good!
Right now, my concerns are centered around going out to fill my housing paperwork out, which I should do in October. Once that happens, it will be getting my stuff from 'here' to 'there'. And that is that with that!