Monday, May 18, 2009

Blowing out the fuel injectors


Lessee what we have here so far, because all of this is crystal clear in my mind. But I thought that it may not be so for readers, and thought that maybe I would take a sec to see if I can't neaten things up a bit around here.

I use so much tortured language that going back over this stuff, makes my eyes bleed. Usually I don't go over my entries, but writing via a keyboard on a computer, the editing is a little simpler. So I have been slowly incorporating a system where I 'correct copy'. If things don't seem to be improving, I figure someone will offer their pro bono services ... oh, it isn't like that, you say? Fine. Accept my spelling and grammar errors!

When I REALLY decided to start journaling, it was to 1) announce my hopes to the world. I had previously belonged to the 'keep it to yourself' school of dream achievement, and while that went well for a bit, it left me a little short. Though I am still close to the vest as far as dealing with people, with enough 'vagueness' to how I aim to go about things, I have taken for me, the extraordinary step of telling folks what I hope to do.

That anyone knows that I want to go to Nebraska, is so big for me, when you think that when I joined the Army, my Mom didn't know I was even that interested until the recruiter brought me home for her to sign me up!

I don't know if anyone has noticed, but I like buzzwords ... but more for what they mean to ME, and not the 'pointy haired guy' from Dilbert or the Michael Scott, who unintentionally interprets them wrong. As long as I have been aware, the etymologies of words have been a big deal for me ... not as much as they were when I was a child, but still...

Following buzzwords as they 'Hulu prep' our brains for newspeak, when I see some words or phrases that catch my mind, I put them in a perspective where they mean something TO ME, and not 'those who sit above in shadow, figuring out how they can RFID the number of the beast and attach his mark to all mankind' wants them to mean. It is my secret way of fighting 'thought control'. Because then new buzzwords and terms,are often 'double think' in action ... what the phrase, action or agency are supposed to indicate, they don't. For me, they don't mean what they are not supposed to mean, they don't even mean what they do mean from what they are not supposed to mean!!

2) To make friends and 'meet' people. The title of my other journal is from a line I got from a Stephen King book that Beth was kind enough to send me, 'Desperation'. Though critics panned it, I don't always agree with critics (man ... what a disappointment 'The Kite Runner' was!). There are several short story's that he has written that I identify with as well, 'Dolan's Cadillac' comes to mind ... too many from the 'Night Shift' anthology well as others.

But in 'Desperation', with its setting in the desert of Nevada, and the landscape of the southwest, evoked a strong reaction from me. There were many words that got to me, but the phrase '... and become friends the way people do on the back roads of life,' said so much about me, that I had to find a way to make it a part of my life.

There are things about me, that if they were going to have changed, I would have found the motivation to have changed them by now. Being 'a friend' is one of them that isn't going to go anywhere.

When I like someone, it is because of something that I LIKE ABOUT THEM. I happen to think we are meant to love, care and invest in one another. My heart is big, so that is what I think I am doing. Not asking to be 'friends' or 'loved' back. If I did that, I would wonder if it really is love that I am giving?

I don't use that word loosely. For instance, AKA and I chat about most everything BUT love. I know what she feels for me, is her version of love, and were I to go down that road, it would be leading her on.

3) If it seems like I am angry at women, sisters in particular, then I really don't think that you have been getting the vibe of my DIARY. I have done as much to perpetuate the problems that affect relationships negatively as anyone. I don't think my experiences on that side means that it is cool that I 'got some payback'. Nor does my 'life on the jr. high-high school D-list' meant it was okay for me to go willy nilly as a young man, even with the bad experience of my marriage.

I do think that the adversarial relationship between the sexes lies at the root of the problem. I feel as long as we put up with 'Men are From Mars ...' kind of thinking, you are going to run into issues. Keeping up the appearances that there are great differences between the sexes, serve only to perpetuate the crap self-help book market! Maybe that should be the book that I write!!

4) Racial Qualifiers. I use them because there are distinct differences from what black Americans deal with in the world and almost EVER OTHER GROUP OF PEOPLE. There is one disenfranchised group that comes to mind, but because I have not done enough back ground, I won't mention it.

Describing what I think they are gets a little heady, and I don't think I am talking out of my arse when I discuss them. If I was a more talented writer, I would go on about them. Like the other road that Frost left for another day, perhaps I will get back to it. As it is, it leads to this ...

5) My Mother was the worst wingman, like ever!! She advised both Pecan Sandie and my ex wife against pursuing relationships with me!! But at the same time, she was the best wing man ever, because she did tell me why she thought the way she did about our prospects.

Before I would file a grievance about anything as far as my upbringing and family support went, I have always asked myself if I got the advice that I needed and if I followed it ... so there wasn't any use in looking down, cause there wasn't a discharge on the ground!! I may not have what I would have wanted, but jeez, in retrospect, I think that I had what I needed!!

6) Essentially, this has become a relationship blog. Ugh! I said it, I said 'blog'!! As it works as a journal, since it is being read and commented on, I ask that folks go on and say what they feel, because I am a big boy and I can take it. That there may be some criticism is a form of empathy as well. I mean, I don't want any of you to mess up with things, so if you need to be told 'that ain't right', I would tell you. And if you do get hurt, I won't say 'told ya'', but bring 'Steel Magnolias', some ice cream and tissue and be there for you. I may ask if you want me to 'bum rush' whoever, but essentially I am going to try to support you as best as I can.

Still, don't feel like you are intruding with whatever you may say, because if I was worried about that, it wouldn't be a public journal now, would it? Besides, I live by what I call ...

7) Imperial thinking. Once I make a decision, it doesn't have to be explained to anyone, no matter what. I am the one that has to take full responsibility for my choices, good or bad. I think of people who leave comments as 'cabinet members', people who have the unenviable task of finding answers, but it is the man in seat that has to make and live with the final decision.

With that being so, I can't imagine how I would say, 'I wouldn't have done that if you hadn't said ...' . I mean, I MADE THE CHOICE. There is no gun to my head, is there?


Space must be filled. That is why I would like to understand the concept of 'dark matter'. Because what I grew up with is that space is nothing if not a vacuum. Which is why you scream, much like Ripley's on the Nostromo, is to no avail.

Relationships are a lot like that. But sisters think that they are the best thing in our community, the overworked, emotionally abused thread that is holding us together ... yup, and that is working out really well, isn't it.

The conversation in the barber shop, is it that brothers are crap or the sisters being crap ... that is a deep fissure between us. I left this sentiment hanging ... that I'd go first.

I'd go first and tell you that I 'there are secrets in my life and here are mine so let them be known* because my intent is to start building things up between us as soon as possible. Sister girl's act like they are victims at the same time they are supposedly the strength and fiber of a relationship.

Wait a minute, you have to choose one or the other. Cry victimization, then do that, and lets work from there. Be strong, and we will have to deal with you from your place of strength. Claim both, and you are schizophrenic.

One of the thoughts that my man Joe has, about his lost love finding another partner better than him, I said 'well, she did find YOU' ... it would remain to think that she has learned and developed enough skill to find someone a step or two higher on the link.

My first wife has sharpened her search parameters, and I won't fool with you, from the cat prior to me, then to me, and subsequent to me, she has 'traded up'. But she is an exception. And that is why my man was feeling what he felt about his ex girl. There are too many sisters who are similar to Tee Jay, who keeps making poor choices based on an outdated model of what is desirable about a partner. Even in acknowledging this, they choose going against their own knowledge.

My image of the cat that women like that are vulnerable to, is the 'Jerome' character on Martin Lawrence set in Detroit (had to plug!!) television show. Too old to wear the clothes he wear, too old to try to dance like he does, too old for just about anything. That is what comes to mind, when someone in my age group talks about wanting someone with 'an edge' to them.

The cats with the edge to them ... man, the numbers don't bear out the feasibility of having a good relationship with them. Yet and still, you hear some of the same thing from sisters ...

...especially hear in the Motor.

NEXT: Come on Opie, let's see if that pond over yonder has any fish!!


Beth said...

I like your idea for a self-help book. It drives me crazy to hear "man-bashing," and I was always a staunch defender of you guys! I'd hear "All men are [whatevers]," and I'd say, "I don't think that's true. I've known plenty of guys who aren't like that, and that's not fair." How do you think women like it when a guy says "All women are [whatevers]"? They HATE it. So why is it okay for women to do that? I don't think it is. Hugs, Beth

Indigo said...

I think your blog (winces yeah I'm trying to get used to not calling it a journal) has been great for you. I think it's helped put your thoughts in order and given you a direction to aim for. I know mine has most certainly helped paved the way for some much needed healing for me. (Hugs)Indigo