Friday, May 8, 2009



Part of why I haven't been able to keep track of the folks coming in and out of the house, is I don't have any connection with them, save my steps. Their friends and associates, I have no idea of who or WHAT they are. In a journal entry about savant (and this 'coincidence' is an example of my 'gift') the journalist Thomas LB excerpted from the article something that I have felt all my life, at least since I became self aware.

The cat, Daniel Tammet speaks of how he sees numbers in the abstract. My heart jumped at that ... often, when getting close to someone, trying to explain to them why different things come together to make 'sense' to me and I can't tell them why that it 'works that way' for me. Long have I told people that I think and feel in the abstract, and while I may be 'out there' on first blush, that I will find my way back 'in'. I have also advised them to let me 'do what I do', so that I can get there.

I have thought of this 'abstract thinking', of being able to 'feel' what is correct as a gift. There is a pattern to my life, and I whenever I have chosen incorrectly, I 'felt' it, even when it seems on the surface to be the correct decision. And like Daniel, I have thought the way that he thinks about how we educate people, about how we learn to socialize with each other.

People see the differences with someone before they see anything else. Strange thing about it, is that we all have so much more in common with each other that it almost builds to irony, that we have these silly prejudices. A mere scratching of the surface reveals how much there is that we have in common.

"If one had eyes to see, we'd find each other floating on light, cool breeze ..."


Sometimes Nebraska and I go thru 'periods' in where we do not talk to each other. That is okay with me, because we aren't going to be 'boyfriend and girlfriend', dontcha know. We are going thru one of those periods now.

When this happens, I make sure that ask myself about whether or not I am making the best choice for me. Rule # 16, courtesy Carl Von Clauswitz, is what I meditate on.

"After we have thought out everything carefully in advance and have sought and found without prejudice the most plausible plan, we must not be ready to abandon it at the slightest provocation. Should this certainty be lacking, we must tell ourselves that nothing is accomplished in (life) without daring: that the nature of (life) does not let us see at all times where we are going; that what is probable will always be probable though at the moment it may not seem so; and finally, that we cannot be readily be ruined by a single error, if we have made reasonable preparations."

The there are 'details' that I am attending to, so that I can follow this 'rule'. The tangible part of it, is a matter of disicipline. Right now, it still seems to be the best idea for my life. And it is that, which is the foundation to the entire concept of moving to Nebraska.

She has made her intentions clear as to the direction of her life. The talk about what kind of relationship we will have when I get there, there is some 'air' in the spaces between how we see things getting along. I am not looking for any 'benefits' other than the support of someone who cares about me. That is what I am offering to her, per our understanding.

In my 'training' with AKA, sometimes I shudder as she cycles thru her moods. When she is going on in her tumult, I think to myself, what would be happening between us, if things were 'happening' between us'?

The physical connection is how the emotional connection is transfered between people. Is that an opinion, or a statement of fact? I know in my life experience, that has almost always been the case, even when it doesn't seem so. I wouldn't care WHAT is said between parties before hand.

What I have been focusing on, is making the 'reasonable preparations' in order for me to have my 'swag on' (I will stop with that ... it is just so hilarious to me, the 'swag' being a part of urban language!) when I get to Nebraska.


When I did actually like hip hop music, the group of artists that called themselves 'The Native Tongue Family' were some of my favourites artists. They included
Queen Latifah, The Jungle Brothers, and one of my favourite bands across all genres, A Tribe Called Quest. But the part of the clique I really found myself in, was the duo know as The Black Sheep.

As I struggled to find myself in Carolina, the lyrics that Dres was kickin' became visual as well as an auditory map for me. The style that there were presenting, was a contrast to the hip hop thuggery that has devolved to the current mess that clutters the airwaves.

"Not to be all that, though all that is my goal." That sounded like me. I would resume boxing, because I believe that 'we all gotta come from somewhere', and I didn't need to be in a metro area to start my journey. People come from EVERYWHERE to reach great heights. I had not a problem doing things 'backwards', going from a large metro area to a smaller one.

In fact, what I found was something that I innately knew, at least for me to be true. That what I should look for, and how to recognize it, took shape and a solid form in Carolina. I really began to find myself there. All the time spent riding in cars to small towns for amateur fights, from London, Ontario to Maumee, Ohio and small towns in Illinois, Iowa and Indiana ... I mean I can go on and on, but this counts for the time BEFORE I would ride to other places on my tour of 'Anytown, USA'.

I liked what what I would see, and when I would go to places the hardest thing about the trip was the leaving. I feel that I am a hardy plant (perhaps a weed???) and will grow and survive anywhere. Sometimes, when it could seem that Nebraska is anxious for me to get there, I don't think too much about it. If she wants me there now, then she has two and only two choices: Come and get me or let me know how I should go about the 'getting of there'.

You see, 'this and that's isn't related.

In one of the mixes that used to be played on WNAA, 90.1 when I was in school, there was a line 'as if this and that is related'. Didn't know what it meant to them, but what I got from it in the context I percevied it, fell in with how I see things.

We tend to think of things in limited context. What you see, without looking at a situation or condition with a wider lens, is warped sense of what is being observed. The very act of OBSERVING changes a 'thing'. Ooh ... pump the brakes, pump the brakes ...

Anywho, when I decided to change how I conducted myself in relationships, I understood what I had done, and had more empathy for women. Really I do, I have a lot of empathy for women!! For instance, when Mookie was conducting what she believed to be activities 'off the books', I did NOT lose my mind. The short of it was, 'turnabout is fair play' of a fashion. Not only that, the 'chip in the cup' did not render the cup useless. There are those who go thru what they do and come out the stronger for it.

The only way I believed I can see and know once and for all if ANYTHING was related, was to find out. Until then, it was a hypothesis. It has been elevated to a truism in my mind. And that is that with all that!

I wonder what she thinks is going to take place when I get there? My thing is not to interfere with the path she is going on. I can only guess at where we will intersect.


It really would be nice, something that is cool on the ultra level, were we to become a couple. But I know that it not likely to happen. She wants what she wants, and I want what I want.

Landing in Nebraska (the place, get your minds out of the the double entendre gutter!!) sustains the momentum I have already built up. Unless she is going to give me 'orders', I am thinking how I can get there in the best condition I can. This is, if not 'my home', MY 'what's happenin' next'. Don't know why, but there are enough things coming together that form that picture in my mind.

So I think that I will be just fine, whether she likes me now that I am cross town or not. I feel squirrely enough to go there all on my lonely, even if she is gone, dontcha know. That would take more thought and prolly open the whole question up for me again.

I am hoping for only the best, the best for me and the best for her. And if we meet at the conjunction of those things, then cool.


Beth said...

As long as you don't move there with a little kernel of hope that something will happen between you two. I would be upset for you if you got hurt. :(

a corgi said...

I like your last 2 sentences, Mark; I think you got it right with no big expectations once you get to the state of Nebraska.

(okay, all caught up; you've been busy this past week writing; good to read it all :)


Indigo said...

Yay! Wicked cool you got the word link down! I've always felt if you know what you want for yourself, everything else will fall in its own place. (Hugs)Indigo

Cathy said...

Can I offer - before hoping for the best, search for the truth and look for the good. If there's something to gain, great. I think you have a sensitivity to people's energy releases, if you get that. Certainly there's something ahead for you, and your response to that offering might hold a key to future deeds. Also it's so encouraging to know a sensitive male who isn't afraid to say he isn't a feminist but can empathize with women's causes, outlooks, fears and joys. Watch for those "coincidences" lol.

DB said...

Good comments all around. I say things are in flux and looking for some stability but remaining in the state of movement and change. That's probbly the reality of life. The best preparation is often just to be ready for change, for the unexpected nad not defining things. One can be comfortable not knowing if one doesn't need to know. DB

Bucko (a.k.a., Ken) said...

Take a hard look, would you really go to Nebraska if Nebraska was not there??? Hope the communication resumes soon.