Wednesday, April 15, 2009



Whoa!! Reading over my last entry and all the errors I made, I am thinking I need a good copy editor! Usually, I write down like a 'sketch' of what is on my mind, then fill it out as I go, so I don't lose track. Nebraska recently returned several lines from emails that were 'chin over feet' thoughts, and didn't make clear what I was trying to say.

My last entry was so totally like that.

Sometimes, I have thoughts that get recycled for whatever reason ... maybe I am still not being clear with myself, or because it may be something important enough to be said again. That is how it is with this 'ex-List' thing.

I am really wondering how far I am supposed to go with this, you see. I give what me and the Mook's had a 'B' ... still, the whole 'backward to go forward' thing had never been one that I could really ever embrace. The only reason I had considered it, was because of the 'leave no stone unturned' part of the whole deal. That, and I still was in love (or so the Germans would have you believe!) with Tee Jay.

So, how far AM I to go with this thing?

Reading and hearing about how other folks have dealt with this kind of thing ... I am like why did I NEVER feel like that about ANYONE? I mean, I say things about Tee Jay, Delta, hell, I still like Pecan Sandie, but as far are FEEL, and I mean really FEEL for the relationship ...

What I feel is more like a guilt, a guilt for NOT being at wit's end, not crying over someone, and not sitting outside of their house at 3 a.m. waiting for 'the new what's happening cat' to get into his car and go home ...

... like has been done trying to get me to come back.

One of the things that I have learned from my second try with Mookie, is that I have never done things like that, because I did all that crap when it counted, when we were still IN the relationship. I have stopped boxing, took classes for a major that I wasn't sold on, moved to a place I really could have SO NOT HAVE moved to ... made the big sacrifice while I was still WITH the person, so when the sand ran out of the hourglass, that was it. The sand had ran out.

That is why 'Dobie Gillis' made more sense to me than 'Georgie Porgie'. I would leave just as spent as whoever the other person was. It was just that I spent mine in the store, not when the shop was closed.

Stopped objectifying women, no more 'conquests' and stopped thinking of them as 'points scored'. None of that '4 and 5 wide sets' and playing the 'vertical game to a horizontal score.' I went ahead and forgave myself for acting against what I really wanted, and began to pursue the kind of relationship I desired.

And it was with Tee Jay that I took that model out for a drive, with.


My sister Jan, has ragged on the Motor for quite awhile. When I would speak with the babies, I told them that she was simply mad because she wasn't as smart or pretty as she thought she was! Our Mom loved the Motor, and voted for Coleman Young, no matter how crappy an old fart he was, and prolly would have voted his remains in office, if they ran for one!

I have never liked it when someone from 'the D' ragged on where they were from, like they were somehow 'immune' from whatever you catch in Detroit. Trust me, when it came down to boosting their 'away rep', they didn't mind claiming Detroit!! I know I have ran into folks who bail that 'I down with Motown' crap, only to discover they are from 'Flat Rock' and 'Mt. Pleasant'. No darlin', though I went to Bow Elementary, and then Taft Jr. High ... there ain't NOTHING Detroit about where you are from!

Anywho, back to me 'n my Ma (now THAT is what we called her!), she only encouraged me to look at maps and spin the globe we had and ask about places that I wanted to go and see when grew up ...

... and from that childhood list, I have the South Pacific and the Yukon Territories left. Checked off the 4077th (Camp Humphrey's in real life), seen Remagen (from 'A Bridge Too Far') and even the Raleigh of Norm Sloan and the NC State Wolfpack (one of Pecan Sandie's schools), where David 'The Skywalker' Thompson played ... for that matter, been to the prep school that Charlie Scott went to!

Anywho, would not mind finding a way to the Great American Southwest again ... just dipped my toe in that water. Same with seeing Matlick's 'Badlands' and Big Sky country. Can say I was there. Perhaps I have seen what I am 'posed to see. Maybe, maybe not. But I am sure that I should be doing all that I can to go to Nebraska, that much is certain.

I have told myself that I have been on the cusp of breaking through to that 'place' in life that I am chasing. My past, is mine, and I know I am cool with it. Time to go forward.

It is ALWAYS time to go forward, which is why though I would not be adverse to 'pitching woo' for Tee Jay, it so goes against my nature. I'd like to, but I don't really want to do it. And indecision is as good as a 'no', in my book. Despite secretly pining for her over the years, now with only a few miles separating us, she seems further away than ever.

To me, to try to win her back and remain here, is taking a bigger chance to going somewhere that I only have a fragile support system in place to receive me. Because the song where I borrowed the header from, the one song that I 'play' when I take to planning to get gone from somewhere, 'Call of the West', has another line, one that truly defines how I feel. Something that has been a part of me since I was a little boy ... 'What he left behind he hadn't valued, half as much as some things he never knew'.

The wisdom in those lyrics ... in me since I was really a little boy, and only made into a thought thanks to Stan Ridgway and friends when I was a teen ... has kept me looking forward to what ever was new, and not behind me to whatever remained.

So when my stomach wants to call her, I tell myself, "Okay, you can call next week, if you can plan a date with her". And since most of what I would like to do, or go see would make her cock her eyebrow (though as far as when we were together, she did make an effort to give it a college try, as far as enjoying herself went), I ask myself, "Really, dude? You want to take away from other things to have someone do that? That is SOOO high school!"

And I don't call her. Might have a break down, a perfect storm of calling and acceptance, but I think that after June, it will be too late. I KNOW I have no desire to be a part of any ghetto cookouts and any events at Belle Isle or stuck in traffic Downtown. Don't want to deal with the 'whatever' when I explain how big it is to see Willie Nelson at the Hoedown this year.

Not only is it that she doesn't want to 'do this', I am so like, 'f*ck that'!

The warm weather is going to make time fly by ... if for no other reason I will be able to ride my bike out until YOU get tired! Gotta get set for my 'away trips' as well.

Still doing my training stuff as well. The only tips I have for right now, is keep at it, 30-40 mins of walking or jogging each day, and do some calisthenics if you don't have weights. Get an stability ball, some resistance bands, and one of those light dumbbell sets, and go to work on the only body you know you will have!

See y'all later (unless I see you first!!)


Malagutigrrl said...

You are a big inspiration as a body builder... I want nice arms for my wedding...

Myra said...

You have your sights on the future, whatever gets in the way between now and then, deal with it, and keep on moving! Kudos to you for staying on track with the fitness.

Beth said...

I think you're right--indecision is essentially a no.


Bucko (a.k.a., Ken) said...

The rearview mirror can only result in problems. As they say on the side mirrors, objects may be closer than they appear.

I say, keep looking out the windshield, and do not let the distractions at the side or rear deter you from your path.

Her Side said...

It is important to listen to the code words surrounding indecision to determine the underlying motivation.

After a highly-sophisticated and finely-calibrated measurement of your indecision (LOL), I must agree with Beth that yours sounds like a "No."

BUT, that shouldn't stop you from making the leap whenever your heart leads you in a totally different direction.