Tuesday, April 14, 2009



As everyone can say how bad an idea it is to try to date someone from their past, I will keep repeating that I know, I know. Mookie was the first time, and I STILL think it is a good idea, is some respects. It is no longer a 'good idea' from in an actionable sense, because the whole thing runs against my nature, runs against life.

Similar to 'Sex Toy Dave', but without all the finacial glory, I sort of 'transformed' when I came home from the service. From a 'dud' to a 'stud' (I guess ... not that I think that I am hot but ...), I found that ... no, not like 'Dave', but more like a braver Roger Wolowitz from 'Big Bang Theory'. I wasn't scared to talk to someone, no matter how pretty that I thought they were. And I 'knew' what I liked (which is for another discussion) and felt comfortable stepping to whoever it is I wanted.

When my relationship with Pecan Sandie was over, I took at least a full calendar year off. Something was wrong, because though it wasn't perfect, it was certainly doable, the idea that we stay together forever and ever.

So it occured to me that I wasn't willing to push myself as far as it took to make a relationship work. After all, if we didn't make it the distance, what was it that I was doing that caused things to fail?

Meeting Tee Jay was something that was 'kismet'. We both had enough experience to know what we were trying to achieve, and both wanted something different from what we were previously involved in. For me, I decided to go a little more 'urban', and for her, I guess it was my 'eclectic' way (her word, not mine) of approaching her that she wanted to take for a ride. And for around 4 years, it was working. We had some issues with 'stuff', cause Pecan Sandie wasn't quite ready to let go as she had seemed when we were face to face. The time and distance had made her reconsider things, I guess. And Tee Jay had a 'fan club' of her own that had to be dealt with.

And now, the closest I have ever come to putting the blame of my failing on someone else ... when my Mom moved on, I came a little unhinged. Different reasons, too many to actually go into here, but I did not deal with them as well as I could have. Think that would be obvious, as it came at a cost -- my relationship with Tee Jay.


Right, right. So I did what I had to, in order to keep living. Don't act new, it has happened to most of us, that one relationship with that super special person that makes us feel that our lives are coming apart with them no longer a part of it. For me, my 'inner Roger' always had me sort of ready for such an occurrence ... as did what was now a reality for me, that I WASN'T a 'nerd' or anything remotely close to being one. Again like Glen Rice, not 'Hall of Fame' numbers, but you can't say that he couldn't 'shoot and score'.

This is something I had come to terms with before I went out with Tee Jay. So when I put my cards on the table, I could say things like, "Hey, I have no desire to try to have any 'side projects', because if I haven't had enough of that compared to others, I have had enough to suit me." I didn't have any desire to keep on trying to 'score'. I lost all my passion for the mindlessness of that pursuit. Not only that, one of the reason I got married early, is because I wanted to be married for a million years ... so it was as if I was the 'accidental scorer', because I was trying to be madly in love with EVERYONE.

So what happened to us? Unfortunately, if you have prepared for for possibilities, a fifth one will develop and completely screw up everything. And with her, I took full repsonsiblity. I f*cked up. Yup, it was that wrong of a choice. And that IS that with that.


I don't think that I am the first person to realize that trying to talk to someone you have broken up with, is not the best idea. I mean, it happens every so often to give life to 'the exception is the rule' crowd, but the thing about it ... is the saying is 'the exception PROVES the rule'. The reason that something is so rare, is because it almost always never happens. Someone catches lightning in a bottle, doesn't mean you need to go out with a glass jug in a thunderstorm and expect something good to happen for you.

What is more likely is that you get drenched, come down with pneumonia and are set back even further. I didn't ever need someone to tell me that, which is why I didn't mind breaking up. 'Break up to make up'? Man, have you lost your freaking mind?!?

Either I was so full of crap, or they were so full of crap, that I didn't mind walking away when 'hostilities ceased' between us. From my 'youthful indiscretions' (if Sen. Henry Hyde can claim that one at 40, then certainly that could be used to describe the 'run 'n shoot' era of my mid 20's!), up to Sandie, when it was done, done is what it was.

But I was hung up over Tee Jay. Still, I wasn't going to just run after anyone for the sake of running after them. In getting over myself, I think I also have a better appreciation of who I am. So it goes with Tee Jay, who in my estimation has allowed her expectations to ... geez, how can I say it without being harsh ... regress?

Like Dave from 'Matchmaker', she wants the female equivalent, the 'Thug Life' -TuPac and 50-cent cat to walk in and be that guy for her. Right. At 20, that was young girl silliness. At 40 ... she need to have that moment that Dave had on the show. Who knows, maybe she will have it yet. Perhaps I am the cat to help her realize that she what she wants, isn't what she thinks.

And that is one of the questions I am considering. Am I a part of HER destiny, which would make her a part of MINE. That is tough for me to swallow, because I don't let people take my good will, and do with it whatever they want. Me having affection for you doesn't mean my logic center gets turned off.

So I don't press her. I can't afford finacially to date and pitch woo, and if she still rejects me, I am left out in the cold. I can either be with someone I am trying to build with, or I can do what it is I am doing, what my nature says to me to do, and get ready to move out and find my place, since this isn't it.

In the May '08 issue of 'Ebony', an article on Vanessa Williams spoke of how she dealt with break up and divorce. She is one for listening to all the sad songs that make you mourn for the love, to feel the pain, embrace it even. Her thought is that you will come out on the other side better for it.

Eh, I guess if I was pretty, smart, and with a full career and wonderful children, I would feel the same. Not to mention a pretty nice bank account. Eh, 3 of 5 isn't so terrible, but still under the 80% it needs to be for it to be a 'go'. So, how has it been that I have been able to avoid the pitfalls of finding out what a crap thought it is to date an ex, before I actually decided to try to date an ex? What did I subsitute for the bank account that got me to score that 80%?

COMING SOON : The Wall of Vodoo!!

1 comment:

Beth said...

I've never lingered on the sadness after a breakup. I get pissed. Then I move on. It always worked for me!

Hugs, Beth