Kung Fu Mega Frustrations

THE GREAT RED DRAGON AND THE LADY CLOTHED WITH THE SUN

Anyone remember the TV movie? I think it had William Petersen in it. I liked it a lot. The remake of that movie, starring Ralph Fiennes and Edward Norton was no joke, either. The scene when Fiennes drops his house coat to show the imprisoned reporter his 'tattoo' of the image to the left, was intense to me.

The whole scene was reminscent of what I think Conrad drew on, with 'In The Heart Of Darkness'. That scene encapsulated Fiennes descent into madness. I also thought it was very deep how the homicidal monster had brief moments of sanity, a sanity that was even more unstable that his madness!

I sorta a feel like that right now. Only I am clinging and fighting to hold on to myself. Opening up ancient feelings, and no way to take away the pain (there isn't a 'hurt' ... hurt goes away in my world; pain lingers), looking forward to the see an endless gray horizon, unbroken in its dreariness. But I have to continue with my plan and this process.

One of the reasons that I put my story out here, is to 'claim my life'. I think you have to state what you want to the world, sorta 'chaos theory' kind of thing, where your action sets the machinery in motion. When the first few people started to read, I began to expect things to work, becoming what it is I know is there but cannot yet see with my eyes.

Reading journals, and seeing 'pieces' of life that have the either the color, or the a familiar shape of something in mind, is confirmation of something that I always 'felt' but I can now say that I know -- there is only one life, and everything in mine, is somewhere in yours. Whether it is direct, or by degrees of seperation, it is there.

In fact, it happened today. I connected with someone in Carolina, who has some roots in Buffalo ... like Nixxie. Same stuff just goes round and round in life. The ceaseless spinnings of man.

ABOUT NEBRASKA

The person. Did I mention that our 'relationship' is mostly one way traffic? Did you also not know, that it has ALWAYS been that way?

But I liked her alot ... I mean A LOT. I have never been daunted by someone initially not being in to me, because that is something that I have grown used to. Sometimes, being an 'acquired taste', isn't all that cool. Right now, I feel uncool, asking if I am purposely doing this to myself. Unrequited feelings are cool in the pulp, romance novels and the crap pop and r&b songs ... not so cool in real life.

YET ... despite this, I have adopted as part of my approach, because at one time in my life, I felt it necessary. I have always thought that I would have to 'grow' on someone, and set things up by being forward with how I feel, and then acting in a direct manner, according to those feelilngs. The risks seemed justified, because I ended up 'getting' more that just more often.

But now ... I am not so sure if I want to do that. Going out west, my feelings are that I can deal with her not being interested in furthering a relationship. But something else is squirrely about this, and some of it IS her, but a lot of it is me.

I don't like feeling like this, wondering about what's what and all. Coping with my anxieties without medication is a secret conceit of mine. I am glad for it, because the side effects worry the hell out of me. But it means I have to let go of some things. When you are doing something like that, stuff will rush to fill in the void.

But what? What is going to pool in the cavities left by the things removed?

A few times I have mentioned that going out west, Nebraska would have to initiate things. But in a 'sports as life' metaphor, when I boxed as a counter puncher, it was done because I was looking at the openings revealed by your attitude, and I would counter with better than your attack.

Doing this, I had confirmation of the speculation of your talents, your stregnths. And your weaknesses.

I don't judge, I just move the hell on. That is why I can't blast Mookie, my ex wife, but I can rend myself to pieces in self-flaggellation (you have to LOVE a thesaurus! I used to read them as a child, coming up with moments to drop some knowledge!). Revenge IS living well without you, FOR FREAKIN' REAL.

THAT SAID ...

... I feel a lot better. I want to believe in the magic of life, as I acknowlege that it takes a bunch of work to make magic. People think that stuff happens, abracadabra. It doesn't. That is what sports teach. That is what the military teaches. That is what VICTORY teaches, that it is hard work. When you are committed to working hard, THAT is when mircales happen.

No, it isn't easy but then it isn't hard either. Nike's 'Just Do It' ethos really says it all, does it not. You want it? Just do it!(uh oh ... TANGENT ALERT!)