Wednesday, October 15, 2008

Wrote all that and said ...

... nothing, absolutely nothing. Did I overreach? Think too much? Could be the length of my trip. I have come so very far, and have further yet to go. Further Seems Forever is more than the name of a cool band, it is a real pyschological feeling.

So I am not going to 'think' this, but put what I am feeling.

When I couldn't make things work with Pecan Sandie, I came to a point in my life where I was really tired of how I was bumbling thru my life. Tired of feeling that being 'not black enough', or being 'not macho enough' was holding me back, because IT WASN'T. Prolly never did, at least not after high school.

Got tired of feeling like I was not worthy of finding the love that I wanted, tired of feeling that how I priortize things is wrong, tired of HEARING what I know and have had inside of me, devalued by society. By ignorance. Just by those who don't understand that you can't do the same thing that everyone else does, and that because everyone else does it, if it isn't what is in, it is out.

Tired. Tired of being tired. Tired of making excuses and finding ways to NOT be what I could.

The one thing about that is, I know that for me to reach deeper in myself, I will have to find a partner. That was written a long time ago, and THAT just is. I am not confused about myself, and I apologize to those who were. But what am I going to do, when someone allows their opinion not to be formed by their own objectivity and refuses to try to confirm for themselves what they hear?

One of the reasons that I am glad that AKA and I fell out, is that I know, KNOW she has a great deal of deep love for me. I didn't want to be responsible for taking up space in her life, if she still wants to be married. She didn't tell me that she felt that strong in our first life ... but she doesn't have to tell me now. I know better than that.

Thinking about the big fancy words in blue from my earlier entry, the reason that it is a 'rule' stuck to me kept gnawing at me. Couldn't concentrate all day. Was that what I wanted to say, regarding that 'rule'?

Being 'sure' about the general measures ... am I being true to those ideals that I have held close to me? Or am I letting doubt and insecurity get to me?

Nebraska LIKES me. Tee Jay LOVES me. That is what THEY'VE SAID to me.

The things that Tee Jay says she is looking for, isn't something that is new to me. She all but said that she is looking for ME. She wants to be wooed, she wants to be won over, she wants to be treated like she is precious. Like I did, once before, for a good run. She knows what I KNOW about me, and that is huge. She has stood up for me as I have for her.

There are also the intangible coincidences in our lives. Where we lived, where we went to school, where we worked, until finally, WE MET.

One of the things that made me leave Mookie, is that she stopped wanting me. It doesn't matter why, she just stopped. Nebraska, while she has acknowledged an 'affinity' for me, she has made it crystal clear that she doesn't see 'us'.

I want someone who does. I want someone who can see 'we'.

No, I do NOT want to life in Detroit ... but dontcha know, Tee Jay was willing to move with me to CAROLINA when a prospective opportunity came up. So why can't I stay here ... because it starts here, who KNOWS where it would end?

See, I could go out west, after my Army Sister has shipped off to Korea, and try to walk that high wire again, being in a foreign climate. Or I could do what I am going to do, which is to date Tee Jay, reaffirm my feelings for her, and see what happens.

Nebraska has her 'friend'. What happens with that, is between them. Trust in your 'lieutenants'.

That says it all, doesn't it?

Perhaps it will end up that I am sitting happily in Memorial Stadium, in my red NEBRASKA hoodie on. Or maybe I have found someone to take a dinner cruise on past Wyandotte ...

I am going to find out, that is for sure.


Bucko (a.k.a., Ken) said...

Well my friend, you seem to be a little, or maybe a lot, conflicted. Your brain, and a part of your heart, says to go for Nebraska. Your heart, and maybe part of your brain, says to go for Tee-Jay. Or, is it just the opposite??? Only you can decide. Stay the course, have your date next week, and maintain your correspondence with Nebraska.

Beth said...

Looks like my hubby said exactly what I was going to say. There is definitely conflict afoot, so just keep all options open.

Love, Beth

a corgi said...

I like what Ken said in his comment with "stay the course, have your date next week, and maintain your correspondence with Nebraska"; that was very wise wisdom


Tawnya said...

Wow! All thos emotions and thoughts running so close to the surface... All I can say in my infinte wisdom is to try with Tee Jay and see what happens, if it doesn;t work, you can still move to Nebraska later.

miss alaineus said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
miss alaineus said...

i can't stand the 'what-if's' myself, which is why i called the D and we were hanging advice is dont be like me in the way that my hope in getting the 'what if' to turn in the 'happily ever after' got me in a little trouble (as with rich) that i stopped seeing the truth for what it was. you owe it to yourself to at least explore the paths and forks of whatever may be.

ps this was an awesome entry. i so wish i could write about feelings with such fluidity..

the al

Indigo said...

You can't control the hand your dealt in life nor in love, but you can control how you play the cards you hold in your own palm. In other words, trying to figure out tomorrow before today has ended and given you it's answer is oft times foolhardy. Just my humble opinion. You can feel free to email me hon if I'm not making any sense. (Hugs)Indigo