Wednesday, October 15, 2008

FIFTEEN

THERE IS JUST SOMETHING ABOUT THE BAND'S NAME

'TV On The Radio'. And flipping things around 'bout the music I listen to is going to be a big, big, part of my other entries in 'Friend'. The clip from 'The Letterman Show' where they did 'Staring At The Sun' puts me in a trance.

OH, I DO PLAN ON KEEPING ON WITH THIS, FOR A GOOD WHILE YET

Another thing that I used to do, is respond to comments left in a entry. I mean, I think that letting y'all know what has helped or how YOUR journeys influences mine, is what I think this is all about. I was asked if I would keep on with this once I got to Nebraska, and the answer is 'yes'.

AFTER THE ECSTASY...

...the laundry. The end of this week's NCIS with the flashback to Gibb's father meeting the woman who would be his wife was very interesting. Though the show is pretty much the same one every week, we watch it because of it familiar nature.

The show was full of 'oh, so that is where he got that from' moments. But the scene at the end, where Gibbs parent's meet, where you can see that keeping 'rules' and identifying by the family name was something that came from HIS MOTHER.

Just thought that was deep.

When I remember what was so right about my best relationships, it was the give and take bringing us together, rather than the differences keeping us apart. That said, I am not going to be going back and forth, looking at one and then at the other. Why go in circles and then drop dead? Freedom of Choice, IMO implies a resposibility to actually MAKE A CHOICE.

It is just that it isn't that time yet.

"We must therefore, be confident that the general measures we have adopted will produce the results we expect. Most important in this connection is the trust which we must have in our lieutenants. Consequently, it is important to choose men on whom we can rely and to put aside all other considerations. If we have made appropriate preparation, taking into account all possible misfortunes, so that we should not be lost immediately if they occur, we must boldly advance into the shadows of uncertainty."

It is random how these 'Rules' fell into place. I did not put them in any particular order, it just as I was coming up with this plan to go on this particular journey, going back to my relationship future, that I was 'cleaning up' the life notes I had taken. This made sense to me, and to my life.

My 'nervous' isn't your nervous. Watching Nik Wallendas handle his feat on 'The Today Show' was inspiring to be that cool under that kind of pressure. Something related to that kind of coolness resides in me ...

...or so I tell myself!

My brother and me, did what we did. My Army sister says we have a 'charisma', which is cool, I guess. But 'charisma' is the root of 'charlatan' and I am trying to avoid being that. And it has been hard. I have always felt like an in-betweener, operating in the spaces between cliques trying to fit in. It hasn't been easy finding myself.

Still not sure if I have. Are you ever supposed to be? Anyway, I know who I feel I can trust, and I feel that I can trust myself. There is so much that can happen between spaces, as I know all to well. So I am going to restate that my ultimate goal and desire is to be in a healthy, loving, long term relationship. I want to be happily married. Period.

"We knew the environment." So I am going to table this conversation for a while. Time to exercise patience, and let the work that I have done, work. Called Tee Jay and got a tentative date set up for sometime next week. Keep it simple, just a dash of 'character', taking her to Pizzapolis (thanks alaina!) downtown.

4 comments:

Malagutigrrl said...

Since we are always evolving in one way or the other, I would have to think we never really "find" ourselves that way we would like.
xo
mj

Beth said...

Although the root might be the same, I think there's a big gap between "charisma" and "charlatan." I suspect that "character" might have the same root, but I don't know for sure. I think you can be charismatic--and I suspect that you are--without being a charlatan!

Hugs, Beth

Bucko (a.k.a., Ken) said...

I have never really been a joiner, more like a noer. A few close friends, but not much more than that. That is why Beth and I are so good together.

a corgi said...

I think you have a good ultimate goal, Mark, and I think with your determination and planning and thinking, I believe you will obtain it :)

betty