Friday, October 24, 2008

RANDOM MUTTERINGS

FIRST OFF ...

'MUTTER' was a way cool release by Rammenstein. Wanted to let all who read, know that!

Don't know the name of this song, but this just in ... Beyonce is SUPERNOVA! Still, this is the first time I have paid her any attention. I am sure that is another indicator of something in me that has changed. What does it want, this change? It isn't 'here' yet, but it is coming.

SPLIT WOOD WITH AKA'S DAD

But that is between me and him. She wasn't involved at all. Didn't chop my ankle or break his fingers. So that means things went well. One of his two sons was at the house, which I thought ... anywho, if you think I would let a sisters' friend come help MY DAD with yard work, you must have lost your MIND! Car repair and other technical, handyman stuff, I tend to hang back and provide comic relief. But I hang around.

This cat, BL, stayed in the house the whole time. I NEVER cared for him much, or OB, the Other Brother. OB tried to make a funny on me, watching highlights of the cat who dropped me on telly, back when I was getting to know his sister. He also 'plays the religon card', as he has recovered from his wilder days. I wouldn't mind talking to him 'up close and personal', you know?

Anywho, didn't mind getting out and being useful on a pretty early fall day.

IT'S THE LONLINESS, STUPID

"The abscence of faith, is desperation."

So I work at not being 'alone', which is one of the reasons I didn't let the problems AKA and I have keep me from helping out her Dad. For all my people skills (ask Nebraksa about my 'general geniality') I mainly am by myself most days. When I began this particular leg of my life's journey, I thought about how I would frame this particular episode, how I would track these events that occur as I go from 'here to there'. One of my concerns is trying to avoid mission creep as I move along.

Some expansion of my goals is to be expected, as success breeds confidence. Yet I want to avoid putting myself in a situation that in the long term may hinder or even cause me to miss my mark entirely. And I don't want to mistake 'success' for being on the right path, because there are times where I have thought that I was going the proper direction, only to find myself further away than I was before I started moving out.

For someone who has captured my fancy as Nebraska has, we actually don't speak or even write much. This is something that happened when we first began to connect, which is why I had to 'waiver' her into this part of my life. Even then, she operated off on her own, which I am used to. Most sister girls find themselves taken aback by my approach. They find their excuses, trying to hint at my masculinity, or intimidated because I can add AND subtract. Then, because I am not a 'kool-aid drinker', not abscribing to the group-think that accepts the contrasts between doing what you think, and following along with the crowd.

When we reconnected late last year, there was a rush of emotion, and honestly, SHE was as dreamy about 'us' as anyone this side of the Ozarks. But something happened on her end, she came down to earth, even as she agreed to meet me. Don't know what it was, exactly. But sometimes I look over some of our IM's and emails, trying to see if I can find a clue to what it may be. That it is several degrees beyond the level of thinking I deem necessary, says a lot to me. This isn't supposed to be easy, but it also shouldn't be this hard.

When it comes to meeting folks across the Internet, she was the second person. The other time I hooked up with folks from an on-line community, was back in the late '90's, when some folks in the Britpop chat went to Vegas for a Morrissey show at the House of Blues. Only two 'meets', but the inclination was always there in me. I trust and believe in what I trust and believe in. So when it came to getting that meet together, and what I feel towards Nebraska, I am content with those feelings, certain that true feelings of love can exist out here on the internet. I could go next door and meet a crap person... the eyes play tricks on you, who is to say that the woman that I see at Mickey D's is any more 'right' than anyone else I could meet online?

OF DARKHORSES ...

Which is what 'mission creep' is about. The unseen and the unknown things that are happening as you are happening in your life and moving on your own way. Thought awhile back I would purposely speak on them, but it never came out. Maybe they will soon, I don't know. Tomorrow I am going to go downtown, to 'Good Girls Go To Paris', get a crepe, then over to Astoria for a cookie or two, as I ride up Woodward, just to ride up it. If it rains, let it rain. If it snow, let it snow.

Back in my angsty mid 20's, still reeling (but not acknowledging) the ache of my marriage, I would think about what I thought about my love life, and why I found myself attracted to people who could find it easy to make me feel completely ignored. Of course, this meant that people who adored me, I IGNORED. Curse the wisdom of J. Geils!

At any rate, I am going to go out, read 'Nighmares & Dreamscapes' and finish off 'Don Quixote', as I try to get a handle on my focus. Y'all be well!

4 comments:

betty said...

and you too be well, Mark; for some reason, I couldn't comment on your entry from Thursday; I couldn't find the little comment buttom thingy; I wanted to say what an interesting sort of authors and books you've read; going to check out that one author you listed; sounds interesting

hope the weather stays a bit nice for you up there so you can get out and about easier without fighting the elements

betty

Beth said...

J Geils as in "You love her...but she loves him...and he loves somebody else, you just can't win." That's what sprang to mind!

I loved the comment that you'd like to talk to OB "up close and personal." Yep. I get your drift! ;)

Enjoy your weekend, Mark, and keep doing what you're doing!

Love, Beth

Toon said...

Ever feel yourself geting too introspective when you're by yourself? I do. I think all bad poetry is a result of too much solitude. heh

You're fine, Mark. You are top of things.

Love,
Russ

Sage Ravenwood said...

I may have Paul in my life, but I spend more time alone than most couples. He works during the day as a teachers aid for troubled kids or handicapped (whichever one they place him with that year), in the evenings he teaches guitar, and of course on the weekends he's gone playing gigs with his band. (People always comment how strange for me to be with a musician, when I'm deaf...it actually works this house can get loud with the acoustics from practicing)...

Don't get me wrong I appreciate he works like he does and strives to take care of me....

What I'm trying to say is it's a good thing to get used to those solitary moments, the alone time and still feel comfortable in your own skin. I think we're stronger because of it. Makes us appreciate the time we do have together.

So this time your taking to find yourself, before you get back into a relationship...is all good. It helps keep you stronger inside, gives you faith in yourself. As for the song that would fit the scenerio you described. The duet with Kid rock, singing with Sheryle Crowe "Picture" comes to mind. (Hugs)Indigo