TAKING BACK TIME

 Being off on a Saturday has really thrown me off.  For nearly ten years I have gone to work every Saturday and though I am out for a legitimate health reason (gout flare), it feels weird to be sitting in front of the television and trying to find something watchable among the Netflix offerings (today, it is a show “Tall Girl”...honestly, it is not very watchable).  So it feels strange to have been sitting around in my cluttered apartment with nothing to either do or think about, especially when I have been trying to get my mind focused and become driven!

I have decided to focus on becoming an actuary!  It has been a relief to finally know why I am going to school… especially since I have in many ways come full circle!  My declared major at A&T was finance… and for 30 years I have been running away from what has likely been my destiny all along.  This decision was spurred during a conversation with KT last year and listening to her talk about maths made me realize that I was sorta-okay with my maths.  It is never that I have had a great passion about the subject but I have no real burning about anything.  Talking with my daughter has fired the yearning for mathematics and it is a legitimate feeling.  So I cannot wait to go back to school with a purpose.

My relationship has been going well.  If you were to Google Maps a picture of the apartment complexes that we live in, you would see how close we are to one another.  So we spend enough time with one another, rarely getting close to being tired of our time together.  There are only the lingering memories of having the one rule I try to stick and adhere to in relationships crossed.  Right now, I am spending some of my own “goodwill charm” that I have acquired throughout my life and decided to use it on this relationship.  Eh, it is about time!  I have benefited from the forgiveness of others plenty of times when it comes to relationships.  I have to mature, grow up, and be an adult!

Growing is another reason I have not had much to write about.  I think that mentally I am trying to be something and not looking back over my life and more concerned with where I am going.  Allowing for reflection on moments that I was BEING and truly in the moment as well as the person that I am, it seems that I have spent more time in the moments that I am experiencing and really, have been for the last 10 years, would explain why I have not been kvetching about my being.  My state of being has been in a very good, positive range.  And a large part of that has been due to all the blogging that I had done in the years prior to my arrival in Omaha.  Besides, I also enjoyed reading what others had to say!  I still miss the closeness of the blogging community and I have kept peeking in and trying to maintain my presence, just in case someone would come back out looking for a friend to give them some advice.  

I want to be that friend.  I would like to think that part of my character is being “that guy”.  Not the reckless and immature cat (who I used to refer to as, “Mark, the much-hated!” with a smile) that fecklessly loved and hurt people by being an “emotional terrorist”.  Because those are things I have not been literally for over 20 years, if not longer, and those are character traits that have not been a part of my true character, ever!