STILL IN SEARCH OF AN ENTRANCE

 "People are capable at any time in their lives, of doing what they dream of." - Paulo Coelho

I have not been able to blog as regularly as I like because I have been … well, lazy.  Not that I would have actually called the reason “lazy” as the reason for my stretches of deep absences, but, the truth of the matter is that I did not muster the energy to write down what I was feeling.  Having a blog, a commitment to myself, is one of the hallmarks of my journaling.  Journaling forces me to slow down and analyze and digest my daily comings and goings, and clears some of the constant fog that comes with living each day.  There are times where there is a line between what I call “being conscious” and what neurotypicals mean whenever they refer to “conscious”.  And I mean by ANY state or feeling, any interpretation of what that word means.

Meditation helps me greatly.  It slows everything down for me and it allows me to ‘go through the details’ of my day and pick through the things that I need to go on.  Which leads me to something that I DO NOT think I need anymore, my once and current girlfriend.  She had a problem with her vehicle, an expensive brake issue that I had taken care of a few years ago.  But due to her negligence, the SAME THING now threatened her vehicle.  While I did not want my journal to be full of “drama”, stories of careening from one avoidable circumstance to another, I am unable to write anything without first talking about the elephant in my thoughts.

She has been in a state that was approaching failure in her affairs from the very beginning.  Yet, I was, as I have said before, taken by the way she made a first impression upon me and that was that with that.  As I got to know her, I began to see why she had remained single, as she is a mediocre homekeeper, with a tendency to knick-knack clutter and pet slovenliness.  Based on my initial assessment, I threw myself into trying to help her in all ways of the home, to no avail.  No matter how much laundry, cleaning, dinner-making, and shopping that I did, nothing improved.  She did not need someone to absorb some of the slack, she was more than ready to transfer it all off to me!  This became a point of contention thanks in part to a conversation we had after the brake repair.

With my daughter’s KT visit bearing down on me, I was at a loss for what this meant for her visit.  Getting the work done on the vehicle for my partner at this critical time in my life forced me to juggle my priorities.  While admittedly, she, herself, did not come out and ask for me to help her out, c’mon… what choice did I really have, if we were indeed to potentially share our lives together?  So what went wrong??

This is where I get a little off topic and talk more about why I have not been regular with journaling.  Omaha has been a really good place for me (relationships be damned..!) and I am very comfortable with being able to take care of myself.  But the past 5 or so years I have been languishing (LOL@Beth) as the world around me has found a steady “thrumm” to each day, almost hypnotizing me as entropy streams me towards the rather unspectacular end of my tour on this mortal coil.  While we were a couple, the constant dissonance between the life we were leading together and the life that I felt was worth changing my goals were becoming an uncrossable chasm… unless I left when I did.  

I do not know if I altered her course in life.  Were I to make a case for “no”, it would be because I think that she was headed for this path without me.  Part of my “why” for pursuing her was due to my empathy as I got to know her and her story.  Besides, if I have to “own” my choices bringing me to this experience of ennui (ooh! Another scrabble word!!) that I am now enduring, then I feel that whatever is left between us, is being left adrift, and fairly so.  After her unfair comparison to her daughter’s new boyfriend, f*ck her.  To quote my man Dres of Black Sheep, “keep your problems to yourself kid, ‘cause I gots my own”.

We are sitting here a week from hosting my darling daughter! But in even BIGGER news, my youngest daughter has tentatively reached out to me about a relationship!!  That has really gotten me stoked and once I manage to get through this patch of uncertainty that I am currently going through.  See, when I started to blog again, I wanted to avoid the dramatic distractions that were becoming more and more a part of my life, thanks to someone who did not listen, and had their own agenda that was completely opposite of what I had expected of myself.  For instance…

Whether or not KT brings her math books, I am STILL going to go to school and do maths!  Even if I fail to get a Pell Grant!!  Somehow I am going to figure that out and add to my growing character story!!!  Which brings me to one more reason I wanted to forego the typical whining of a journal… as my disease progresses, I feel more aware of how much time I have in so many ways that I do not want to waste it on dead ends or chasing ghosts from the attic of my mind.

One of the things about the continued existence of this journal is that it will continue to be an accurate barometer of where I am at in reality.  Maybe I will get a neurological test and be diagnosed with PD (cause I am feeling it in my bones) to go along with the suite of conditions that come with a traumatic brain injury.  Again, trying to avoid the self-pity and woebegone hopelessness of being lost.  After all, my life is not that dramatic and I cannot willfully drum up any drama either.   One of the things that I hope to establish by blogging is building a clearinghouse for my ideas, hopes and dreams.  As far as my last relationship experience is concerned...