CONCENTRATE ALL OF YOUR FORCES

IN THE ETERNAL BATTLE BETWEEN “ME AND YOU”

I feel the need to I qualify my feelings with admission about myself as well as adding a pre-emptive critique of my own character.  At NO POINT in my journaling have I ever made myself out to be “a victim”.  Even now, I am not a victim of anything.  But, similar to the relationship I was in when I began journaling, my current relationship has run its course.  No matter how I paint myself, I don’t think I will be engendering any sympathy, particularly from those on the other side of the happenings between Kitty and myself.  And for that, well, this video sums up my thinking and feelings, and these feelings have existed within me far longer than my discovery of the film this was taken from.

Rather than soliloquize mournfully about the end of things, I think that I have gleaned a possible insight to the why as far as some of the “new” dating trends, and one in particular, “ghosting”, and why I think that it is a “thing”.   I think that what has been an acceptable behavior in previous generations, despite the behaviour being a character fail, previously, is now being called out.  In fact, much of what had been unnamed and normal behavior, particularly from men, is now being called out as women gain more and more agency in society.  I think of all the crap that TV characters like Dobie Gillis, Vinnie Barbarino, and The Fonz, put women through and were IDOLIZED  for their sexist behavior (Travolta’s being super ironic..!) and objectification of women, falls away from cultural norms.  That kind of invalidation, backed by a significant lack of empowerment , is no longer something that women have to put up with.  Still, validation of that behavior remains, often with great risk to women STILL, leading to crap “false movements” like the one where men who call themselves “Incels”.  In my mind, the practice ghosting and all the other “new” trends are not without precedent.  It is true that as women grow more assertive, they are more comfortable at calling this kind of crap out.  IMHO, the new dating terms are a signal that women DON’T have to be at their phone on a Friday night, or that weekend, for what it is worth.  So, “getting stood up” and “being given the silent treatment” is being renamed and drawn out for what they actually are, and women are using terms that they identify with to reference them because it is EMPOWERING. When I realized that, that this generation of women were taking the damaging power from sexism in relationship by identifying and recognizing traits that was once previous nameless and acceptable, I simply shrugged and drove on, doing what I do.  Emotional depth is a trait that most women tend to have in spades, I would like to say that I possess more than average “male emotional depth”, and it is a necessary tool for women in relationships.  One reason, which is glaringly apparent to me as I started to write this thing up, is that I was unable to access my personal “philosophy library” in my head.  Yes, I know that it could be “this or that”, but I would presently argue that it lies outside of my ability to recall not because of “this or that” but as a direct result of my relationship.  My thinking goes like this:

    When I first received my diagnosis back in 2004, I began to reframe my approach to life.  I spent about a full week of pitying myself and then I never looked at my disability as something that was leaving me disabled.  Even though I was in the middle of a relationship that was peeling apart, I had to figure out what I was going to do… start dying or get on with living. So...

I did not want to leave Michigan and Mookie Dee for mere “sh*ts and giggles”.  There was a LOT of introspection and self-flaggation that came with my plans, which ultimately revolved around taking and maintaining ownership of my life for as long as possible.  Not until the doctors came and pried my independence and self-sufficiency from my “cold, dead hands” (or until I forgot to hold on to it!)    The exchange is an one-sided one, similar to where I find myself now, where Kitty has nearly everything that makes her life full, including support from family and friends, whereas I have “none of that”.  Like many a female in a film noir depiction of a loving relationship, you feel trapped.  Bad situation faced with uneasy decisions, to say nothing of worse immediate outcomes. Yeesh.

I have been trying to break up with Kitty since our first full year.  Shortly after we came back from Indiana, I found myself spent, emotionally and financially.  When I made the choice to move to Omaha, it was knowing that I believed in my almost innate ability to manage my finances.  So, for me to meet up and be with someone who has no idea of what money is and no concept of budgeting, is really, a bad match for me.  I have already married that person and I WILL NOT marry that person again.

I also claim full and complete ownership of whatever success comes from running my Rock Steady franchises.  Other than “cheering me on” ( which, for someone who claims intimate involvement, means little) she has been of no factor at all.  Which brings me to this point.  If you can’t offer more than the support of a cheerleader, then I don’t want you around.  I did not want that from my Dad and siblings and stepsiblings, and I DEEPLY LOVE THEM.  So why would I want someone who can only be an added expense to me and my meager income?  I wouldn’t, which is why I have been trying to break up with her for the past three years.  That I have been only “trying”, is as much my fault as it is hers.

Before I metaphorically “bury” this relationship, there are several valid reasons for me to have stayed with her despite my repeated attempts to break things off.  The PRIMARY REASON I have remained with her is her undoubtable love for me.  She loves me the way that people wished for me to find love in Omaha, would approve.  Even with “the straw having broken the back”, she still loves me tremendously.  And this is where we get into “ghosting” and it being a perfectly valid way  to end a relationship. 

The other reason is the flip of hers being a “true love”.  Do I forever forfeit the hope for a life partner? After all, she really loves me truly.  So I wonder about is have I, after I have bullsh*tted several opportunities, some of them being NO BRAINERS,  will I ever find what I had with Tee Jay, with My Delta Girl, hell, with Mookie Dee when we were young or with Sandi Ann?  Obviously, with the kind of history that is behind me, I would even question whether or not I was deserving of having someone like my ex-wife foisted upon me again.  Which brings me to the case of “the Existential Dread and Ghosting of Kitty”.

THE EXISTENTIAL DREAD AND THE GHOSTING OF KITTY

I mentioned earlier that prior to this incident, I could not bring myself to “break up” with her.  Many of the reasons are similar to what many female ghosters would give as to why they eventually went the ghost route.  As to whether or not it is  fine for women to ghost, I would remind readers that I don’t think that ghosting is new, but that ghosting is a reaction to women taking their power and influence from the patriarchy.   This assertion of  of one’s rights and purpose is a thing I would like to call “The Virtue of the Self”.  Instead of trying to place blame, take inventory and find out where you are, WHO you are, and if that person bears any resemblance to the person that you envisioned that you would be prior to the relationship in question.  To answer that question, I remember where I was when we first met.  I was in school, managing my life very well, and I was happy.  All of that is gone, as her flaws and faults alone are worth my leaving here for.  But Valentine’s week, we had an irrevocably and egregious action that I feel no inclination to overlook.  La Vista is just what it is… between Ralston and Papillion (featuring the school where the movie “Election” was shot!) in class as well as economics.   For purposes of this entry, it is the class of Ralston that factors most importantly.  Having lived in the shadows of a “sundown town” in being on the west side of the Motor right next to Dearborn, I have always been leery of Ralston.  It is a creepy town, hidden away from view by hills and shadowy tree cover when I approach from 72nd and Q Streets.  I did not know it was a “sundown” place, but when you are sensitive to that sort of thing, you also know that you do not need to confirm such a concern… unless you live a life of little value.  So for nearly 5 years, I have been here wondering if what I felt had any resonance.  That is when we had THE conversation that doomed our relationship, regardless of how long I have to “get ghost”.  But a few days before Valentine’s, the unease grew to a level that was actionable.  I was already intending to tell her that WE should move ASAP if my concerns were substantiated.

So I asked her a direct and pointed question.  Are there “rednecks” in Ralston?  It was in answering the question that I lost whatever goodwill I had toward her.  In her reply she had mentioned that some of the kids cause a ruckus at school because they had “stars and bars” license plates on their vehicles.  The Principal stood up to them and said that if they kept the plates that they were not allowed to park the cars on school property.   But getting into the rest of the story, I found out that one of the young men who brandished the flag plates was a cat who dated Kitty’s daughter (if ever so briefly!).

Not going there.  That is too much digression.  Instead, I want to talk about the big sigh and eyeroll that I got from Kitty as we disagreed about the significance of the Principal’s action and the significance of the symbol in question.  As I attempted to explain to her the meaning, she gave me an eyeroll and a “here he goes again” sigh.  Now, not only have I told her how objectively crappy I have been BUT that I am always going to be Team RED, BLACK and GREEN.  I am that way unapologetically.  You enter this relationship with that knowledge of how I am, how despite what you may observe, I will not lean toward, but identify as an African-American, as a Black man.  Period, full stop.

That’s it.  Perhaps sometime I will be more detailed, but this is enough.  Of all the memories that I have left in my mind, one is of getting lunch served by the Black Panther Party for Self-Defense in 1971.  While I have on occasion been critical of African-American culture, I have NEVER IN MY LIFE, made any bones about where my allegiance lies in the potential RAHWAR.  It isn’t up for discussion and if you don’t have membership on the team, you just have to deal with it.  Sounds harsh, but I want any potential partner who isn’t on Team Red, Black and Green to understand where I am coming from.  I am not THAT brother who is intends on bailing what being African-American means and represents to me.

Whenever I think of the coming discussion, I find myself filled with dread.  I could imagine how difficult it must be for a woman who is trying to leave a man who just can’t cope with the relationship working out.  Then you have the details of the move and how to make things happen where everyone is treated “fairly”.  As hard as that is/will be for me to achieve, how much more difficult is it for a woman who is living with a cat, whether it is her home or not?  If it is a shared place, why wouldn’t they “ghost” a cat, especially when there is the potential for someone to freaking KILL YOU?  He doesn’t plan to go quietly… so you have less of a chance by not sharing in a heart-to-heart goodbye than if you just disappeared.  After all, I did that with the Mooks, calling my Dad and escaping because… why not?  I could have stuck around and confirmed what I suspected and then what?  As far as, “What if she’d said she loved you still?”, uh, she was BANGIN’ ANOTHER CAT.  Little chance of THAT coming back from the disabled list in time for a playoff run!  Besides, nothing outside of law enforcement is going to stop me should I run amok.  When, can a woman all confidence and realistically, support their actions without deliberately slipping over to lethal weapon/felony area, in abandoning a relationship? So sure, ghost the living f*ck out of a guy!!  The bad thing is, that may inflame the bloke and you may STILL need extraordinary measures to be from them.  ghost the heck of someone!!  Shoot, if women had incorporated ghosting sooner, there would never had been a need of a “The Burning Bed” film and men would have been making themselves a better catch instead of whining that about Chad and Tyrone is who all the Stacy’s want.

The epilogue to this entry as follows:  I have not been able to break up with Kitty despite wanting to because of a lack of will.  That alone sends mixed signals, but part of that lack of will is due to internal questions that are drawn on scenarios that only have currency in those possible worlds where a decision is not only being made.  Until I make decisions that lead to define a course of actions, and those actions lead to a definite result, it is all just the same ol’ meandering.

I have begin to take steps to that end.