IS HE STILL THERE..?

 STILL LURKING ABOUT..!

 TACTICAL

In my career as a personal-life journey blogger, one of the things that sort of
kinda has made me pause is when a blogger doesn’t journal for a few days, maybe even a couple of weeks, and they begin their subsequent journal entry with, “Sorry I haven’t been journaling”, or apologizing for being “gone”. Then they fill that entry with the same dull meanderings that they have been sharing with no one in particular. I have found that a little bit presumptuous, although I do think that connections are made between people online, that someone who you have never met, nor reasonably expect to ever encounter, would “miss” you. Even in cases where you have actually met someone from the internet, I would think that if you were to have a life complication that kept you from whatever medium you usually communicate through, that you would be more direct and share with them whatever endeavors that were keeping you from the social media platform of choice. Then, I took a 2 ½ month hiatus from my blog.

 For those of you who presume to “know” me, that I will likely not discuss what has taken place for the last 10 or so weeks in my life should not be surprising. What drove me to blogging in the first place, needing a private space to express my frustrations and to think my way through what I was going through, well, that predicament no longer exists. So rare that my frustrations of my “ being in the world” (and I’m tired of the soup du jour) that the situations and conditions that aggravate my ability be at or find some peace of mind to think my way through things can scarcely be said to exist. For instance…

This year has been the most stereotypical period that I have experienced living here in “the projects”. But since that feeling ends once the door to my apartment shuts (and is locked..!), I am not necessarily compelled to deal in the tropes of my environment. So whatever experience that I have had in dealing with people socially, just doesn’t move me to where I feel the desire or will to blog about them. Then, there is the interactions of my personal life over the past 5 years. From the imploding hopes that I have had with both Nebraska and Princess, as well as a trio of difficult to classify non-starting relations, along with had two “one-offs” which was neither here nor there (but one of which was sort of confusing), for me to talk about that kind of stuff, especially if it was an extension of the negativity that coloured earlier discussions here, would be a clear sign of overarching fail. And rather than spend any disk space trying to paint a picture of how I see the classic “who’s having what” between men and women here in town, because I just don’t care. Why did Nebraska and I not hit it off? What drove Princess to dumping me so unceremoniously? Because I don’t have to put up with the constant drone of inconsequential (to me) static from thoughts produced with “low fidelity thinking”, and I now have the ability to ACT against the world (which still won’t listen) I don't have that much to PMS about. That, my friends, it what I have been doing. In short, I have been living a life. Nothing dramatic or particularly noteworthy.


BUT WERE I TO MAKE MENTION OF NOTABLE OCCURRENCES AND OBSERVATIONS OF THINGS THAT HAVE TAKEN PLACE SINCE MY LAST ENTRY

The angst that I feel from not being there as a Father to both Skye and Lexi is exacerbated by my relationship with KT. Though I don’t presume that we are necessarily “close”, we are inextricably linked by the relationship that her Mom and I had prior to, and since, her birth. I could only imagine that my being there when she took her first breath has had a profound effect on both of us and our relationship. So it heartened me greatly that she fell upon a young man as she walked through the mall that, in her words, “reminded me of you in your younger years.” And it made me ache for her sisters’ that they cannot have something like that with their father as well.

Nebraska has been checking in on me. Though texting and email is “fine” (which is a word that defines faint praise coming from me), she did express a sentiment that was truly heart-warming. But like the “warm fuzzy” I got from KT, it came with a feeling of loss and emptiness as well. “A bond of trust has been abused… something of value… has been lost…” mourns Morrissey on the single “Hang On To Your Friends”. Though I may well mean something to her, the “sunk cost” invested in maintaining the hopes that I had for us are such that I will likely never recoup the emotional capital that I has been spent. Whatever will happen between us from here on will be left up to the fates.

Meanwhile… I will leave you with this thought should the question “I wonder how Mark is doing?” run through your thoughts….