Thursday, February 5, 2015



Working on my donated computer is a real pleasure.  It is an older, heavier model and I am sure that it lacks some of the bells and  whistles of newer models.  BUT, I am not about what it doesn't have as I am about what it does have.  First, it has plenty of faith... faith that it would fill a need (it has) and faith that I would do the things necessary to maintain the computer (I have).  As far as the things that my laptop can't do... well, I am not sure that I am missing any of those things anyway.  Second, it has deep and fulfilling emotional meaning.  I mean, someone cared enough about me to send me their old computer!  How cool is that?  I am sure that I get a burst of oxycontin (on top of my prescribed dosage) when I think about it, and I hope that the person who sent me their spare computer reads this, that way they can get a hit of natural oxycontin as well!!

My struggles are real... sometimes they are in a warped, Matrix-like reality way, they are, nonetheless real for me.  It seems at times as if I am an observer to my own universe and that the things happening are not occurring to "me" per se, but that I feel these things by proxy, as though I am looking at myself as I make my way through this unnatural phenomenon that resembles a natural occurrence, or that these are the things that are SUPPOSED to be happening with me.

Because I am self-critical and aware of many of my flaws and idiosyncrasies, I am not surprised by many of the artifices of character that I find in myself.  But the lack of self-awareness and hubris of others always leaves me astonished whenever I encounter someone who thinks clearly that the snapshot of the universe that they have is similar, if not the same, as that of others who may share major commonalities and traits.  So along with my depression, ranting and raving about the unconnected to me trifles of life, just seems to be a colossal waste of time.

It has always been hard for me to discern when I began to break away from the group-think that still has a hold on many people.  But I do know I paid for my ticket on this exploration of life that I have been on during the "era of discontent" that made up my adolescence.  Since then, I stopped worrying where I fit in populist social culture and simply began to make my way through life.

...AND THAT IS HOW I LEARNED TO STOP WORRYING AND BEGAN TO LOVE THE BOMB (and began to make value-based judgments!!)

I have held the words of F. Scott Fitzgerald in my mind and heart for decades.  "The test of a first-rate intelligence is the ability to hold two opposed ideas in mind at the same time and still retain the ability to function."  From the deep spiritual questions religious belief to the seemingly innocuous act of which mall to go and be a consumer, the amount of different decisions and the anticipated repercussions that I have made in my life have all been cut across that particular phrase.  It also serves as a measure of my estimation of a person's intellectual capacity, whether or not they can either agree or disagree with me without resorting to hollow arguments based on unsubstantiated inanities.  After growing up part of a community that still shunned intellectual pursuits and clung tightly to its own sense of "guns and religion", this was an integral part of my objective opinion about those who were to be included in my life.

There are things that when said, mean far more than the words that are being said.  "Deathless words and phrases" is one of the functions that help me to cull people in my life.  See, I have always held that the things we feel can be measured and quantified... and because numbers are representative of an ideal, a substantive concept that given a form, can reveal something to be acted upon.  Numbers cuts through indecision and it illuminates the darkness of uncertainty.  And as numbers measure and give form to social construct, taking and applying this thinking to words and phrases, were, to me, the next logical step.

Listening to people talking about how their significant other did something "again", how they have "one more time..." to do whatever before a person did something about their perceived offense, I promised myself that I would not let someone have me repeating statements of emotional surrender such as those.  The difference between speculation and certainty is confirmation, and at the confirmation of unwanted behaviors, the question then, is what are you going to do about it?

I have always known what I was going to "do about it".

The only reason that my ex-wife and later Mookie Dee were able to get away with what they did is that I was bound and compelled by something inside of myself to remain in those relationships.  But then highly unspoken of "walk of shame" that is done when you are the butt of jokes and pranks, when you leave the group of kids picking sides to play games, were always, ALWAYS highly preferable to me than the potential harm and risk of remaining among those who did not want me around.  Say what you will about me now, but I will not expect any thoughtfulness or kindness from those who have demonstrated that they have none of those traits to share with me.


...and why I am the way that I am.

Near the time I began to journal seriously and with intent, one of the maxims I would repeat is that "what I think is what I know, and what I know is what I think."  This evolved from my then-broad base of knowledge and being able to come up with obscure facts or opinions because of my exposure to more than the latest pop song or television show.  I would take those "deathless words', like when my ex-wife told some crap Tommy Hearns story during our all-too brief courtship, and form an "emotional memory", something that I know happened not because of the detailed memory, but because of how those words made me feel.  And if you made me feel poorly from what you said... I would not forget it.

One of the reasons that Princess is in a type of "categorical limbo" in my mind is that she never crossed any of those "lines" with her words or actions in our relationship.  That said, the default state of something that I am uncertain about in my personal life is inaction, the status quo.  By that, I mean, if we haven't talked for years and you suddenly come calling, yeah, I am going to wonder what is going on, but not to the point where I will feel driven to do anything about it.  If I did, then all of my actions in the relationship proper would be devalued, don't you think?

People like my ex-wife, like Mookie Dee, I just don't care about them.  And when I say that, I mean in the same frame of negation that takes place every day in the world that most of us give not a passing thought about. When was the last time you thought about some poor Chechen or Syrian??  I am jus' sayin', because I am the same... but I also apply this to people I know.  The reason "why" is obvious to me, but not so to people who want to get back "in" to whatever.  That they don't is not surprising... just because that you have "flashed" to the shooter doesn't mean that he is going to change his shot.  It is going to take another step... and this is where the rubber meet the road.

If they were willing to take another step, to show by their actions what you meant to them, then why would they not do this when the relationship was still a living, breathing thing,  viable and able to grow?  They are not going to because they have already shown their character and rather than go through the "this and that" of trying to get back with people, I would rather move on and see if I am worth what I believe I am to someone else...


Amy's World said...

Well I think the same, if somebody didn't show how he/she care while being in a relationship , why would that be any better after break up? I don't believe it's serious, this love and care suddenly when it's to late, I don't think it matters, sometimes it's just to late.
Great blog, I will visit sometimes!
On mine I write about my thoughts too, don't hesitate to check. Cheers!

abbiestreehouse said...

I've always had a soft spot in my heart for old technology. I'm glad your laptop found a happy home!