October 3rd marked my four-year anniversary here in Omaha. By any measure, it has been a good fit for me in every area of my life. More than simply being happy, I am at a level of contentment that is the rival of any period of my adulthood. That said, the installation of a new fuel source for my motivation to strive towards my goal will continue.
I thought about discussing why I chose Princess to be the focus of what I will call “my two minute-hate” and not Nebraska (with the detente between Nebraska and myself undergoing a recent thaw notwithstanding). But for purposes owing more to our history and connection to one another, she wouldn’t have been a good “Goldstein”, anyway. Which brings me to …
The gratefulness that I have for Ken and Beth and their “surprise insistence” that I visit with my Dad only grows the more that I reflect upon it. By “surprise”, I already knew that visiting my Dad was part of visiting the Motor, but as to what made it important for them ended up making it important for me. The visit took me back to when I made it through Air Assault school and my Dad drove down to Fort Campbell to watch me get my pin. That was a special moment between us, and for him to see me doing well and in good company, well, that was a moment that was another special moment in its own way. Thanks guys!
I’M STANDING ON THE THRESHOLD OF THE UPS AND THE DOWNS
Another thing that was symbolized by visiting with my Father was my ability to listen to people who really have MY best interest at heart. This is a different from someone who wants what they think is best for you, which is often skewed by their own prejudices. It is a trait that I have had to develop since my injury was confirmed. The whole notion of “who can I trust?” is an important part of choosing who it is that I can rely on for honest opinion, and not their personal bias. So it happened that people with whom I place implicit trust in, felt that I should, against my own judgment, see my Father while I was back home, however brief, and let him know that I love him. Talk about priceless!
One of the reasons that the “what’s my motivation” question has the prominence that it has recently is due to the scheduled review of my life mission and its scope. Recent developments has brought new urgency to my goals and would alter the grand vision of my long-term future.
The position that I want at the Fitness club where I am employed only requires an associate degree as qualification. Had I already obtained my credits, I’d be working in that job NOW. So a sense of urgency has presented itself as it has at no other time during my journaling. I cannot afford myself a leisurely pace, just as I cannot risk a mistake made in haste. For instance, I have been worried that should I take a full-load of classes at Metro, that I would slip and possibly fail a course. Not only would there be academic repercussions, but financial ones as well. But you know what..? Without daring, nothing great has ever been accomplished. And for me, to have come from where I came from seven years ago, the reaching of full employment and no longer being on disability would be a great achievement, to say nothing of obtaining my bachelor’s degree.
What are the stories that you have told yourself about your life, your fates? Whether it be in romance, material wealth, professional goals, what stories have you told yourself about the highs and lows of your life? Have you been knocked off track by choices that you realized after the fact were questionable and that the signs were evident beforehand?? Because of the stories I have told myself about my life, the importance of forbearance in my decision-making cannot be understated. Not surprisingly, I have long sought a encompassing philosophy for myself, and through which I would live a fulfilling life.
The Jon Gruden quote, “It’s not the right way because it’s my way, but it is my way because it’s the right way”, has been in my thoughts since I left Mookie Dee. I don’t really “question” myself… at least not the way others do. For instance, I stand on my “Rules To Live By” and form my value judgments accordingly. They shape and outline my life’s approach and I find the answers to my journey in my life’s most persistent questions.
In my relationships and personal interactions I think of myself as considerate. I don’t make a choice that is most favorable or advantageous to me, but the decision that I can be most responsible for, the one with which the consequences are those that I can live with. And I also think that this is a universal consideration that is taken in all personal relationships, so I do not believe that this is a quality that is unique to me. In my mind, the key story that I tell myself about my life hinges on this point.
In my mind, this is a measure of a person’s character. There is no reason to assign a specific trait or to define what exactly is the particular issue or how this development relates to our relationship. “Love has nothing to do with what you are expecting to get — only with what you are expecting to give — which is everything.” -Katherine Hepburn. Anyone who chooses to prioritize the things in life that is important or a priority to them over you cannot be a person with whom you can expect much from in a relationship. So whenever I encounter such a person, I don’t expect much from them. Ever.
Because of the nature of my injury, being able to trust that a person isn’t trying to take advantage of me is THE determining factor of those who are close to me in my life. Without exception, if I have to wonder about the motivations of a person…
Since I knew of both Ken and Beth’s intent, I had to surrender to their judgement. And the reason that I could do that was the trust that I have in them. Their motivations were unimpeachable, their supporting arguments valid. With so much committed to the executive functions of my life, the energy to think through social functions are limited. But with most of my life spent recognizing and celebrating my introversion, I feel prepared and capable of living independently, and doing so happily.
Contentment is within reach. When I meet with my counselor for school I will find out how fast I can finish my stay at Metro Community College. I will worry myself about my bachelor’s degree later… it is on my life path and my future includes working toward reaching that goal.
Much of my future revolves around making sure I am on the path of my choosing. I want the things that are important to me to be relevant and a priority in my life. Without that, then everything I have done to this point will be for naught. Relationships, the people I have allowed to be “that person” in my life, I believe, has been my sticking point.