Treated Nebraska to lunch… went to Cascio’s, a well-known, long time fixture, on the Omaha dining scene. When I got into town I had either heard or read that it was Warren Buffett’s favorite place to eat, and given my penchant for appearing at The Whitney in the Motor, I felt obliged to give it a go. What was really cool was that one of the members of my gym is a waitress there and I had been telling her for a while that I was going to give it a lunch date-- and by chance we were seated in her section! That went well, the only “but” being my awkwardness at having “a friend”. This, needless to say, will remain a work in progress.
Having had my bona fides verified albeit indirectly, as friendly as I can appear at times, I am equally, if not more so, capable of cutting people out of my life. This has been hinted at with my claim of only ever wanting to venture back to see if Tee Jay and I could reignite our relationship (and, I guess, to a lesser extent, same with Nebraska). And what I discovered in finally having the valuable “face time” with Tee Jay, is as with the matriculation I endured with Mookie Dee, is that I really can’t get into “going back” with regard to relationships. But it isn’t just because I want to move forward (which, IMO, is enough of a reason not to, in and of itself), but that trying to find a path to a new relationship that has ran its course in hopes of re-living the good, also means that the assuming the negatives that either existed as a result of the coupling, or, exclusive to each individual prior to the initial relationship.
No matter what type of chemistry that may exist with a person, the principle of uncertainty, whether Heisenberg’s or Von Clausewitz's, when either is applied invalidates the relationship. I am less certain of the reliability of someone who has proven themselves to be questionable and promising something different than I am of someone that has yet to prove their mettle. It is a rare case of potential being worth more than a track record.
BREAKING THROUGH THE LEVELS OF DISBELIEF
Doubt is what makes monsters out of the shadows. Some people can thrive off it, like I mentioned in the previous entry, Michael Jordan was a fusion reactor of doubt, from high school, college, the NBA draft… I mean, I could go on and on. This doubt was not of himself, but from others who not only did not think he would be MICHAEL JORDAN, but did not think he would reach the heights in anything, let alone in basketball.
He is not alone. Just like the beautiful woman who remembers being unattractive and awkward as a teenager, people who know success in all walks of life are often driven by an internal motivation that pushes them in spite of any and all difficulties. This observation of mine that I have, as intuitive and uneducated as it is, has always been tempered by what I see as the bitterness of opportunity and having to work as hard as necessary to “be” “whatever”. Michael Jordan again exemplifies this, as he is graceless in comparisons to him and current stars, contemporaries, and even former teammates. This is something that I understand… and where I think that have been in want.
There has never been a time in my life where my drive has been fueled by an antagonistic challenge, an imagined foe or instigated by a lack of anything. As evidenced from my journal, I simply face my problems and do what I can to solve them. But what I haven’t been able to do is motivate myself to go too far beyond my comfort. That has to change, particularly if I am going to make the most of what is left in me. I have already forgiven myself for being reckless with the gift that has been my life so far. Now, in believing what I do about myself, I am going to be more driven, more focused and more centered on the things that I feel is right, and more scrupulous with myself and with those who I let into my life.
THE STRAW MAN
Because I have never felt the burning fires that those who have been able to reach their goals, I am going to use a technique that Michael Jordan, among others, have used to push themselves to their successes. I am going to create the antagonist, culled from the memories of coming up short, being told that I can’t, and from the disbelief of people who did not share my vision.
Of course, logically, this person doesn’t truly exist. But there have been enough people who lacked the faith in my goals and purpose, who through their own poor logic and lack of reason, could not share in my vision. Up until now I have always told myself, “hey, I can dig it,” but just beneath the surface I really was NOT “digging it”. And now, I tell myself that I don’t have to, and I DON’T.
My relationship with Mookie Dee, and in subsequent possible couplings, confirmed for me that the typecasting done by some women and included long-held negative prejudices against men (brothers specifically). These preconceived notions are among the issues that will not allow them to have the kind of relationship that I feel is suited for growth in a coupling. So to that end, I am going to let Princess be my “straw man”, the focus and representative of all the unjustness of my life. When I made the decision to allow this irrational, illogical thinking to be a part of my consciousness, a strange thing happened. I felt a burst of energy, a shot of adrenaline surging throughout my body, and my thinking became crystal clear. I knew what I had to do, and I want to do these things despite the obstacles ahead of me.
With that in mind, I will likely be posting about irrational and contrived situations where she plays a character central to the conflict. I had thought about creating this imagined clash within myself before, but I always have shied away, thinking that I would become embittered and paranoid from always thinking and seeing the “less than” of people and situations. I always had held that people who do this never seem to find pleasure in their life. And that is what I see in Michael Jordan. He has raged against his imagination so much and for so long, that all he sees is the shadows of his own fears. I don’t think that I will have that worry. Just as Michael and those like him, have been the way that they are for too long to be any different, I don’t think that I could be at risk of losing my true self. But I do want to “get somewhere” and perhaps the tilting at windmills can drive me to effort and a success beyond my current perceived abilities.
“When danger is greatest. --It is rare to break one’s leg when in the course of life one is toiling upwards-- it happens much more often when one starts to take things easy and to choose the easy paths.” -Friedrich Nietzsche