Wednesday, April 2, 2014

MORE THINGS THAT I THINK THAT I AM THINKING ABOUT


TACTICAL

Because one of the assertions that I made is that I would able to not only manage my life alone but flourish, it is difficult to “journal” in the traditional sense.  I am not afraid of the obstacles between the “here” and “there” in my life, the issues that I face, and though there has been some looking back, I have endeavored to keep my “third eye psyche” looking forward.  This, I believe, means that a lot of the personal asides that make up personal journals that I won’t be griping a lot about “this and that” because they are not related to anything that influences my trending.

Speech class is going well… I am a good public speaker and I am able to keep up with the rest of the students for the most part.  I say “the most part” because I will likely always be insecure about preparation for class… that is a leftover effect from my NT days… I stress being prepared in all things, as it is among the uncertainties in life that I as an individual, can myself control.  We recently had an impromptu speech assigned, and I did very well.  I did not use notes, speaking totally extemporaneously about a topic I selected from cards that the instructor had randomly addressed.

I am going to take Scarlett Rose (the bike that I was given before X-Mas or 2011 after “Doug” was stolen from work) to a nearby bike shop to be reconditioned before I donate her to the Open Door Mission.  I figure since I did not have to pay for her and received her brand new, the least that I could do is put the money saved on her non-purchase back into her and let someone else get her in refurbished condition.

WHY DO I “THINK THAT I THINK THAT I AM THINKING ABOUT THINGS THAT I AM THINKING ABOUT”?

Like the oceans from which life evolved, there is not much really known about the brain.  There are assumptions and guesses, but there is at least as much unknown, if not more, about how it functions.  For instance, I believe that I have mentioned that, considering I can avoid being regularly thrashed about the skull, that whatever I have lost due to my injury has pretty much been tabulated.  This means that what I have now is what I have to work with, and that I was right in assuming that I had enough “smarts” that even with my deficit, that I am still more intelligent than you!  But this is more about how we don’t know or even understand why we think the things we do, what inspires us.  Recently, I experienced moments that while foreign, were also understood for what they were.  That is what I mean when I have “things that I think that I am thinking about” on my mind.

I read a Cracked article that confirmed what I have known all along, that our brains conspire to make us miserable.  The one conclusion in the article that I do disagree with, and did when I was first exposed to it, Freud’s observations on happiness is, incorrect.  I believe that once you become aware, then happiness becomes a CHOICE, just as being unhappy is a choice.  I don’t think that we are drawn to fear or to believe that the worst possible outcome awaits us in every shadow.  And even with Nietzsche and Schopenhauer talking about how miserable life can be, despite the influence of their writings on me, I still saw and continue to see, pleasure in simply existing.  Louis CK does a good job in his stand up of expressing how inconsiderate many of us are with this amazing period where technology and society has met, leaving us where we are at this very moment.


So when I find myself being bogged down with thoughts that seem to have spontaneously generated, I categorize them as “things that I think that I am thinking about”.  Let’s get things right… I am disabled, saddled with chronic traumatic brain injury, living on my Social Security and just a skosh above minimum wage job, and I am flat out chilling, do you hear me, CHILLING!

I am typing this up on my own laptop, with two busted lappy’s stuck in a cubby of my entertainment center, which also houses my 38” flatscreen television.  I have food in my fridge, three bicycles, and a closetful of clothes.  What, me worry?

But I was at work, in an environment that I wanted to be in, with opportunity to move up awaiting me, when I found my mind besieged by thoughts of, wait for it, Nebraska and Princess!  This is where the Cracked article really came into being, because I have no idea how they both came into my mind, as I have not consciously thought of either of them in many a day.  It felt odd, because what would be the purpose of having them on my mind?  As I am constantly fatigued and my mind spinning, that perhaps my brain was triggered by something in my environment and there they were, the both of them, wanting for attention.  That was as far as it went, because of the rules and axioms that I swear by.

Do they ever think of me?  Do I ever cross their minds??  More importantly, do I even care???  That is why this sudden possession of my thoughts felt alien to me, because I don’t give much of my cognitive energies worrying about either of them.  This is not to say that either of them are not regarded fondly or anything like that, but neither have they deigned to reach out to me, so that makes kind makes it a self-fulfilling question.  Now if this is the kind of processing that I have gone through just to justify some random thought about two women that I deeply cared for, can you imagine how difficult it was for even an NT Mark to finished the process that would bring about the actions I would need to take in order to talk to someone who have already given me my papers?  Yes, it feels odd to think that with all the investment into both relationships that we are not even able to communicate with one another, but c’est la vie!  I am not going to make something out of nothing, conjure up a construct so that I can occupy some stray thoughts that came from out of the ether...

3 comments:

Babz Rawls Ivy said...

I keep the faith for you. Like a tenacious rose, you will bloom anywhere. Such resilience.

Indeed.

abbiestreehouse said...

I think school is one of the hardest things to do in life, because when it comes to studying there really isn't a "finish line," you can *always* convince yourself that you need to do more!

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