Been a wearying week but nothing to get worried by. In fact, I look forward to them because of the unifying purpose behind my efforts. The cold presented its own challenge earlier this week, but otherwise I have no real concerns, save studying for Algebra (Thanks Miss Mrs. A for the assist!!). If there were any personal, journal-worthy stuff to think about, it would be the “official” rollout for my 2014. A few things have come up and I don’t know how much effort should be made towards the proverbial “this and that” which have been previously unrelated to each other.
Trying to resurrect a fail relationship had been, prior to Mookie Dee and me, something that I had not done before with a former girlfriend. For me, the overwhelming evidence that it was not going to work out was the fail itself… because I knew that when I told someone “the truth”, that it was just that and I could not have done any more to have maintained the relationship because I gave it my all. There was not one more thing that I could have done with what I had at the time to work with in saving the relationship.
I use a lot of different metaphors to communicate my beliefs and core principles because for most of my adulthood, “speaking straight away” as I call it, has been frowned upon within the boundaries of any relationship. There is no loss of irony in that those who would claim to “keep it real” are often the very ones who find themselves hurt and put off when faced with the a different perspective or truth. And when I say “truth”, it is relative to whatever situation that the truth represents. That is why there are so many truths, still, in defining what is and what isn’t essential to reveal the best answer to a question, the truth is what it is.
My “Rules To Live By” are allegorical. They represent the connection that I believe exists action between my spiritual self and the world as I interpret it. There are also “axiomatic rules” that are perhaps much clearer and I am going to discuss one of them in this entry.
“If in the affairs of the everyday- the trifles of life… a man is inconsiderate and seeks only what is advantageous or convenient to himself, to the prejudice of other’s rights’ if he appropriates to himself that which belongs to all alike, you may be sure there is no justice in his heart, and that he would be a scoundrel on a wholesale scale, only that law and compulsion bind his hands.” -Arthur Schopenhauer
My interpretation and application of this is pretty simple. When there is nothing at stake and little to be gained by a person either materially or in esteem, is when they are revealed for what they are in the depths of their soul. Thinking about the people in the past that may have let their true nature be know as an adult, I always reflect upon my starter wife and one of our early episodes while dating and I brought her over to the 48219 to meet my family.
What took place that evening, what what said between her and my peeps, the cooing over her daughter, BJ, has been lost to me. The only things that I have left are the memories of the deed the repeated confirmation that she did indeed disparage my hero, Thomas Hearns. Even in going back to that moment, it was not a huge thing in proportion to the time… but it was notable. Every nuance to her character, the core upon which the facade was layered upon was available for view in all the ugliness and ignorance it contained. After my separation and divorced, l vowed to never make the mistakes that were made with her again (not to say that I have been mistake-free, jus’ sayin’..!) in a person, much less a love interest.
The scene fits the parameters set by Schopenhauer and it is why I have always felt more responsible for the fail in our marriage (and explains why “this and that” has always been unrelated!). I knew at that moment that I needed to abort the union, but I had the “static” of collective societal behaviors in my thoughts and allowed our relationship to proceed to its inevitable crash. After analyzing why I chose her and accounting for those qualities, “reminding me of my starter wife” became a rule for me. Not only do I weigh others against it, but I weigh myself as well.
I don’t want to remind anyone of their “crappy ex” at anytime in the relationship. Once I have heard a comparison or a similarity drawn, it remains to be seen if the comparison was one that “was found at Sears” or because of how trait, activity, or experience of mine parallels one their ex’s.
For instance, I am not the only athlete, soldier, fitness cat in the world, nor am I the only one who likes sweets or eats cold cereal for dinner. So it is natural for those things to be noted. It is when those comparisons and similarities are drawn from less flattering and problematic traits that contributed to their unhappiness/fail. Doing that creates a feedback loop where I begin wondering about the viability of what we are doing together. It should be obvious if I can bring back memories of a bad relationship that I am not the one for you.