Why do I have a candle lit still for Tee Jay? Well, I am holding an official copy of my high school transcript, and in no small part because of her!! When it has come down to someone that I have to rely upon, she has always been “that person”, and I don’t have to explain how my fractious relations with my family to convince her that I need HER help. Contrast that with the Jay Pharoah and Kerry Washington spoof video, “What Does My Girl Say?”, where near the end of the song, a busted Jay pleads with his girl… “But you pay for my phone!!” For me, this was a very revealing statement about the fictional relationship and for real life relationships.
Yeah, I have been a big time panty thief, and I have gone on many a successful panty raid. But I have NEVER had a female provide me with any materiel of any kind, and I would never ask for some ostentatious item or for the money to use for any similarly puerile and selfish reason. Thus, it while it has been a painful decision to cut people out of my life, it has not been difficult, because the validity of the thinking that brought me to that particular position has always been confirmed, and unfortunately, it often involved those who were closest to me.
But this is not that entry. All, or nearly all, that can be discounted and made obsolete in my life has been made just that. Getting set for the next year and things that are relevant to making it a successful one has mostly been taken care of and is ready to go. The countdown is on and lift off is imminent!!
“Love has nothing to do with what you are expecting to get-- and everything with what you are expecting to give.” -Leo Buscaglia
I have found it so very surprising that for such an isolationist of a person that I understood the quote above as a key component in a loveship, with an implicit awareness of what the choice to be in love with another person meant. Additionally, it is always easy to spot someone who does not have a full understanding of what it means to be in love, to be committed to a shared ideal with another person, equally yoked. That is what I heard when Kerry Washington left her video boyfriend wondering who was going to pay for his phone. Because I inferred the dynamic between them was one where the female was the one who had a better-paying job/credit worthiness, and felt that by purchasing the phone she was also staking claim to his affections/respect. While it seems obvious that would not be the case, the thinking is often mistaken for sound reasoning, when it is nothing more than flawed logic. See, if the relationship was one where the value was placed on the things that had MEANING, or that the meaning of what love represented was appraised for its true worth to both parties, then I posit that a decision on what was valued could have been made. Then Jay would not have gotten dissed at his family’s gathering!
THE EMOTIONAL RESIDUE OF LOVE
"I began the process of unloving you that day… unloving you for the sly
and uncaring way you were betraying us. More than this, I began to un-love
you for being a stranger to everything my mind and heart had erected you
to be.” ~from Like Litter in the Wind by L.M. Ross
My own personal approach to life draws on so many different sources that even a young man I found it quite difficult to explain and source much of what I was speaking on. So in the blogging universe, I am comfortable nabbing thoughts like the quote above from another blog, the expression of the feeling and emotion is one that perhaps I share with another, both drawing from the same words but for different reasons in the same way.
At the launch of this journal “thing”, I had hoped to get the clutter, the flecks of paper and floating grains of dust, that were wedged between my thoughts, stuck from years of want of use and direction, cleared away so that I could again make my own way into the world. For all my talk of introversion and inhibitions around the idea of closeness to others, at the time I was confused and wounded by the way things were between Mookie Dee and myself. Our relationship was built on fault lines that were obvious and could have been engineered around. The problem we had, the problem that is all too common in relationships like the one in the video parody, is that you have people doing what they always done yet expecting a different result.
In the meantime, I have continued on my paradigm-changing ways regarding intimate relationships. One, is the idea that you can find someone to complete you, to make all your desires a reality. From daily provisions to healing of your wounds, loving you and all of your scars, the myth of a woman’s notions of romance is no longer about Prince Charming and the fairytale dynamic, but about how they can be restored as a being. And I don’t know if it is because of having been taking advantage of for their nurturing traits or having accepted as fact the tropes about men, I have encountered specifically the type of relationships that I had always hope to have avoided.
My life has never been one that has been lived in any great precision. That has not been due to a lack of wanting to be more focused on my path, but like my ability to “win friends and influence people”, a sign that if I am to be more than whatever I am, to cultivate and blossom in my destiny, that I would, just maybe, require a partner with which to reach it with.
Part of the methodology that I use in my life relies upon looking at things in the abstract, to look through lenses that were shaped to look at the world for a different set of eyes, and just maybe finding a deeper purpose or understanding of what it is I am facing. Which is why even as the definitions seem bend into an unrecognizable shape in this new universe that I am in, the thing that I must remember is that I will need a new vision, a new understanding to negotiate the worlds and lives that await.
AND ALL WE HAVE IS WHAT WE ARE
I have always had blurred visions of my future… even before my injury began to manifest in my life. That, ladies and gentleman, is where the entrance of another person may have been in the cards for me. When I am seized by a sense of purpose, a call to duty, that is when I have felt most engaged with reality. But for myself… the song, “Making Plans For Nigel” aptly describes the desires that I have for myself.
“Every man alone is sincere, at the entrance of another person the hypocrisy begins.” -Ralph Waldo Emerson
Part of a larger selection, I have always interpreted Emerson’s advice as warning of all the masks and veils that are worn by others, who conceal their intents and desires sometimes so well that they betray their own interest at the expense of making sure that you do not achieve your own. For some, the lack of ignorance of their own failings would also cause them in their clumsiness, to dearrange the events in my life by nothing more than the chance occurrence that brought them into my life. How much more important, then, is it to prevent those who may not mean any harm, but who is followed by the very confusion that I have been striving to avoid?
Among some of the oft-repeated pet phrases of mine, “We knew the environment”, is one that has been one that I have used to illustrate that I possess an understanding of “this and that”, as in this dimension of my life, they are now both related in certain circumstance. I don’t worry that I will not have fulfilled my potential, as each passing moment my future is still yet to have been written. But armed with the rules of what made up a previous life, I will boldly advance into the shadows of uncertainty.