I have recently completed an 8-week strength training program and I am measurably stronger than I was prior to beginning the training schedule. This week has been more of a recovery week and next week I will start a program that is more about conditioning than it is strength. Being able to move more weight makes me feel confident about being a “big guy”.
Having received my transcript and getting ready to go back to school in December, I have thought about my goals as well as my ability to achieve them. In fact, that brings me to one of the pillars of this journal. I had hoped to get feedback on my life choices, floating trial balloons and getting advice on the direction that I set myself on. One of the things that people who find themselves disillusioned with their situation, often inhabit an echo chamber of sorts, filled with a cacophony of equally disillusioned, disappointed, and generally less happy than they could be, giving voice to poorly reasoned thoughts. I’d rather have shouted my frustrations to the cold and harsh void of the internet than suffer commiserating my situation with fans of Nicky Minaj and the Maury Povich brand of talk show journalism, and the proofs of the Einstein corollary “We cannot solve our problems with the same level of thinking we used when we created them.”
KRS-One in one of his songs poses a question to himself… “You call yourself a philosopher?”, answering the rhetorical, he says, “Yes, I think very deeply!” And that is why I am confident in my ability to make my way in life in spite, maybe INSPIRED BY, my disability.
“We cannot take this uncertainty too seriously, and it is important to be prepared for it from the beginning.”
I don’t mean to ever seem dismissive of the concerns of others for my well-being. The thoughts come from their best places and are treasured by me. But one of the fundamental problems I have experienced in my life, is that along with a person’s inability to maybe intellectually grasp my reasoning, is the normal presence of doubts in the efforts of anything that includes risk and/or daring. Understandably, one’s instincts are set to not only recognize and avoid danger, but human society is ready to reward those who flaunt exposure to jeopardy. Thus, the conundrum for those in want of their hopes becomes one where will they take flight and leap across the gap between their want and their desires, or will they be overwhelmed by their fears, frozen in their constant analysis of the pitfalls should they be wrong.
From my first trip to Omaha to apply for housing, I knew that I would be given the opportunity to pursue my life. It was preordained, not merely because of my own subjective expectations and rose-coloured outlooks, but by all the combined wisdom of history that I have stood my philosophy upon. Though I am not nearly as voracious a reader as I once was and my memory is certainly not what it once was, my confidence and willingness to pursue my life with the attitude that I am indeed striving towards something “great”. I feel that my life, this brief existence in eternity is the only opportunity will ever have… what then, is anything worth to me..?
“Far better it is to dare mighty things, to win glorious triumphs even though checkered by failure, than to rank with those poor spirits who neither enjoy nor suffer much because they live in the gray twilight that knows neither victory nor defeat.” - Theodore Roosevelt
Yeah, this journal can sometimes become a “word salad” of sorts to read (though, a very tasty and filling one!!) because stretching back to the dawn of my self-awareness, I have been awestruck by the majesty and the wonder of living RIGHT NOW, of being in THIS BODY, and my desire is to be as ready as I can be for each and every moment that is to come. The sense of grandeur that I have for being alive is possibly the most keenly tangible aspect of my character. It is why I wake up in an almost innocent, child-like, state of joy each and every day. I may not be able to put into words my “why” of life but that does not diminish my “how” at all.
Because of the nature of a journal, my ambitious writing style, and my contradictory reticence to share my discomfort while keeping a journal, I understand if people make assumptions about who I am. For those who have been sympatico, for I began writing as I was coming to terms with a failed relationship and my disability, I have appreciated the kindness of all who have shared their concerns and advice throughout my journey. Whenever I have spoken about the relationship aspect of my life, I would always wonder if the importance of having THAT PERSON in my life seemed to be outsized in its actual measure to me than it did to others.
For instance, I expected to hear and receive comment about the fail between Nebraska and myself, especially after all the discussion about what she represented to me in my decision to move here. Then, when Princess shockingly (but never was it a surprise) pulled the plug on our relationship, I really thought that I would have gotten a response from readers… but I haven’t in either case. And that means that you have been paying attention!!
For me, relationships have been my “war zone”. It has always been a clash of ideology and of personal behavior traits.
The redundancy in saying, “I am not quite like other people”, really baffles me. If we all are unique, then NO ONE is unique. But what being “different” and having a life story that is incapable of being understood, is to me, nothing more than unbridled egoism and self-centered thinking. And this kind of reasoning that is the primary reason that I have never considered being in a relationship as a tentpole in my life (as well as why I don’t feel much guilt for the “Run ‘n Shoot” era..!).
There is a lot of negativity surrounding relationships that has always made me cautious and ironically, that negativity also serves to make women vulnerable emotionally. I won’t drone on about the “stuff” that I think that drives them towards the edges of cliffs, but I do know that it is something that consists of a lot of “not my damn problem”. And one of the predictors of things that are not my problem is the comparison to similarities of past relationships to the current one. I only expect the best of all results... and if the other person can't objectively do the same...
People keep seeing the problems of their past relationships and relating them into their current ones. Eventually cause that will cause future fail in relationships, no matter what event actually precipitates its “last act”, or if it is a chain of events that does it, if they all emerge from the ghosts of “when it happened last time”, then the fault ultimately lies with you. The reason why is pretty simple… you cannot hope to expect anything different if all you see and recognize are the results of your past. You can’t grow that way, and I think that many people are still single and wanting for love in their life. They can’t fit it into their lives because of all that haunts them is taking up all the room away from their hopes and desires.