It has taken roughly six full calendar years to reach this point but here I am. There is none of the angst that generated the need to journal in me; which is not to say that there aren’t any of “the complexities of life to be pondered” going on in Omaha. But unlike in the “provincial town” I was in when I started this stuff, I am the agency through which determines what of all things in my lif, is a priority and should be acted on. That said…
In a recent post I hinted that one of my (or should I have said, “among my many, many!) conceits is that I think that I am thinking very deeply. Now even with myself, I don’t believe that I am all that deep, but I simply sift some of the dust that has collected on the status quo. My observations are not really profound or anything like that, but I do bid to become more aware of myself and my connection to both the micro and macro of consciousness.
AND NOW, A DANCE BREAK!
Song has been motivatin’ a brother for over three decades!
THE FUTURE ISN’T WRITTEN
A lot of times when I could quote some of my favorite quotes verbatim, the stark absoluteness of the words would leave many a listener taken aback. Though I did mix in some of Buddha and a little from the Bagadavita and some Tao of Pooh for good measure, and while I did not have a full command (as I do with most of my ramblings… the contrast of my self-confidence with my humility) of great understanding, what was just below the surface of the words, but it was more than what most people dared. Anywho, I would save for most of my weighter ponderings for those who were trying to look within themselves. And for those who were among my “intimates”...
I have wanted for most of my life, since “the era of my discontent”, to live by my rules and with the flaws of my family being well documented here, it has been much to my chagrin to have let people into my life that did not quite fit the criteria of being a person that I could trust as part of my life. Subsequent to that, the question could have been how much trust and reliability does a person have on me? Since it has been well over a decade since I have been a benign, but still a sh*tty guy, it would be understandable if someone was hesitant and concerned about my character. Solving for that, I am left to wonder if their hesitancy is due to the revisiting of past hurts and maltreatment at the hands of those who had their own selfish interests at heart. In my interactions with women, both in my recent past and since I have been in Omaha, I could point to evidence where I believe their actions were based on past fears, and/or mistrust of their own judgement. Combined with the stereotype of a “typical male” that lurks constantly in the thoughts of the insecure, uncertain, and slightly damaged (like ALL OF US, and that is a key point to hold onto) women, I have found it increasingly difficult to find someone partner with. And all that is still cool with me.
It bears worth repeating that I am cool with solitude, and I prefer the certainty that there is but one thought that dominates all others in my heart and in my mind. Given that my title speaks about love, and this is an open journal, I feel that I should explain my position before I go on.
One of the more tiresome tropes I have dealt with is the one of “Ain’t nobody got time for that!” in relationships. The “that” which the person is speaking with is their version or interpretation of the “typical male” stereotype, you know, the guy sitting around with his XBox or PS3, no job and expecting Santa (a.k.a his girlfriend) to come up with the newer version for Christmas. And what makes them tired of “that” is how many times before they have looked back upon their relationships and saw the same thing, they had been putting up with “that”.
ANY SIMILARITIES TO ANYONE LIVING OR IN THE PAST IS PURELY COINCIDENTAL
This is one of the leading causes that leads to the erosion of love in a relationship. Sure, there are a lot of giving, thoughtful women, women whose instinct to “Mother” often is misappropriated and abused, that are lonely and mayhaps deserving of someone to love them back equally. If there is, cool, and if I find one, super cool. But I won’t sweat it if I don’t and I am not looking too hard, either.
I don’t know what my destination will be. My focus in on the “here and now” and my very next step. Sometimes, it is quite literal that I have to focus on the VERY NEXT THING that I am doing before I can envision a goal of any sorts. So when I sense that I am dealing with a person who is struggling with their own personal history, their own wants and desires, with the now and future present with me, I can “exit, stage left”, and move on. Not because love and all its trappings is not a priority for me, but because the fear in others keeps love from being a priority for them.
You are aware that anything that is “non-tactical” is also more fiction than non-fiction..? Don’t anyone go worrying about me… and maybe this journal will eventually be about “something”..!