ATTENDING TO THE REMNANTS OF FALL

TACTICAL

For a while I have been verklempt at the paucity of entries by other bloggers.  Either their entries get push down in my Dashboard feed because of their rarity, or they have simply stopped blogging.  I understand that there has been a migration to other media platforms for self-expression, but the main culprit, Facebook, seems to be more of self-promotion and attention getting.  But that is me…

I feel like sharing something but I would rather share it with the subject first.  My 2014 is pretty well laid out before me… trips to the Motor, Carolina, and Northern Indiana await, as does my certification to become a personal trainer.  Next fall, we will be on full “hustle hard” status, as I will be trying to get out of Community College and over to UN-O.  It isn’t lost on me that many folks in my situation are “at best” finishing at that level, but I am too stubborn for that mess.  I will figure a way to get my BA and then..?

I think more in philosophical aspects now that I am with myself and it is not often that my thoughts dwell on the past.  Both Nebraska and Princess flash through my mind on occasion but it is never more than that.  I bear neither of them any ill, but nor do I mourn nor pine for their company.  When you have the answers to most of your questions, then you should accept that things “are what they are”, and you move on.

Having well-catalogued my introversion, it is not surprising that I am nearing a state of bliss-- again being told by strangers who I see in passing throughout my windings about town, that I am always smiling-- and just as often as I hear that, I hear the comment on how good it is for them to see.  Yet another convincing sign that I made a positive decision to move to Omaha.

I have started a book, “Plainsong”, by Kent Haruf, and the nature of it has inspired me to think about fiction writing again.  It will be good to start reading again… in order to be a competent writer, I think that you have to be at least a good reader, so that you can see and discover your own voice as it echoes in the words of others.  Right now, having falling back on my “Rules To Live By” and thinking according to their inspiration, I would prolly try to write some pompous and overwrought monologue, one that was not as intelligent as it aspired to be!

The fitness club where I work is running a holiday contest, “Maintain, Don’t Gain”, and I am entered.  I actually expect to lose some weight over the holiday and I plan on getting a camera to record myself maxing out on three lifts, the bench press, the squat, and the deadlift.  There is a “Go Pro” camera that has caught my attention, but we will see.  I also would like to get a new phone as the one I have is bargain bin stuff.

WHEN YOU HAVE PROBLEMS WITH SOLUTIONS…YOU HAVE NO PROBLEMS

This is something that I cannot stress enough.  It is like the scene in the Matrix, where Neo (Keanu Reeves) goes to see the Oracle and the little Krishna boy is sitting in atrium bending the spoon with his mind.  Does the spoon actually bend through telekinesis or is it as the boy explains to Neo, that, “there is no spoon”?

I think of my problems in much the same way.  There are no problems, just answers waiting to be discovered.  Whatever it is that is in the way, what ever obstacle that appears, is nothing more than a figment of my imagination.  It requires a different kind of thinking, a different appreciation for the opportunity and acculturation, to really believe the power of positive thinking.  And when I say positive, I do mean exactly that.

Fumbling around the internet, I saw a story about a form of optimism, “Opti-cism”, a merging between skepticism and optimism.  Though that may sound good to others folks and I do understand, I am so like f*ck that.  I have never seen a story that motivated me that had the element of lowered expectations that is implicit by that word mash-up.  It is like the slang words and phrases that are like fingernails-against-a-chalkboard irritating to me.  Why have dreams, why bother to be inspired, if you consider that you first must grind a dose of pessimism in your desires, and call that, “being real” before you set out to do anything?

Now the difference in how I feel about a prospective novel of mine and what it achieves prolly is a better example of what I mean.  Should I become the next Stephen King, writing and creating wonderfully engrossing stories and characters, it will be due to my doing my very best and reaching my level of creativity.  If I never get anything published and do nothing but blog, that is cool too, because again, it likely means that I reached my level of ability and fulfilled it.  And if that is true, then I am cool.  Confirming that it is, I would think would also include a few rejection notices, some unfinished doodlings, or a combination thereof, but it won’t include me sitting in a bar with a drink in my hand saying, “Yeah, I tried to be a writer… tough racket!”

Prolly chief among my reasons for de-prioritizing relationships isn’t that I don’t want to be involved with someone… but that my philosophy is actually quite tangible and more to me than simply “words”.  It is who I am, and if I utter a quote or make a statement that is based on something that as an intimate, you KNOW that I have thought about, then that means YOU have something to think about!

Before I get much deeper, this is not a rant or anything like that… nor is it something that is unilateral and demanding and only subject to someone else.  These are the same standards that I hold myself accountable to, and why I am inscrutable about the flow of information between me and a prospective partner.  I am not going to consciously hold anything back from anyone, and if they have “the shakes” about letting me in, then fine.  It has been oft-repeated, but “... you must choose men upon whom you can rely and to put aside all other considerations…”  It swings both ways and it is the enforcement of such a policy that have many women at odds with their partner.  Along with a “you’re prior bad decisions should have no bearing on our current relationship”, which is policy that can be seen with my distaste for comparisons and similarities with previous fail relationships that a person was a part of, I think is the primary reasons I am not a “serial repeat offender” in the world of relationships.

Not that anyone asked or wondered… but there is no real interest for me to participate in a relationship at this time.  My stability and momentum would be at risk and I would not want to lose either.  That is one of the reasons I don’t want any talk of interactions mentioned outside of a tactical report to concern anyone, and for my attempts to serialize my imagination taken with a pinch of salt...