I have been doing well. No worries at all. We’ll be in class this coming winter term and I intend to knock this term out of the park!
In my previous entry I mentioned that there is a difference in how I see my relationships with Nebraska and Princess. While there are factors that account as to “why” the differences exist, I had to wonder if there was a psychological or philosophical need to state or explain the process that I used to arrive at my conclusions. It was at this point I realized that I don’t care.
Words matter. In the world that I live in, to “not care” is the worst thing that I think, much less say, about anything ever. It was in realizing how unmoved the ideation that I held of either of them, or our relationships, left me that I found I did not have anything to say about the two of them that I have actually not already said about them, not that I have ever spoken at length about them anyway (you know I am serious when I spell ‘anyway’ correctly!!). How I arrived at my decision to place them in my vault of past loves and friends, along with their ranking, matters less to me than it does to any objective observer of these pages. And that, along with my registering for class, is what brought about the warping of time and space around me. Everything, and I do mean everything, had brought me to THIS POINT in spacetime, and was being crushed as it all came together, only to be remade on the other side beyond what could be seen. And what is on the other side..?
I. Don’t. Know.
What I do know is that my life experiences and philosophy has brought me here. This is not the first time I have felt the planes of my lifegrid warp and things begin to move in what I call, “the time of timelessness”, a period of growth where a person grasp actually exceeds his reach and they have the opportunity to pull into themselves all that they can of their life and the good it contains, before the physics of being and the philosophy that comes with being self-aware reassert themselves. All that was once real will return, perhaps as it once was, but the time to shape and form the future is at hand.
Early in my journey to “here”, I would relate how I felt about thing in regard to my past… past relationships, mainly, and for some readers it could have easily been mistaken for my being stuck in all the past hurts and wrongs of my life. My reflection was undertaken so that I could move forward and apply the lessons that I had learned from my experience. That is why I had so many looks back into my past and the experiences that I had gone through. How else was I going to measure my growth if I did not sift through what went right, wrong, and what was merely a repeat of another lesson that failed to take?
When I think of how much both Nebraska and Princess meant to me and our current lack of communication, I am not surprised. This is how it has been throughout the entirety of my conscious life. Whether or not I am missed or held in any kind of regard, the consequence is always the same… they go their way and I… I live by the river.
I wanted more
Than life could ever grant me
Bored by the chore
Of saving face
Today is the greatest
Day I've never known
Can't wait for tomorrow
I might not have that long
I'll tear my heart out
Before I get out
Pink ribbon scars
That never forget
I tried so hard
To cleanse these regrets
My angel wings
Were bruised and restrained
My belly stings
As much as I use music for my inspiration, I don’t often strip-mine lyrics to convey a thought, as all art is interpreted by the observer, and for some, my music choices may some even more confused with me than they may already be. But this much is clear… I understand why things the way they are in my life and I don’t feel beholden to my past in any way whatsoever. There are reasons why I was unable to establish a viable relationship with Nebraska, just as there are reasons why my relationship with Princess dissolved. The reasons no longer matter, just as on the other side of the Event Horizon, the physics of Einstein seem lose their relevance.
THE COLLAPSE OF HISTORY
As I have said, since childhood I have seen people come and go in my life… nothing tragic mind you, just the way things happened for me. I still remember my first childhood friends, Jerome, Lorenzo (and his little brother Tony), as well as my comic book reading and RPG-playing jr. high school buddies, Dan, James and my Yalie friend. Considering that Dan and the Yalie went to the same junior high school together, I would have thought that there would be a stronger connection between us than the skimmed relationship of being “Facebook friends” that I have with Yalie. My Army buddy, the SFC, the person who I would have gladly given my life for, even after our reuniting, does not keep up with me. And so it goes, and so it goes, as it does with all things in my past. As with all things from my past that I feel merit mentioning only because I have learned from and successfully moved past the situation.
Throughout my life I have tried to make relationships a priority in my life, not only while I am directly involved with them but also with the various connections that I have made with friends and associates I have met in my journey… and no matter my efforts, the result has always been the same. And whenever I thought of mentioning of Nebraska and Princess in my mind lately, I felt a vector opening up and the memory hole swallowing them up. It is, was, and will be the Event Horizon and what happens on the other side of it will likely not include either of them. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Memory_hole
No, it is not sad that despite my best efforts that I have no long-standing friends… and yes, I will do what I can to maintain the relationships that I have now. That is why along with my graduation trips to Carolina, I have a couple of trips to northern Indiana/Chicagoland in my immediate future. Those events, along with my own subsequent matriculation and return to wage-earner status, are signature moments that I have held dear, and only now is it time to speak of the things that I look forward to.
The notion that the problems that we face individually are unique and that there is no one who can understand or comprehend what “we” are going through, is in a word, laughable. What turns our problems into the all-consuming viruses that infect our thinking is our ego and selfishness. I think back to Mookie Dee and her constant complaints about her place of employment, then how molasses-like was her reaction to being downsized. She withdrew, and her self-interest would put an end to her participation in our relationship. And I am recalling my diagnosis of our past relationship because it was again a familiar theme in the relationship issues that were primarily the fail between both Nebraska and Princess.
There is nothing like self-interest… that is a lever that moves most people and apparently, it was not in either of their self-interest to remain in an intimate relationship with me. But what has made being detached from their lives a positive for me is that the corollary is just as true. My self-interest is best served if the relationship does not serve well in my life. This has always been the salve with which I used to apply to the the wounds inflicted by heartbreak and/or rejection.
Gone from my life is all the anguish of being an observer to a preventable car crash. I don’t have to listen to reductive reasoning to which there is an obvious and less complex process to arrive at a conclusion. I don’t have to build a case for my opinion or my understanding of an issue that may arise from any of the situations that life has to offer.
Because really, when you are dealing with problems that have solutions...