HERE IS WHERE MY MOST RECENT ONE CAME FROM
Back in 1996 or thereabouts I read the review for their first American release, the eponymously-named, Atari Teenage Riot. The whole idea of the digital hardcore music scene came out of this one group, and like another socially active group, Public Enemy, most of the Digital Hardcore sound from Berlin had more behind their lyrics than most other electronica bands. As the video shows, ATR is not afraid to put controversy right in your face and blast their message into your subconscious.
The lyric, “where did you get your delusion from?” fairly leaped out at me. It took me back to one of the earliest delusions that I heard as a teenager, an adult in the still-viable but fading Motor, disagreed with my quoting of a census count of the percentage African-Americans in the country. Rather than go over the details of the story, you can see, dear reader, why “the conspiracy of numbers” matter more to me than the hearsay and “sensing of the common” that many people rely on. Certainly Mark Twain had a point when he said that there are “three kinds of lies” and placed “statistics” among them. But numbers actually don’t lie... PEOPLE do, and so there is that with that. Fitting the song’s pathos with ways the one lives in the deceit of their own unawareness similarly fit among the legion of emotions that have been coursing through me this past month.
It has been so pervasive recently that at times endured moments that reflected on the countless sleepless nights that I experienced in ‘the provincial town that I once jogged ‘round”. Right now I have suspended the ban that I had on soda pop, leaving the apartment without making my bed, and waking up early (though as for that, for one to be awake at 7am with nowhere to go or a reason to be awake, is that really saying that I am ‘sleeping in’?). Part of what keeps me awake at night and has me dragging through the day is the weight of my burdens. For instance, between my falls and various incidents related directly to my condition, having both Nebraska and Princess contact me turned the steady flow of my life’s complexities into a torrent.
Everyone has what I call “complexities” going on in their lives; how they deal with them makes the difference between being easy-going and steady, to a neurotic drama queen. In achieving my goals of finding the path where the road is straight and true, I absolutely believe that if whatever you are facing has a solution, then you have no problems. Period. If you have a process that you do not believe in, develop a methodology that you do believe in and let that work. Admittedly, doing this is not for the faint of heart or the troubled of mind, but it is something that I think must be done if one is to move past whatever is holding them back.
My starter Wife and Mookie Dee were two people who definitely could not maintain the ability to separate their priorities from their anxieties. You can’t live your life if you are still living through the various hurts and pains of your perception. This is part of why I think my Omaha relationships went the way that they did. I was able to find and confirm that whatever went on that was generated prior to my arrival here STILL were directly impacting their current relationships with me. This is not to say that I am placing fault with anyone... it could be that this was due more to my not only aggravating old wounds but by my own aura. That is what it is like when you are not the one that she is... and I can live with that.
It is not like there is not room for either one of them in my heart because I do not think their texting would have agitated (or should I have said ‘aggravated’ as in ‘their text’s aggravated old wounds’) me the way that hearing from the both of did. But prior to my diagnosis, it would have been to laugh, as I would have skipped merrily on my way to where I’m determined to go.
SO HOW DID I END UP ATTACHED TO THIS PERSON..? WHEN THEIR SENSE OF HUMOUR GETS GRADUALLY WORSER.??
My ethos is about moving forward. Even had I not made the observations that I did of what I term as “failed states relationships” and how they metastasized into inoperable tumors growing up, the momentum of my life would carry me the way out and through. In my mind (or delusion... they are really one in the same, dontcha know!) it has been the inability to merge realities with another, a person's inability to accept what they know and understand that there is a difference between that what they don’t, and find the elusive middle ground between the two.
Delusions come in a wide variety of forms... or maybe they are induced by different phenomenon, which is why so many who suffer from them are egoists in one way or another. Their self-absorption is rampant, and this limits how much they can see or understand of the things around them and why their sense of importance is outsized in relation to the actuality they exist within. What happens to them means more not only to them, but should considered of great concern to those who are aware of this person’s travails.
I have had to apologize for the trespasses that I have committed in my life. In fact, I even sought atonement through a type of penance for all of the “relationships sins” that were not accounted for by my apology, as a way to balance the scales of love. So now I can be even more like Coach Singletary and just as unapologetic for the things that happen.
Being unapologetic is not the same as being irresponsible. Another thing about being an introvert is that the responsibility for my own personal happiness begins and ends with me. And this means that without being “value added”, there is no motivation for a relationship to move beyond the superficial.
I have been told that I am unable to move past things and that I hold onto “stuff” for far too long. My disagreement is not because of selfishness or myopia, but because whenever you find small flaws in the basic and fundamental, you are BOUND to find larger, and perhaps “fatal” flaws in a relationship. This is something else that I observed while on the margins in adolescence. It seems that some females encourage the negative behaviour in males IN SPITE OF the advancement of their own self-interest or welfare.
THE HIDDEN IN THE OBVIOUS
So tell me... what don’t you get about me? You don’t get why I am not a lapdog, tongue out and tail wagging, waiting for you to throw the ball or to leash me so you can take me for a walk?? I don’t see HOW you could misconstrue … wait, didn’t I share a Jada Pinkett-Smith quote about the truth to what people perceive and what a subject actually is?? While the difference between Princess and myself was understandable, the context of the issues between me and Nebraska was more subjective.
In my first year here, whenever I would ask her for clarity regarding our relationship, she would try to dodge the point. One of her rebuttals, “I would think that you had more important things to worry about”, after all, SHE felt that SHE DID. And in the JPS quote, the allusion to misunderstanding between people all-too often falls to one or both parties feeling the other is not who that they are supposed to be, who they are THOUGHT to have been. What was important to me was NOT important to her, and that is okay. But not to be able to acknowledge how important something is to a person that you want to be close to... well, that can’t happen. You CAN’T make unilateral decisions in a relationship when the consequence will be shared by both in the relationship.
Leaving Mookie Dee, it was STRESSED that I wanted to be left to myself. I had very valid reasons, but between journal readers encouragement and my eventual relocation to Omaha and its (for me) more accommodating social environment, I did walk back from isolating myself from people. That decision, for the most part, has been confirmed by my experiences here socially, save for the ONE RELATIONSHIP where I had designs on finding nearly all the things about Omaha that I like within.
In my open letter to her, I mentioned that she was attached to the feelings that brought me down and made me sad. After the first Wisconsin-Nebraska game, I began to fully withdraw from the things that were unlikely to happen and set my course for the things that I could determine, and thus set my sails. Now, for anyone reading this journal for any length of time, how many times have I said that when someone either indicates verbally (Mookie Dee and Princess) or by action, (starter Wife and Nebraska) that I will gnash my teeth and rend my heart and soul in anguish but that I WON’T bother the person who gave me my papers and said (or behaved like I) that I should take a walk. My harshness for women who have their sour experiences and become aloof in relationship is that I wonder how often they chased after someone either said things or did things that would indicate that they were not the one? And how often have I indicated that when it was time to leave, that leaving was what I did, and whether it was voluntary or suggested, I got the hell out before things got bad(and that was in short order compared to this sentence..!). Why should I wait for Mookie Dee to fetch her brothers for me to make short order of? Why wait for my starter Wife to send me to the hospital with a critical wound??
,,, or why wait for Nebraska to come around when for a calendar year she could not find her way to doing just that? See, I understand that she has things that are serious for her to deal with, but I reject the notion that she could not have let me into her circle and be there for her. She wanted to deal alone... okay. Don’t ask if you can be a part of my “whatever”, not out of a reaction but because I have made it KNOWN that I believe that the people who say that they would be there, are almost always NEVER THERE when I need them, including her. *sigh*
THAT IS WHY YOU CAN’T WIN WITH THEM
Because they are more concerned with themselves than they are with the relationship. Period. Princess is/was one of these people you can’t win with too, so she can’t get some of this. The majority of this is for Nebraska, because she had over a decade to either have a room in her mind prepared or not, and certainly when I started to mail my things to her from the Motor. It was inexcusable for her to have an outline not only of our relationship, but of what would be important to me without her considering how I envisioned our relationship or thought would matter to me.
Moving here to Omaha was not about “fishing” but it was about happiness. Ultimately, finding bliss and being able to rightfully pursue the things that bring me happiness, fairly and on even a board as possible to compete upon, that is what I sought, and that is why when I was a little boy I paid special attention to Johnny Rodgers and the Cornhuskers...
what I seek is through Omaha if not “here” and I get to chase after it.
With that, I conclude this very challenging series of journal entries to write, and I am looking forward to the next stage of development, as the “concept” heads into “production”.
Love and Rockets!Mark