MORE THINGS TO JUSTIFY THE DELUSION

TACTICAL

Eh, I guess I will get to that soon.  For the rest of the month I have “suspended” some of the rules and policies that I have held myself to since my arrival in “the big O”.  Just as Detroit will always be ‘the Motor” to me, Omaha is going to “the big O”, and yes ‘braska, if you are reading this, it is a nod to you and the remnants of “whatever” that exists between us.

...speaking of which... of course I ran into her daughters Bee and Cee at the grocery store!!  It is amazing to see how much they have grown!!  Bee is driving and little Cee is SO not little anymore.  I gave them both hugs and good wishes as we went our separate ways.  It left me with a little bit of melancholy, because it did, and I gathered my things and mounted London and made my way home.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=F1U7SD4KFeg

Here is another song that accurately represents my state at any given time here in Omaha.  I was looking for “Train Song” by Vashti Bunyan when I clicked on this fan made (I think) video.  It intrigued me to see the snapshot in the list of videos, and I wondered how the song was interpreted.  What I did not expect was a children’s song that was so very moving.

I HEAR THE TRAIN... ECHO THROUGH THE HOLLOW...

Other than former U of M Wolverine Christopher Van Allsburg, there hasn’t been a child media creator (what, you count Steph Myers (Twilight series) as a ‘youth author’?  And while JK Rowling (Harry Potter) qualifies as a youth author, her writing is so evolved that it raises the bar for writing to ‘tweens’ as hers is of a different art form when compared to Myers) that has held my attention for more than a minute.  I had never heard of Charlie Hope and I can’t fathom what had me listen and watch this video.

This song, obviously aimed at the pre- and 5-K set, I recognized it as a song that dealt with the universal adult longing for their place in the world.  I think that gives it a melancholy that allows it to reach a mature listener.  But it also has more than enough youthful optimism that whatever is happening that when the train comes and takes them away that they are going to a good place, not just that “anywhere would have been better”.

I have heard the train echoing in the distance of my life... and I have heard the train getting closer as well.  That is crucial to my decision to live alone.  Maybe I have taken for granted that there will be other trains coming by, taking me away to my destination but I am no longer willing to chance it.

In my late 20’s - early thirties, finding myself becoming a part of the very situations that I had always hoped to avoid, I made a promise to myself to take the necessary steps to avoid becoming THAT PERSON, to do all that I could do to make the change and to reimagine myself as the person that I wanted to be.  This song would have been on that playlist in my mental cassette deck (no I-Pods or MP3 back then!!) as I ran doing my roadwork in the wee hours of the morning.

I still have not been around to comment on too many blogs... I am WAY behind on the Mrs./Miss, but I did steal a few glances at some of her pictures of the Metro, making me homesick!  I would love to ride out to Rochester and Utica NOW, relatively unafraid of the repercussions faced by being a solo African-American nerdling on his goofy-looking bicycle.  But with some of the personal issues that I have been faced with for the past 6 weeks, I hope that I am getting cut some slack for not coming around.

BECAUSE WHAT MATTERS TO ME

Since I have a strong acquaintance with being on the outside of social expectations and norms, it does bother me more when I don’t get around to other’s blogs than it does to blog myself.  Blogging is my main therapy but being a commenter is also a form of therapy for me.  Being regular, making comments or advising someone about whatever situation that they are writing about, that is more for my own character check. It means more to me to be a friend than it is to have or make friends.  And I think that is part of why people are drawn to me.

While I have no real desire or want to speak about my “Omaha love life”, but my one personal needs have me do so.  And if she happens to read this, I want Nebraska to know that I am going to apologies for my references to her in these series of entries, because I know that it bothers her and that she does not agree with my observations.  But then, she could have changed how she is profiled here by changing how she handled our relationship IRL.  As I did not begin to journal in order to slam Mookie Dee, this is not about making her to be like this or that (because after all, this and that is not related!) as much as I am clearing the detritus and leavings that are clogging the gears and inner workings of my mind.

I am still trying to find reasons to keep her as an active part of my life.  Seeing her girls were almost a validation of this policy initiative.  She was an active part of my life when I was out of her mind... and it seems somewhat beyond irony that we cannot seem to develop a relationship IRL.  But between the similarities and difference between our and the relationship I had with Princess cause me to shake my head and issue yet ANOTHER waiver, because up to this point in my life, this has been a rule that had been inviolate.

First, let’s return to the early days between me and Princess.  We were all having dinner, me and her three boys when the topic of cooking, desserts in particular.  I had mentioned that I like a dessert, Brown Apple Betty, and both she and her oldest said that they make a very good one.  But they also gave each other a crossways look, and I noted it.  The conversation moved on to other things.

In the same way that I can’t say that I don’t drink alcohol but I am not a drinker, the same can be said of my relationship with soda pop.  This month I have given myself license to have a soda when I feel moved.  But once August arrives, I will again go on a personal soda prohibition.  The drink of choice that replaced soda in my life, Kool-Aid (oh yeah!), again raised the eyebrows of the two of them when it was noted that I , too, drink Kool-Aid.

As the “we knew the environment” maxim was governing our relationship, when I had the chance to speak with Princess alone, I asked about her Craftsman® Tool set.  After she spoke on it, I told her that my Dad had Craftsman® tools, along with the big cabinet.  Of course, she was confused and did not know where I was going with this.  I then went back to the dinner conversation, as the dessert and beverage discussion was a commentary on a similarity that I had with her ex-husband and the younger boys father.

“You do know”, I began, “that other people shop at Sears”, a line that I myself borrowed from a Robin Harris comedy routine.  The thing about Sears is that is where “America Shops”.  “My liking a little Apple Brown Betty and drinking a little Kool-Aid is not a sign that I am like your ex-husband,” I explained.  “I believe that unfavorable comparison to a previous bad relationship, especially when it is over something as general as that, is a bad omen for the future of your current one.”  Do you understand, dear reader, why that relationship comes with the caveat inspired by the Bob Davie quote?  I was aware of what I was wading into, and that is that with that.

TRANSGRESSION OF THE RULE

“If the rule  you used brought you to this, of what use was the rule?”  -Anton Chigurh, “No Country For Old Men”

My rules are my laws.  Not adherence to my personal policy, I can amend that.  Policy is flexible by its nature, just as rules are inflexible.  Violation of policy can be mitigated, which is why I have put up with certain things from people in my day-to-day operation.  But rule violations?  Hey, the decision process is out of my hands.  And whether she knows it or not (and who are we kidding... in most floundering relationship, the rule-breaker is either unaware of the rule , or that they don’t care... either way, there is only one choice to make when dealing with such a predicament, IMO), she violated several major rules, any of which individually merited a degradation of “favored nation” status, along with closing of channels of diplomacy.

Now I guess it could be said that I could have taken the time to make her aware at how troubled her comments or professed beliefs were to me, but ask yourself this... didn’t that cheating partner know better to sleep with your cousin?  Get drunk and total your car when you had that job interview to go to??  So again, why do I need to tell you that you did something so grievous to me that I am willing to close your account with me and move the hell on?  What part of “mean people suck” remained beyond understanding?  And in contrast to being something that is available for everyone to sample, “I am from downtown, I am from Mitch and Murray, and all of you’ve got just one week...”

SEE, I AM NOT F*CKING WITH YOU

In general, I do not f*ck around.  Owing to my policy on “mean people”, who often are synonymous with “stupid”, I don’t feel obliged to tell you not to f*ck with me other wise I may try to end you.  If she did not pick that up in all the emails and IM’s throughout the years, when that kid almost ran into us in Chicago, she definitely had the image to how I deal with people who are f*cking with me.

Was he malicious?  Was he being aggressive??  One thing is for sure, he was in my personal space because I could reach him.  If he wasn’t, then he’d have continued along with his friend accosted.  And because I am in my “journal”, I can say this out loud... do not f*ck with me.

I have a real thing against being upset.  I have a policy about being an instigator. This is something that Ken in his visits to Omaha.  If you pop up on my radar, I won’t make any offensive moves, nor will I get into your space, save for things that are common to all (say like a football game on the telly or loud conversation at a bar).  I don’t antagonize people, but I am the a**-kicking that is waiting to happen to you if you are that big of an a**hole to me.

(no really, don’t go down there man..!)

Just because I like you, doesn’t mean that you get to make claim on any reason WHY I like you.  I have not seen her around anymore, but Betty to a liking to me in spite of my agnosticism, and I care about her even though philosophically I openly wonder about the notion of a higher power.  And the reason that I think that, as well as other mix-matched relationships flourish in my life is that, I AM WHO I SAY I AM... not who you THINK that I say I am, but the one that I say I am.  That being said...

The major surprise between Nebraska and me is that if I am operating under the delusion that it has been the one’s closest to me who have f*cked me over the most, then what I felt should have been first on her “relationship with Mark” to do list is not to f*ck with me.  I never got the clarity I had always hoped she would be able to provide me and our relationship, so I put her in a catch-all category of “off on her own sh*t”, and was like, “that’s is that with that”.

Is this delusion of mine, that I am possibly fated to be left confused in intimate relationships (do I really even know WHY women are attracted to me?  I know more about walking around in a fictional dungeon on graph paper than I really know about that!!) an unavoidable fate or is it a creation of a warped imagination??  What I do know is, “Who the f*ck cares!!”  In the end, both relationships were good for me... after all, sometimes when you start something new and you think optimistically about where you are going and how this relationship is going to be THE ONE that you have wanted... but unfortunately, it doesn’t work with only one person knowing what they want as well as what they have when they have it.

Life is a lot of things... but one thing that it isn’t is a charity.  It does not give you something for nothing.