It has been a chippy summer for a brother. It has tasked me emotionally, intellectually as well as physically, and spiritually. While saying “in recent memory” is totally relative to the speaker, even if whole, it would be difficult for me to have had a more challenging past three months. The primary challenge, getting my transcripts transferred by the DPS did not happen, and I won’t be attending school this term. BUT all is not lost!! I will likely study and test for my trainer’s certification and take that while I am waiting for winter term.
I had to purchase a new computer. It is a Gateway NE522 with Windows 8 and it looks really nice. Likely, I will find some website to help me with learning my way around before I foul something up! Also I bought two smaller rugs instead of a large area rug and I think that my apartment looks better this way. Finally, I discovered that Hy-Vee has flowers and I think that I will be getting a vase and putting it on the entertainment thingy I have will really be neat!
Now with things being as challenging as they have been this summer, the trending of where I left off still was the most peculiar and enigmatic of them all. In fact, it still lingers in my thoughts as the ideas they brought with them slowly bleeds away. Princess, it seems, was a “one-off”, some urge that drove her to send a text. Nebraska, on the other hand, I feel was a sincere attempt at outreach. But I feel that she lacks the conviction in the follow-through, as we have had previous discussions over what could be done to mend our relationship. I don’t know what my relevance is to her, as she has a love interest, and is able to prioritize her life as she sees fit, without my mucking up anything for her.
Finally, I was trying to cipher the differences between how I perceive Nebraska and Princess and why one has more in their account than the other. But it is more of a question of degrees, really. After all, no matter which circle you occupy, you still have to ascend through purgatory, and that is a task in and of itself. Still...
WE KNEW THE ENVIRONMENT
The way that our relationship began, with a ton of mutual attraction and affection, was not that surprising as most of my best relationships have begun that way. It still is a shock when someone looks at me and says that they see someone who is “hot”, or to have a person act appreciative of how I look to them, but it no longer catches me completely off-guard. Princess was no exception in this department and the feeling was mutual. But most times, with me at least, the feeling will be mutual, as I always look at someone in their best light, and I don’t think there is any better light than that of adoring eyes.
The first few months of our relationship was smooth and pretty happy. Even with our relationship starting on the heels of the end of my pursuit of Nebraska, it was not a rebound thing. Where I am not wanted is not where I like to be, so there was nothing for me to bounce back from, only the possibilities that were never a reality. But it would not be long before we had our first issue, where she decided that she wanted out.
Princess has been married twice... the first was with her eldest son’s Father, and he was Caucasian. It was her second marriage that she “crossed over” and it was with that character she saw similarities, the chief of which I clearly understood. Seems that he was on the “struggle bus” throughout their relationship and she did not want a repeat of where she was the primary wage earner to her partner. Now had she left it at that, I would have been cool and no more would have been said. But that was not what she told me when she gave me the boot the first time. Her issue then was that she feared she was making the same mistake that she made with her recent ex.
VAINGLORIOUS!! What is it with women looking at me and being reminded of their ex-husbands or boyfriends? Really, I don’t see it... not like I am that special or anything, but you aren’t going to find many cats quite like me around the way!! At any rate, she broke up with me the first time because she felt herself falling into a mistake she had already made once before. “Fair enough,” I told her at the time, “but I think you are wrong and I will be here for you when you realize it.” So, for the most part anyway, that is what I did.
Understanding that for me to have someone dump me and for me to then “wait around” until they change their minds, one must first consider under what thinking I used to arrive at that decision. “Imperial Thinking” is what I have used from when I was but a wee lad through the present moment to make decisions that on the surface are clear, but just beneath lies the ambiguity of the nexus of thought. It is where A = non-A, and where the cat both lives AND dies inside of the box. It is when the time for logic and judgement to earn their value and a DECISION needs to be made, and the weight of full responsibility would fall onto my shoulders alone.
As a system it is not perfect. I have made some “less-than-good” choices but as a result of this doctrine, I never have left anything at anyone else's door, and my back is bent from the weight of the consequences of my actions. Not even the reason for my crappy starter marriage is left anywhere but at my feet, and that was because as sovereign, I made the choice... and just as I made other choices before and since, I was going to accept full responsibility for choosing to remain “open” to someone who had let me go. While it could be observed that our relationship had ran its course, it could JUST AS EASILY been seen otherwise. And so, it was done. I kept on going to school and plugging away.
Nebraska and I would have at least two encounters during this period... but nothing changed between us. Had she been inclined to talk about being more than the “friends-in-passing” that we were at the time, we certainly could have been more, but she did not. And yes, I just as easily could have taken the lead, but I did not feel that I should have. I had already invested as much as I dared emotionally in our relationship... and that is the major difference in my mind... Princess was always a low investment-high yield kind-of-thing, whereas my relationship with Nebraska had become one of diminishing returns against expectations that were increasing under “inflationary rates” all the while.
Eventually, Princess would come back around. It would be just before KT came for the summer and we’d enjoy each other’s company until March of this year. Out of nowhere, at least for me, she put me out of her life. And though other such instances had been previously attributed to an observed “finickiness” that she has, I decided that she meant it this time... after all, she had told me TWICE...
… and I have no idea of HOW many times Nebraska has had to tell me.
With the challenges that I have had to get through, emotionally as well as physically, having the two of them text me on the same day was nearly too much for me to take. I did not see their nonchalant messages as anything other than a “violation of airspace”, since neither of them hinted at any possible conversations in the near future. That is why I used what for me, was profanity in a recent entry. Nebraska saw that and said that I would not have been able to curse at her in person. And she may have been correct. I am not prone to swearing and who knows what will be said should we ever sit down to talk with each other again?