Saturday, April 27, 2013

SPRING CLEANING


TACTICAL

Not much.  I mean, I could use some help figuring out my Algebra, but other than that... just the usual stuff that occurs to a cat when they have been diagnosed with CTBI or whatever...  I could stir up and compose a more dramatic “what’s what” but that would defeat the overarching purpose of my moving to and being here in Omaha.  So let the curtain now rise and the show begin...

MOVING DAY

Of the primary things I have stressed about my character is my attitude toward someone who has either by actions or verbal expression, let me know that I am not the one.  It is because I have watched people abandon their better judgement in pursuit of a person who has indicated that they want nothing more to do with them in a relationship, and find themselves having their heart trampled by said person, that influences how I deal with similar occurrences in my personal relationships..  That was the situation I seemed to have been in with Mookie Dee.  She could assume that I felt one way towards her and held out relationship in a certain regard, meanwhile, she carried on “as expected”..

I maintain that relationship was an exception for me.  Not that I did not feel her passion ebb out of what we had, but I was trying to shake off the karma I had build up being somewhat callous and a scoundrel during the glory years of “the run ‘n shoot”.  And if I did not square my account completely, I feel as though I put enough of a good faith effort into adopting a new approach to handling women, that my ledger that was far more closer to being balanced than it was prior to my “Ex-List fail.

After coming to Omaha, one of the things I first amended to my approach to being here was to be more open and receptive to people.  For me to have arrived here and not make any personal connections beyond the superficial would have been second nature.  But Omaha seems to have other designs for me, as I feel like I am being assimilated by a larger collective here, and my resistance would contradict my reaching future goals.

Whether or not I am introverted, one thing has always remained CRYSTAL clear after my diagnosis... I will need to find people to help me with my life.  Historically, I have done well with my interactions with all kinds of institutions, the reality is that I am disabled and the last 12-to-15 months has been a steady reminder of that fact.  So when people have reached out to me, I have been inclined to reach back to them... I haven’t quite gotten to the point where I am willing to initiate anything, especially with any hopes of being close, but I do participate socially when the opportunity presents itself.

A couple of weekends ago I went to my supervisor’s birthday celebration.  It was a gathering of people who worked for the parent company and I was among several from the fitness club who were there and I posted a photo on my Face Book page.  I know that I need to integrate myself into the social fabric of my home whenever possible, and I am taking every advantage to be social that I get.

One of her neighbor’s, a New York city expat took a shine to me.  I had to do a “note to self” because I certainly missed the memo that took the barrier’s off of the whole interracial thing!
Not that I am not progressive or anything, but it really has felt like white women here in Omaha have a new symbol of empowerment and being willing to find them a cat with some melanin in their complexion is a primary symbol of it!  Regardless, the cultural difference in social mores doesn’t only apply to race, but it seems that it is one of economics as well.  I have not seen or heard too much snobbery since I have been here and that is very positive to me.  Does it exist?  Again,I have no doubt that it does but it is not something that I feel is ingrained to where it creates a division among the different neighborhoods and keeps the civic belligerence levels down.  Anywho, while my inner “offensive co-ordinator” was shouting through the headsets for me to run more plays that “attacked vertically”, and I had drank several beers, I maintained bearing and hopped peacefully on Scarlett Rose and pedaled home.

GO AHEAD, LONDON
We have a new bike... a Trek mountain bike that I have named London.  She is white with red trim color, and I will keep Scarlet Rose as my “daily driver” with London being my “Saturday bike”.  Also, she will serve as my training bike on the trails in the metro area.  I will take a picture in May of how we look together!

I guess I am a bit of a bike snob, but not too much of one to diss a bike that “does its job”.  That is the reason I am keeping Scarlett Rose and not giving her away.  I can let her be my “beater” and get a better run out of London, as well as Madison, my Trek road bike.

THE THINGS THAT I CONTROL

What went down with Princess and me has been kicking around in my thoughts... but I am not reflecting on things quite like how you would think, not upon reading that statement at first glance.  No, I don’t have an adequate explanation as to “why” she decided to get rid of me, but I do have to give her props on her “how”.  Direct, to the point, and very clearly stated, she simply wants to go in a new direction, unencumbered by the weight of a relationship.  Of course, being human and having feelings, I had to think was it “me or her” as to why this rift was widening, as it appeared to me to be coming out of nowhere.  Then, I was left to think about her life and all the room and space she had for “other things”.  But these were like fireflies in the late June evenings to the major thoughts of the heavens of my mind, and they held as much significance as those aforementioned fireflies does to the stars of the night sky.  Much like I did with Mookie Dee, I was fine with confirming that I “was who I thought I was” throughout the relationship.  And that was that with that.

I have not been shaken by this development as their was an always understood risk in our relationship.  My participation was seen as a “low risk, high reward” investment of time and capital on my end, so despite the abruptness to “the end of our hostilities”, I can still be proud of my conduct and how I handled myself throughout.  This is where I begin to wonder if I am callous and unfeeling, because I feel, no, I AM SURE that I am over it and the scarring that was left from the break down of our relationship is of no significance to me.

So that is that with that... yeah, we still “Facebook” with one another, but for anything more than that to take place between us...

Next issue: Me, Rita Hayworth, and what does it really mean to be MTXE qualified..?

3 comments:

FrankandMary said...

At least you don't ice people out. ..& all people have that part of self that they keep back.

Is there help at school available for the algebra?

I'd probably be a little bit of a bike snob if biking was my main mode of transportation. ~Mary

Beth said...

Once again, your words confirm that your move to Omaha was right for you. Very positive vibe. I applaud you for working to be more sociable. I know as well as anyone how hard that can be! L&R!

Ken Riches said...

Resistance is futile! Keep getting out and about.