Though they are quite rude, this is not about them..! (but one day... one day... there will be one..!)
Again, I would not expect the kinds of techniques that I use to handle my depression to work for anyone other than me. Not only that, other than professional help (more on that another day), I would not have any other advice for a person for whom their depression is clinical. That said, let’s get on with it, shall we?
ONLY A FOOL HAS NO FEAR... AND I AM NO FOOL
Sitting around in my apartment listlessly watching State lose to the Buckeyes, I thought about what I was going to do for the rest of my day off. I woke up “late” at 0730 hrs., and could not get into Weekend Edition on WUOM. I have only two weeks before I start back to school and that is a good thing, filling my stomach with anxious butterflies and not “anxiety moths”! Anywho, for the thousandth time, I am aiming for getting my six-pack ready for the spring and summer, working out at the health club where I work as well as at Anytime Fitness in the Old Market. Normally after I get off work I go a couple of blocks over to take the bus out to La Vista to hang out with Princess and her boys but with relations between us being strained at the present time, I have not been out to La Vista for the past three weeks. So I worked out pretty well and I think I was dragging Sunday from recovery.
Aimlessly wandering the internet, wondering where all the bloggers have gone and passing over the numerous “feeds” in my dashboard, I stumbled upon this blog entry in the Thought Catalog and my flagging limbs felt a spark. After reading it, I gathered my things and headed downhill to the gym and got a very good workout on! The cool thing about having did my “back-to-back” for the week is that I get a guilt-free Monday off! I prolly will do a little runnning, either the stairs in my apartment building or the track at work... perhaps BOTH!! Anywho, facing down the shadows in my mind and overcoming them is always a victory worth noting.
Thinking back upon my decision to try and see if I could find love with a past partner, including Nebraska on that list even as she would remind me that “we were never boyfriend and girlfriend”, reading the entry in the Thought Catalog again confirmed the overarching reason WHY the changes that I made both in my environment and within me were not only necessary but based on a sound philosophy. Many of the same things that the writer spoke about regarding the kinds of change that a person needs if they are FEELING a certain way have been echoed many, many times in this blog, and in others. BUT, the one difference in the majority of those blogs and mine is that many of them cannot share the story of what it is like to make a complete sea change as the one that this one can claim. Particularly, if that is indeed what the author of said blog INTENDED to do.
I am still feeling a little proud of myself and it is not because I am where I said I was going to be, essentially doing what I said that I wanted to do. The reason that I am feeling proud of myself as of this writing, is that I am GENUINELY nice guy! As I rode up Leavenworth heading west on my way home Sunday night, I passed the Downtown police station. A young officer was exiting his civilian vehicle, presumably going in to start his shift. Passing by, I said, “ Good evening and be careful out there”, as it goes with the appreciation for someone who has sworn to put his life on the line for the welfare of others. He said, “Thank you sir, and you be careful too”, and went into the precinct house. A mile or so further on my way, I passed a “Jenny”, to whom I could not help but also offer another, “be careful out there,” to. She also replied, “Thanks”, adding “I will” to her gratitude for stranger who wanted her to be able to see the next morning and many more afterwards.
NUMBER 12 (OR YOU COULD SAY IT’S ABOUT LIFE’S PURSUIT)
12. You find yourself complaining about the same things you were a year ago.
When I lived with Mookie Dee, one of the many things that I found tiresome was her complaints about her job. That was first and foremost on her list of “same things” that seemed were from high school (which, for those who don’t know, she should have really been better in, if she REALLY wanted something different in her life!!) and was another confirmation of “Y” an “X” should remain an “X”.
For quite a few people, “bitchin’ about some sale that they shot”, is their idea of constructive therapy. And while it can be constructive, it quickly deteriorates and becomes an excuse for why they are stuck in whatever set of forces that conspired to make their lives miserable, as if they had nothing to do with the creation of their condition. Right.
Emerging from the office where the hearing for my disability was held was a life-altering moment. It was at once the best and worst of times for me. It was the best of times because I knew what was going on with me was FOR REAL and I knew that I would have access to help if I wanted it. It was also the worst of times, because I was still attached to the kind of person that I had hoped to avoid.
Why do I reflect on my past the way that I do? One, because I have mostly good memories of my past and they keep me company. I enjoy the pattern that I see and I look forward to creating more situations that make me and hopefully “you”, feel a little bit better. And more importantly, the peace of mind that many fail to achieve is NOT something that I concerned myself with... I have ALWAYS had that!!
I really did not have anything to say... just felt like putting down some stuff and moving on from there. Take care and be well.