The holiday season was a very good one. Spent Christmas Eve and Christmas with Princess and her boys, then for New Year’s Eve, Princess and I had a little dinner. Also, for the first time, I received a card from one of my daughter’s, KT. I am sure that she was pressed by her Mom, who sent a box of Hershey Chocolate Kisses, sealed in red and silver wrappers to match the season.
I have never copped to giving my girls a raw deal by bailing on them. Had this been a one-time occurrence, I think it would have been easier to understand… “Starter Wife and me divorced and went our separate ways… her animosity worked to tear a riff between me and our daughter…” and that would be that. But when it comes to KT and Lexxie, hey, I KNOW that is a bit tougher to swallow, and I am more than willing to deal with whatever criticism that comes my way. A brother has broad shoulders… they are meant to carry a weight of SOME kind. While they are “unconventional” (as in it is surprising that I would have put myself in such a predicament in life) burdens, they are what they are, and they are borne with the utmost of my capacity. That said, I was very moved by the tokens, and it says more about Nixxie than it does anything else.
There has been a thaw in relations between Nebraska and I. Right now, things look promising, but things are only in the preliminary phase of establishing a discourse between us. As content that I am here in Omaha, having a friend to share my happiness would be a new thing for me as I never really had that experience in my life before. I can only go back to my junior high and high school days for examples of what it was like to have that kind of relationship with another person that was brought about through the intersection of mutual interests, level of intelligence, and confirmed by a shared ostracism from the larger social population.
Still no cable… there is a deal where for $24.99 monthly I can get the basic channels for a year. Sounds like a deal until you add it all up and I could have floated Lexxie’s plane ticket if I had the extra loot. That means a “no go” on that optional expense. Besides, it is only when I am at work where I “notice” that I don’t have cable… which says to me that I would not be able to watch “whatever” anywho!! I am going to invest in the equipment to watch stuff accessible from the internet on my television. That would be good enough for me… that and maybe a Netflix subscription. Right now, the only “luxury” item that I have is a Spotify account, and being able to listen to my music has been more than satisfying for my “mindless entertainment cravings”. Though I still get the “shakes” when I think about missing the college basketball regular season, I will force may way through it… besides, I have very serviceable “work arounds” if I just HAVE TO see a game.
Had our relationship broken differently, then I would be saying this about Nebraska, as this was one of the protocols that were a part of my conceptualization of my relocation to Omaha. But my relationship with Princess will not be one where I would be moved to “journal” about why things are wonky. A lot of that is because I talk enough about myself without having to provide any “additional details”. Those of you who can look at my Face Book page understand what I am saying..!
But the main reason is that I am once again in command of my life, independent as any person can reasonably be from “need or want”. Should we be unable to manage to continue in our mutual admiration and satisfaction with each other, then “that will be that with that”, and we will go our separate ways, with no further incident.
When I started journaling, my life was kind of random, like these thoughts!! The drama that are the lives of “other people not named Mark Johnson” had begun to overwhelm and encroach on my ability to make the decisions that were best for me and in my own self-interest. And because MY interests were linked to the interests of other parties, who did not share my vision for the future, I had to bide my time and work at being prepared for my opportunity to be clear of distraction.
Very few of us reach a point of place where they can lay claim to being “free”, with freedom being relative. I think that when you are able to actively go after your individual “life’s pursuits”, that you are as close to being “free” as it get, and if not, you are certainly on the path to attaining it. And sometimes, there is no path… only a road… and THAT is the goal.
A YES, A NO, A STRAIGHT LINE, A GOAL
“First World Problems” is a meme that makes light of the problems that, we in the industrialized west in particular, are caught up with and seem to be over-concerned with. I used that phrase often when I was younger, explaining away why, “I did not want to go back to Africa”, and why I thought that serving as the ersatz police force for the United States was worth it. Two phrases that I repeat here more often and are synonymous, “why ponder life’s complexities” and “the ceaseless spinnings of men” speaks to an arrogance that could only exist in the materialistic and ego-centric lives of the people living in the wealthy countries of the world.
Part of my frustrations with having to put up with “the spinnings” of those with which my life may have become entangled with is how they manage their issues and/or their prioritization of said issues. With my categorization of nearly EVERYTHING as a “First World Problem”, I do not suffer the airing of grievances for the sole purpose of speaking them into the world. If there is no action to be taken on them, then happens in life is increasing the incidence of what it is that is problematic in life. How many times has a friend or acquaintance spoke about an inconsiderate lover, supervisor at work, or their woeful relations within their family, only to have something happen that reaffirms with a vengeance their complaint? Not only that, the speaker then will contribute to their cycle of angst by their perpetuating whatever the situation needs to be flammable?? Vainglorious!!
I GOT SO MUCH TROUBLE ON MY MIND…
I have more on my mind but this seems like a good place to end. Hope everyone had a great holiday and I am pulling for the Irish to restore order to the college football landscape on Monday night!!