I have always been somewhat of a thinker. One of my earliest memories of “what I wanted to be” is that of being an entomologist. That would blend nicely with another early dream of mind which was to study psychology. Along with my interest in reading for the sake of reading... or maybe it was loving new words, it is understandable why I have been called “deep” at times. It never seems to me that I am delving beyond what is necessary when discussing a certain topic as much as there are things in the “ultraviolet radiation background” to the word being used and the intelligence of the person saying them.
A lot of times when I say that I “feel” things it is not because I am relying on “warm fuzzies” to reach a conclusion. Most of the time, what I feel is based on confirmation of theories and drawn on data that I have encountered in my travels. For me to account for “the why” of something often meant that I was trying to convince the unwashed of something that I saw through reputable sourcing.
For instance, my decision to “go it alone” with my condition is such a matter It is not a choice I made solely because I am introverted but part of a personal and complex system that I don’t know if I ever could explain at any time of my life. Suffice it to say, I empathize “the road” over the destination in life and I do think that it is my role to offer travelers reinforcement on their paths, and in doing that, I am being directed to where I am meant to be. As far as my own welfare is concerned, I like the forlorn voice of Joe Strummer singing, “... London is drowning and I... I live by the river...” in the classic song, London Calling by the only band that matters, the Clash. If I am indeed “a lucky cat”, I have to believe that I am near the end of the numbers of lives that I have left. So I did not want to waste another one trying to be in a relationship with someone who does not share in team concepts. Those people are always making things about them, constructing a narrative that places their needs above the needs of the relationship, and bringing/letting me down. Being lucky is no good if you are determined waste it all on … on what, exactly?
The kind of advice that I have given others is the kind of that I decided to apply to myself. My stint in “the provincial town...” was my fulfilling the path that I had foreseen for me after I broke my own heart over Tee Jay.
I have used the phrase “what I think is what I know” for ages and I see no reason to stop. Most of the time when I feel confronted by a person who thinks of my “logic” as overwrought emotions masked by flimsy reasoning, I make an assessment of their opinion according to those “feelings” and the character of whomever I am dealing with. I have a patois of my own as longtime readers can attest to. That is why if I am not “clear” that I am not bothered by it. I am the only one who needs to understand WTF I am saying and more importantly, what I am THINKING.
Predating my current “Formula For Happiness”, the letters MTXE was my driving philosophy. Coined by Gene Smithson, former Wichita State basketball coach. Mental Toughness, eXtra Effort is what the letters stood for and his best teams definitely played with a chip on their shoulders.
Having lived a life where I had to deal with the inconveniences of the first world, I did not think that the complexities of my life ever built up to where I would gnash my teeth and rind my own flesh in apostasy. What I believe in IS what I believe in... and though I never read the book, I am committed the Power of Positive Thinking.
Maybe we are all divinely created but what has been scientifically proven is that we are a mass of self-aware chemical reactions in an sheath of skin. You can be born into existence with certain traits and attributes already installed, and I do believe that I was born to be a positive person. Which is NOT the same as being naive. I know that life can and will be difficult at times... and to that I would say nothing worth having isn’t. But I am not looking for an easy way to anything... and I have always enjoyed the process.
Since struggle must be anticipated, why is it that so many people shirk from risk? Are they afraid of success??
When I began regularly journaling I would often chide myself on my “whining” because of the situations that I was in. It was not that things were not uncomfortable, but I felt that they were not issues that rose to the level of being PMD’ed about. Your partner leaves you with their child while they are out bangin’ some other dude... you already know what to do... but I could not simply “do” what needed to be done, at least not straight away. As I composed myself and began to acquit myself in a manner that I found admirable, I also had to simultaneously develop and produce something that I called “The Nebraska Concept”, and that is why I am here in Omaha today.
My outlook on relationships for myself really has not changed far from what it was at the turn of the millennium... Tee Jay was my “last best chance” for a partner and that I would likely be chilling on my own for the remainder of my days should Nebraska and me not connect. But to address the change in policy that allowed for Princess to enter my life, I have to go back to my subjective opinion about some single women and their approach to men and relationships.
Whether it is because they are single with kids, or disappointed in relationships (which are often a by-product of one another), or a disillusioned by the prospects available to them and their own horizon, there seems to me to be a rationale that prohibits these women from being able to adequately gauge and then appropriate the amount of themselves to a cat. This lack of innate concerning become a justification for what is “cautious optimism” for them, but in real life, is anticipating disappointment. The language that is used... “I am not one of those women who...”, you could insert any of the most popular failings of men to finish that thought. But all too many times, what happens is that they have spent money, invested emotional capital, and given physical demonstrations for an underserving person. So, they develop an exterior that keeps the possible “good ones” out and seems to attract only the crap men, because THAT is what they are looking for... because those are the women that are easier for them to manipulate. And you know what? That is NOT my fault!!
Insecurity is handmaiden to uncertainty. While I like to attach my thinking to esoteric ideals, they are also grounded in the firmament of reality. So if explaining things in a simple, two dimensional sphere is the best way to present ideas to you, we are not a good match. We are not a good match if you “have” to be anything, either you are always right (and so what if you are?? should have done better in school, dontcha think?) or the one who makes the final decision on things within the relationship, I won’t be a good partner for you. I don’t care if you think men are “this, that, and the other thing”, because of your past relationships... that is like judging every woman who has an interest in cosmetology and beauty against my starter wife... WTF kind of logic is that?? For me, it is a signal to an insecurity, a lack of trust, and if person is unable to trust, then the relationship will not be sustainable. It takes courage, fearlessness, and faith to participate in a relationship, at least one with the designs of finding a life partner, and you cannot do that if you are consumed by insecurities.
Dwelling upon uncertainties... that is a big reason for my journaling. I had no idea of what I was going to do next, only where I wanted to go when I started this thing and now, I am here. The thing about dealing with the unknown is that what I believe you need to have most, faith, is often the hardest thing to maintain and to possess. That is where MTXE comes in. So much, if not all, of faith is about having mental toughness... and that will fuel the extra effort that should deliver a favorable outcome. It also takes mental toughness to look back over our mistakes, gain what we can from them and then to try again to reach where it is we want to be.
Not often do I feel compelled to take pride in myself for anything... especially since I have mostly tried and had things not work out. But I know that I am mentally tough... and you can count on me for extra effort. In my own endeavors, in my relationship life, and as your friend.