...ABOUT THE PERSON WHO CAN'T BE WITH YOU "RIGHT NOW"...

TACTICAL

I cannot adequately express how pleased that I am with my decision to move to Omaha.  As Ken said in a recent comment, “Knowing you and your positive personality, it is no surprise that one of the club clients loved helping you out.”  I also know that there would be some disagreement from some quarters about my positiveness, but I can also easily explain why that is, and I will get into that later in this entry.

Recently, Princess’ oldest son has found himself a girlfriend!  This is not the first one that he has had, but he really does not have a lot of experience with girls.  As his Mother spoke to me about her son and his lack of experience with girls, she worried that he would get not only hurt but distracted by his new interest.  Her oldest son is a SMART KID, with full ride scholarships up the wahzoo, including to his 1^st choice school, so I definitely emphasize with her and her concern.  She let me in on a “talk” about relationships and it was clumsy, but the point was made about his “love life”.  The topic was open for discussion and that if there were any questions that he should feel that he can get good advice from home.

Later, I remembered what it was like being a teenager and how things that adult did with good intentions were not always received like they were.  By chance, the oldest and I got a few minutes alone and I took them to apologize for the conversation, BUT, I emphasized how important it was that he realizes the importance of being able to have that channel of communication with his Mother.  I told him that I, too, was the oldest son of a single Mom and how she attempted to be open to me as a resource on women.  It is more than just “not making mistakes”, I said, but being able to have people you can rely on for the best advice is critical in all his relationships.  He told me that he understood and then he gave me a BIG HUG!

One of the things that I like to cultivate with people around me is one of intimacy.  I like for those around me to feel close to me and likewise, I like to feel close to them.  With Princess’ younger sons, we hug and feel close, though the douche ex-husband tried to make a stink about that.  But they all see me and their Mom being close and showing one another affection.  But for her young man to give me a big hug (which was returned, by all means!), was super flattering!!

AND WHEN YOU SAY, “IT’S GONNA HAPPEN NOW… WELL… WHEN EXACTLY DO YOU MEAN?”

The first couple of years (!!!) of my blogging career, a lot of my post were of the “reflected reflection” kind, where I would read something somewhere and apply an episode or let it roll around in my head, picking up emotional residue of mine as it does so.  That is why I long for a disclaimer for my journal, because while I may have drawn on a particular moment or interaction as a connector to what I have read, it is NOT just about the source.  That said…

A young woman who is a Face Book & IRL a friend, posted a status update that read, “That moment when you realize you’re single.”  I thought about how profound a moment that is for a person who thinks that they are “in” and was taken back to my moment, when I realized that I was truly single here in Omaha.  It made me think about the different protocols that I have that covers relationships and how that they “take the decision out of my hands” and I really don’t have any emotional connection to what happens with a relationship.  It accounts for part of the “a**hole” that comes out of me when a relationship I am in begins to break down.

I remember how it is that I “felt” a lot better than “facts” of a relationship.  In personal relations, facts are often ambiguous and vague, depending on perspective and experiences of the observer.  And while I don’t place any higher a value on my experiences than any other person, I do trust in how my experience has been verified and it is when someone has questionable tests for their experiences that I put a premium on what it is that comprises my knowledge.

The “things that I think I know” are not absolutes, but they are certainties that come close to being hard tack concepts that I have not sanded off to be precise concepts.  There are several reasons for this, but for most of the “…things…” I don’t think that precision is necessary.  After all, “…one does not bring a poem to swordfight; you cannot quote poetry to someone who is not a poet!”  I happen to think that you should come to this awareness before you realize that you are single.  Because beyond the point of “the event horizon” is not oblivion, but a feeling of numbness, as you become completely aware of how ineffective your efforts has been towards maintaining, improving or repairing your relationship with someone.  And from this point, there is no return.

I don’t hide my lack of empathy for women when it comes to relationships.  The main reason for that is that many who complain about the lack of “good men” continue to invest a great deal of their energies after a relationship is effectively over.  I mean what, a woman wants to talk about why a cat decides to go back to his wife, or why the gamer won’t get up and get a job?  Really, if a douche is a used, you don’t go fish it out of the refuse and use it again, do you?

Another reason it seems like I am harder on women beyond the belief that a lot of unnecessary heartache is self-inflicted, is that as a man, I have not been party to much of what a woman can do that leaves men embittered and against relationships, or if I have, I simply cope with what happened to me and move on.  I attribute my view on the latter, as I never have taken negative experiences too personally nor internalize them to the where they changed the “chemistry” between me as a human and man, and that of other humans and women.  So I cannot really give a balanced accounting for the behaviors of men, least ways not as detailed as I do with my observations on women.  Finally, I don’t date men.  So why would I worry about how emotionally unavailable they are?

Whatever reason that a person gives you for their inability to be with you in a relationship, I do think you should believe them and move on.  It is fine if you feel that there is some possibility that there is a prospect for a relationship, after all, focus groups and viral marketing has shown us that there is a lot that a person does not know that they want or may even need in their lives.  But once someone goes beyond telling you that they have no desire to be with you and then SHOWS YOU that they aren't hearing you, it is best to cut ties.

I don’t really care “why” a person can’t be with me “right now”.  What “now” is does not never change, in that it is always going to be “now”, whether it is a special event like a Christmas lighting ceremony or night at a tavern, you are not ever going to be able to claim that you are with that kind of person.  It is nothing about you that is being said, unless you enjoy emotional masochism.   And though it is a very personal situation, remembering that it is the other person and their problem, is what cannot be forgotten.