TACTICAL
This weekend will be spent in part ramping up for “classes”… I am
going to go to the math lab armed with my Intermediate Algebra syllabus and
prepare for my second go at the classes next term. I will similarly go over my Philosophy
syllabus and go back over the topics and notes from that class in preparation
for round two with it.
My yearly examination for my housing was as agonizing as
ever. Not that it is a real in-depth
review or anything, or that the woman conducting the interview was “anything”. For me it is more of an internal conversation
that takes place that left me a little frayed at the end of the session. And that leads me to…
…AND I NEED LOVE JUST LIKE EVERYONE ELSE DOES…
I guess. I know FOR CERTAIN
that I need to be respected. And
understood, I would hope that a person would be understanding of me and my ways
and the means that I arrive at my “ways” with.
So it appears that I have lost another reader. I have kind of sorta always wanted to
experience what it was like to “lose a reader”, you know, have someone get all
haughty and let me know that they are done with me and that internet
drama-filled fashion that I often have read in the blogs of others. It just so happened that the first time it occurred
with me, it was with someone who I admired as much as you possibly can admire a
person through a computer, and by counting them among my “friends”, I was hurt. See, people who call me “friend” and then
later reconsider I am untroubled by; it is those who I feel deserve and have,
at least to me, BEEN a friend that I mourn.
Which brings me to this most recent announcement of “I don’t like you
anymore, Mark”, and since I really have little else to ponder on, at least
until I resume my assault on “fortress Algebra” on Monday, I will take a pokeat the comment left on this post by Gleaming Fossil.
One of the things that Nixxie and I discussed in preparation for
KT’s summer visit, was the ethnicity of Princess. Explaining that we were seeing each other and
that I did want her to meet my current interest and her children, Nixxie said
that KT would not have a problem and that Nixxie’s only issue would be that she
came home with a crush on “one of them”, said tongue firmly in cheek. Lexxie, Pecan Sandie and I already had our
dance with the topic long ago when I lived in Plymouth, Michigan, so that was
that. And given Skye’s locations and her
grunge-stoner style, I am sure that she is not against interracial
relationships.
That is the only assumption that I can make with Lexxie and
Skye. As far as with KT, we did discuss
Princess’ lack of melanin only briefly.
She DID NOT CARE. Her words, and
I quote, “As long as she makes you happy and cooks better than you, then it is
fine.” So what would I tell my daughters
if I was in their lives full time..? I
am not sure that I would have to tell them anything. The social environment and cultural
expectations are different than the ones that I grew up with. In fact, it is likely that the influence of
my environment growing up had a bigger influence on how I define social
constructs even now.
Detroit is my home and I love my hometown. I just wanted to see more than the Motor, and
that is what has driven me. Not a
dislike for anything, PARTICULARLY, anything African-American. The Motor is the largest metro area to be
mostly African-American in the country, by a long shot. The industrial city of Gary is usually
second, but comparing the two municipalities by size and area, there really is
not much to compare. Gary is a
neighborhood in Motown, and that is that with that.
Sometimes I can’t help but think that either things are conveniently
overlooked about me or willfully misunderstood.
Don’t worry, it happens IRL, too, so don’t think that I am taking this
for more than what it is. The quote of
Nietzsche that wishes the, “…suffering,
desolation, sickness, ill-treatment, indignities…”, but finishes with, “…because I wish them the only thing
that can prove today whether one is worth anything or not-that one endures,” means
more to me than the platitudes of strangers.
Those who understand and follows through with commitment to their own
being and architect, and able to purposefully reach their own conclusions can
grasp what I mean by this, specifically, since this is core to my philosophy.
Because of my immediate environment, and despite that I was not
indoctrinated into the racial paradigm, I use race to denote traits and
characteristics that seem either unique or exist in abundance in one group
because it is how I learned to identify the “threat agents” and “bad actors” in
a particular community.
African-American, Asian, Latino, White, or if you are from “Who-gives-a-f*ckistan”,
internally, it does not matter to me and never really has. Only time where a person’s classification
matters is when I have to notate and asses their threat to my wel-being. See, as nice as I am, and again, this is
where developmental environment matters, I will think about how I can f*ck you
up so that you will not ever do that again.
In short, you have to give me a reason NOT to like or be nice to you. Upon having confirmed to MY satisfaction that
you are a bad actor, if not a threat, I will then treat you accordingly. Period and end to that story.
If this feels like familiar subject matter, it is because theoretically,
it is. Once you have “left the
reservation”, you have to turn in your “pass card” (funny,
because when I was involved with Tee Jay, we both laughed that I had to travel around
on her “ghetto pass”) and you are no longer allowed to make commentary about
African-American social issues and problems, of which, relationships are chief
among them.
So despite having spent the hyper-majority of my life dating and
loving sisters, I am now unable to comment on those relationships. That makes as much sense as invalidating an
opinion about the ocean because I live in Omaha. Smurf please!
As far as my “harshness” regarding sisters and their handling of
relationships, what immediately comes to mind is when I was still “whole” and
working in Detroit, and I was living the dream.
At that time I was into the message boards on AOL, and I was scolding
THE BROTHERS for perpetuating problem that I had now become a part of, fathering children with
multiple women and living with none of them.
Then, as is now, I made disclosure of my status in black-and-white, no
other details that would smear my profile and put me in blurry daguerreotype, but
let people do as Gleaming Fossil did, make their own minds up about me.
I have never thought retelling what took place with detail between
me and the girls’ Mother’s was fair. I
am not out for sympathy or to make anyone “look” like anything, other than my
starter wife a little. But the entry in
question, I used the “dog whistle” to show that I know EXACTLY where someone is
coming from and it is unmistakable. Just
as losing Gleaming Fossil’s readership is not an indictment of me but of her,
perhaps, and certainly that portion of society that believes in the memes and
fables about AA men and the White women that love and want them.
My starter wife used to beat me… so I guess that is “one for the
sisters”, since so many of them are victims of domestic violence. Mookie Dee was out cheating on me… that is
payback for your infidelities, brother man.
Suck it up and get back into the minefield and see if you can get
across.
So yes, I get it. But also,
here is this to get… I don’t care. It
does not matter what someone thinks of me and my “white girl”, whether I am not
“man” enough for a “real woman” or any of the other ignorant thoughts that are
presented as reasons for my “bailing out” on African-American women.
Everyone deserves to be happy and with whoever they find happiness
in. I have always operated on a “first
come, first serve” ethic, where if someone demonstrates to me that they want me
to be THAT CAT in their lives, that is what I will do and be. And the person that happened to qualify is
white. So by personal beliefs (negative
bias against any person is decidedly anti-Christian… but you, you go on to
church anyway…) and ethics (you act like you like me, and I like you, then
by law I have to like you back), I find myself with Princess.
DO NOTHING WITHOUT REGARD FOR THE CONSEQUENCES
At least I try to. One of
the ironies about my injury is that now I can be alone and listen to the wisdom
that has been absorbed but at the same time the thoughts are seeping to the
surface and evaporating into air. Que
sera…
One of the reasons that I felt compelled to make the annotation to
Princess was because, IT MATTERS. Talk
about wishing something wasn’t when YOU KNOW it is…
But, like my man Freddie, I do aim to make people
uncomfortable. Not to proof their worth
to ascendance, but more so that I can learn more about myself and become a
better and better-rounded human being.
So despite Gleaming Fossil’s well reasoned and thoughtfully written
comment, I do think that she is mistaken.
Just as time would prove Columbus right, and as it did Copernicus, when
the question of ethnicity is ultimately answered, it won’t be those who cling
to the notion of “ethnic purity” (which, genotypically speaking, is impossible) will be
proven to have been correct, and those who were with them, will be washed away
by the winds of change.
4 comments:
Like you said, it reflects more on Gleaming Fossil than on you. You have never hidden who you are on your blog, someone made assumptions.
Agreed. Be with who makes you happy!
i just think of you as mark. color does not define you for me. i'm sure if i dated some black chicks i might be able to agree/disagree with you in some form, but that's an avenue i haven't gone down so to me, that makes my point more moot than anything else.
i see our time here in comparisons- we learn from each other by the means and methods we use to make our comparisons.
and i have learned much from you and am honored to be your 'net neighbor. i know that if we would of started corresponding after my great internet dating experiment (because after you marry the guy from the internet meeting up with random people online seems less weird) it would of been less odd for us to meet up in detroit and for this i still apologize for not making it happen before you your move.
just love who you love, and do a damn fine job with it.
xxalainaxx
Mark wrote:
Sometimes I can’t help but think that either things are conveniently overlooked about me or willfully misunderstood <<<Lots of people do that all the time. They see, hear, read, what fits into their already fully-formed-I-ain't-gonna-change beliefs. Many times those people live lives that stand in direct opposition to their own beliefs, but they will call you on everything they think they can suss about you that is "wrong" & pretend they know some kind of true path.
There is only one way to deal with people like this: IGNORE THEM.
Post a Comment