LIKE CHESS, LIFE IS A GAME WITH ALL THE MISTAKES WAITING TO
BE MADE
A bunch of what I do is guided by my inner kenning. I can’t recall a time where that wasn’t the
case, where I would have an extra-sensory feeling about something and what I
call “the nexus of realities” would open up.
It would be as if I could see where all the roads to where my decisions
would take me once I made my decision.
There were no guarantees to anything, more like they led to where the
probabilities took them and that they all hinged on me and the choices that
made and subsequently would be responsible for.
I never “search” for love because I believe that I am
love. Literally, that is what I am and
so are you, and so is everyone else in this world. That was part of what I first tapped into
when I was going through my disaffected youth and my against-type character
began to really define itself. The
philosophy that you attract what you are is one that I believe and know that it
works for me. Outside of a precious few,
it seems like it is a “power” that I have… the ability to draw people to me and
want to be in my company. It sometimes
feels as if I have virus, only people want to catch it, as if “niceness” is
something that could be transmitted through the air that we breathe.
When I met the woman who would be my starter wife, I had
gotten home from my hitch in the Army. I
felt that I had the world by the tail and was on my way to doing big
things. But my saying “big things” is
akin to the “top men” that took charge of the Ark of the Covenant at the end of
‘Raiders…’ My being vague isn’t only to keep a critical distance from others
but because whatever is next for me has either been revealed and must be
understood (like a certain concept that I got into actualization), or is
something yet to come and I need to continue on the path that I am on and let
it take me where it will.
Understandably, as an older, more responsible (but you gotta wonder how
much more responsible she was at the time… after all, she DID marry me!) adult
with a daughter to provide for, she was more doubtful about my approach to
life.
I don’t know why I was moved to get married when I did. With being ‘short’ and doing all the outprocessing
to return to the world, I had plenty of time to think about what I was going to
do with my life when I finally ‘got back home to where I belonged’. Upon returning home, I bought the requisite
new car, actually a used one my first ‘Z’ car and enrolled at Henry Ford
Community College, to get started on using up my College Fund money. At home I was still seen as the conquering
hero, and had resumed my amateur boxing career.
Then I met my starter wife and …
Now I
think I have spoken enough about my marriage and how it was a bad matchup of a
couple. One of the major problems that
she had when she was young, at least, was disrespect for African-American men
that seemed to be more of like a resentment that she bore as if it was a grudge
she held against brothers. Despite this
sign and others like it, I made the hour drive down I-75 willingly and from
there, the interest on my mistake began to compound by the day. Her insecurity over a host of external/internal
issues was as responsible for the implosion of our marriage more than my
callowness. It wouldn’t be until I
realized that she had not any belief that I was going anywhere that I finally
(after one last beating from her) decided I had given her all that she was
going to get from me.
Going to an HBCU was never on my radar until I saw a
mini-riot on ESPN of at a basketball game between Carolina Central and
A&T. I knew ‘the why’ to what pulled
me down south and after my marriage dissolved, I loaded up and left for
Greensboro. It was NOT easy, sleeping in
my car and trying to get baths at shelters and whatever. But I made some friends and got things going
and began the ‘run ‘n shoot’ era.
Now I actually consider the period of my enlistment to just
before my marriage combined with my A&T experience to be the ‘era’. My attitude towards women was less fully
formed at that time and I confused ‘respect’ with ‘information’, that by
telling a woman that I was simply ‘out there’ was good enough. Live and learn, learn and live. Still, I think that by declaring an intention
was better than trying to ‘game’ and I will live and die with that. So though I was doing my best to live the “pretty
is as pretty does” aesthetic, when I met the Delta Girl, I was looking for my
way to something more worthwhile than being out in the streets.
With her, I was in a relationship where I was with someone
who was as captivated by me as I was with her.
I have to say that until I met her, I had not considered how bad my behavior
was towards women. I had started reading
authors like Andrea Dworkin, Greer Garson, Camile Pagilia, and had a smattering
of Gloria Steinem thanks to my Mom already as a part of my feminine
understanding. This helped to further
the fostering MY personal sense of sacrifice in the belief of something larger
than myself. The feeling of emptiness
that I had because of my monochrome view of the world through a sexist lens, led
me to consider the utility of relationships and what did I have to offer
someone.
Though she would graduate and go off into her career field,
after one year of traveling back and forth on the two-lane blacktop we decided
to ‘shack up’ as we considered our marriage a foregone conclusion and did not
see a problem with the arrangement. I
found decent enough job, went to school and helped out with her and her class
of 5th graders. For our first
two years together, things were smooth like glass. But I still had boxing in me and had come off
a run that saw me impress enough to fight professionally. So I would commute an hour one way to Ft.
Bragg, where I knew the Army boxing coaches and had a good relationship with
them. After fighting several club shows
in the boxing hinterlands that is the Virgina-Carolinas area, I got a ‘call up’
to a show in the D.C. Metroplex and won.
Little did I know that would be the beginning of the end for me and the
Delta Girl.
2 comments:
You are stripping down for us all to see. I am moved by your honesty and willingness to share.
I hope it feels good for you too.
Cheering you on!
The fight can be more painful when it is emotional versus physical...
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