NOT GOING TO LET YOU SLIP AWAY I'M GONNA BE THERE

YOU'RE GONNA BRING YOUR LOVE TO ME I'M GONNA BE THERE

I don’t think there was any one thing that influenced my way of how I saw women and sexual roles more than Andrea Dworkin’s book, “WomanHating”.  Though I did not read it until the 90’s, I still had visceral images of her burned in my mind from various television shows.  Her work was very direct and confrontational, and she became almost a brand for feminism.  That book was the first one that confirmed thoughts that I had about society, and I have constantly expanded upon those opinions.  From there I would make my ‘offer’ to society, what would I do, what I would give up, in order to gain what it was I was asking for in my life.  That was how I met the Delta Girl.  I put it out into the universe that “this” was what I was willing to do and be for what I had wanted.

Working at Champ’s Sports in the Four Season’s Mall during the Christmas shopping season, I was goofing around as the store traffic had finally slowed from frenetic to busy when she came into the store.  One of my co-workers stifled a laugh, because just as it is with you folks here on-line, it was fairly obvious the kind of woman that I liked and was drawn to was.  There was no surprise when she entered the store that I quickly went to the front and greeted her and her friend as they came through and went to the shoe wall.  They were just looking, killing time before they left school for their winter break, and though waiting on them meant that I was losing out on sales (cause college students shop with their wishes and not with cash!), I kept talking, and she kept smiling.  Her friend gave her the high sign to either spit or get off the pot and she said, “Well, are you going to ask me for my phone number or what?”

For the rest of winter and all of spring semesters, we kicked it like a martial arts exhibition.  And just like that, I was head over heels.  Carolina had grown on me, going from sleeping in a car to my own place and going to school.  We’d have to sweat out the summer and we ‘fell’ out in the following fall, but I was in it for the long haul.  She would eventually accept my affections for her as sincere and we’d move in together, sharing an apartment in a dot near the border with South Carolina.  The love we shared was defined by the things we would do for each other.  Nothing was an inconvenience, and everything worked to bring us together, at least until I resumed boxing.

It started innocuously enough.  We would take a ride around the county, looking into the nooks and crannies, reading stories and news articles to one another as we took turns driving around.  One day we passed a house with a heavy bag hanging from a tree in the front yard.  The cat who lived there was a decent journeyman pro that never got the break to get him on the main event level.  We stopped and I talked with him and he told me how I could get into the business in that part of the state.  On our ride back, I could not stop talking about what it would be like for us with me boxing, her teaching, and the cute couple profile that we were establishing for ourselves.  And for a while, that is exactly what was happening.  People where I worked and the parents of her students were buzzing when I would have a match in a glorified club/juke joint.  I wasn't fighting anyone but ‘busters’ and having a ball doing it.  It wasn’t until the cat that made the matches got a call to send an opponent in a fight in Raleigh for a New York fighter on the comeback trail.  He had a good record but had been off for a few years.  Wanting to break him in ‘easy’, his people sent him down south to build his record with a few wins.

Going back to the ride home after I talked with the local boxer, I explained to Delta what I knew about the business side of boxing.  Told her about how the fighters in the south were usually ‘opponent’ types, with the heart for boxing but short on the skills.  I explained how I would likely be overlooked because I was fighting out of Carolina, but what no one knew was that I was a Detroit fighter!  I thought I would get in a few wins just off my skills and being underestimated and after getting that proverbial ‘cup of coffee’ on the main event level, I would come on back ‘home’ and just settle in being the local boxing legend.  Great work when you can get it and that is what I was angling for.  Boxing, as much as I enjoyed it, was always the means to an end and not the end itself.  I figured to get a little money to give us a cushion to start our lives together as a married couple.  Of course, the best laid plans often are why I am writing this as a single man living in Omaha, rather than this blog never happening and me and the Delta Girl living in married bliss in Carolina with our little light-skinned children!

So I would beat the upstate cat and get some attention from some boxing people in Carolina, in Pecan Sandie’s hometown, where Nixxie worked and not that far from her hometown.  After a few more wins, they offered me a deal… and that is when everything changed between Delta and me.  Up until my boxing began to become a matter of importance again in my life, we had an idyllic existence together.  As happy as I was… as happy as WE were, I did not think that living could get any better.  I could not ask for more than what I had… the love of my life, a good job, still walking down a college degree, and I was boxing successfully again.  What happened next is one of the things that happens when you think the game is about yourself when it is really about the team…

MY LOVE LIFE...

LIKE CHESS, LIFE IS A GAME WITH ALL THE MISTAKES WAITING TO BE MADE

A bunch of what I do is guided by my inner kenning.  I can’t recall a time where that wasn’t the case, where I would have an extra-sensory feeling about something and what I call “the nexus of realities” would open up.  It would be as if I could see where all the roads to where my decisions would take me once I made my decision.  There were no guarantees to anything, more like they led to where the probabilities took them and that they all hinged on me and the choices that made and subsequently would be responsible for.

I never “search” for love because I believe that I am love.  Literally, that is what I am and so are you, and so is everyone else in this world.  That was part of what I first tapped into when I was going through my disaffected youth and my against-type character began to really define itself.  The philosophy that you attract what you are is one that I believe and know that it works for me.  Outside of a precious few, it seems like it is a “power” that I have… the ability to draw people to me and want to be in my company.  It sometimes feels as if I have virus, only people want to catch it, as if “niceness” is something that could be transmitted through the air that we breathe.

When I met the woman who would be my starter wife, I had gotten home from my hitch in the Army.  I felt that I had the world by the tail and was on my way to doing big things.  But my saying “big things” is akin to the “top men” that took charge of the Ark of the Covenant at the end of ‘Raiders…’ My being vague isn’t only to keep a critical distance from others but because whatever is next for me has either been revealed and must be understood (like a certain concept that I got into actualization), or is something yet to come and I need to continue on the path that I am on and let it take me where it will.  Understandably, as an older, more responsible (but you gotta wonder how much more responsible she was at the time… after all, she DID marry me!) adult with a daughter to provide for, she was more doubtful about my approach to life.

I don’t know why I was moved to get married when I did.  With being ‘short’ and doing all the outprocessing to return to the world, I had plenty of time to think about what I was going to do with my life when I finally ‘got back home to where I belonged’.  Upon returning home, I bought the requisite new car, actually a used one my first ‘Z’ car and enrolled at Henry Ford Community College, to get started on using up my College Fund money.  At home I was still seen as the conquering hero, and had resumed my amateur boxing career.  Then I met my starter wife and …

Now I think I have spoken enough about my marriage and how it was a bad matchup of a couple.  One of the major problems that she had when she was young, at least, was disrespect for African-American men that seemed to be more of like a resentment that she bore as if it was a grudge she held against brothers.  Despite this sign and others like it, I made the hour drive down I-75 willingly and from there, the interest on my mistake began to compound by the day.  Her insecurity over a host of external/internal issues was as responsible for the implosion of our marriage more than my callowness.  It wouldn’t be until I realized that she had not any belief that I was going anywhere that I finally (after one last beating from her) decided I had given her all that she was going to get from me.

Going to an HBCU was never on my radar until I saw a mini-riot on ESPN of at a basketball game between Carolina Central and A&T.  I knew ‘the why’ to what pulled me down south and after my marriage dissolved, I loaded up and left for Greensboro.  It was NOT easy, sleeping in my car and trying to get baths at shelters and whatever.  But I made some friends and got things going and began the ‘run ‘n shoot’ era.

Now I actually consider the period of my enlistment to just before my marriage combined with my A&T experience to be the ‘era’.  My attitude towards women was less fully formed at that time and I confused ‘respect’ with ‘information’, that by telling a woman that I was simply ‘out there’ was good enough.  Live and learn, learn and live.  Still, I think that by declaring an intention was better than trying to ‘game’ and I will live and die with that.  So though I was doing my best to live the “pretty is as pretty does” aesthetic, when I met the Delta Girl, I was looking for my way to something more worthwhile than being out in the streets.

With her, I was in a relationship where I was with someone who was as captivated by me as I was with her.  I have to say that until I met her, I had not considered how bad my behavior was towards women.  I had started reading authors like Andrea Dworkin, Greer Garson, Camile Pagilia, and had a smattering of Gloria Steinem thanks to my Mom already as a part of my feminine understanding.  This helped to further the fostering MY personal sense of sacrifice in the belief of something larger than myself.  The feeling of emptiness that I had because of my monochrome view of the world through a sexist lens, led me to consider the utility of relationships and what did I have to offer someone.

Though she would graduate and go off into her career field, after one year of traveling back and forth on the two-lane blacktop we decided to ‘shack up’ as we considered our marriage a foregone conclusion and did not see a problem with the arrangement.  I found decent enough job, went to school and helped out with her and her class of 5^th graders.  For our first two years together, things were smooth like glass.  But I still had boxing in me and had come off a run that saw me impress enough to fight professionally.  So I would commute an hour one way to Ft. Bragg, where I knew the Army boxing coaches and had a good relationship with them.  After fighting several club shows in the boxing hinterlands that is the Virgina-Carolinas area, I got a ‘call up’ to a show in the D.C. Metroplex and won.  Little did I know that would be the beginning of the end for me and the Delta Girl.

BUILDING A CASE

INTRODUCTIONS PLEASE




Marv Levy was an excellent professional football coach, enjoying much success in both the CFL and the NFL, where he left a lasting impression with Buffalo Bills of the early 90’s. He brought a very cerebral and scholarly approach to the game. From using the wing-T at Kansas City to the ‘K-Gun’ offense at Buffalo, he was not afraid to challenge the conventions of NFL coaching. Despite all his achievements, I dare say what he is most known for is, along with Bud Grant of the Minnesota Vikings, a coach who lost 4 Super Bowl games with the same team: Side note: since there will be some talk about fate, destiny, ordination here, during one of these runs, the Bills overcame the largest halftime deficit in NFL history to beat the Houston Oilers, who used the ‘run and shoot’ offense. Not only that, the quarterback who led them on their comeback, Frank Reich, also led the University of Maryland to a victory against the University of Miami (yes, THAT  University of Miami… the one in Ohio is Miami University!) in the largest comeback victory in NCAA history!



Anywho… it is a shame that the appreciation for Coach Levy is somewhat muted because he got to the big game and lost. A couple of times his teams were blown out. But during the stretch that the Bills were going to the Super Bowl, they would suffer one of blowout loss and somehow manage to make it back the very next year. Let that sink in for a second. They got knocked out but struggled back to the big stage the very next year. Takes a lot of character to have managed that, wouldn't you say?  Four times he and the same core players went to the Super Bowl and they lost each time, a couple of them were blow out losses.  But of course, everyone knows that 'no one circles the wagons like the Buffalo Bills!'


Michael Vick’s little intro is going to be more subjective as I am trying to create a certain ambience with this post… put things in a certain perspective that may push boundaries and hopefully cause for a little reflection.


I did not like Michael Vick because he reminded me of the mustard seeds that were my antagonists in childhood. The cat from Kronk who my Mom wanted to win his fights more than she wanted me to win in my own? Not only did he not fully achieve as an amateur, getting beat in the Olympic Trials and pu**ying up in a few other major tournaments, he never got it together to ever fight as a professional. He was not the only great underachiever that I knew, far more deserving of me of the designation ‘fail’. Mike Vick character, his ‘swagger’ at Virginia Tech and when he was an Atlanta Falcon continually reminded me of the mustard seed story from the Bible. He fought his own potential to be something more than what he was at the time and indulged himself until finally, his life collapsed all at once.



He offended me because he was at once supremely talented and simultaneously being a jacka**. He seemed to revel in his 'ghettoness' but having gone through his well-known conviction, he has become a better football player by actually applying himself and getting the most out of his talents. Also in his profiles and media appearances he has shown contrition and said ‘all the right things’. I do happen to think that he is sincere, but he has only been out for what, a year-and-a-half. Judging on what he has shown in those snapshots and on the field…

As for the third person in the introduction, you have been reading this for a little bit, haven’t you? Anywho, I am hard on myself but I never think that I am hard enough. Introspective perhaps to a fault, and dizzy with CTBI, among other things that I am ‘dizzy’with. Adventurous, brave, and willing to push himself as far as possible, still trying to get things together so that he can get to that place where the sun sets on the horizon… or something like that…


I HAVEN’T FORGOTTEN…

I will get to the SFC sooner than later. But what I get from my connections from these examples is…
… I have gotten up and gotten knocked down in the big game or semi-finals before. Got into the big game and lost (1st marriage) gotten to the ‘conference finals ( both Delta and Mookie Dee got rings… with Tee Jay, that was the next logical step before our failure) and as ‘prolific’ as the run and shoot was, it could not get beyond a certain level (though as for that, the run and shoot Detroit Lions DID make it to a NFC championship game!). Oh, and there is the possibility that despite limited talent and/or ability, a big comeback or two my future!


Also, I understand that no matter what I do that there are some people who will be offended by some of my choices. I have done some pretty lousy things and how I have worked them out is something for me, the principles and (insert whatever name or diety or whoever is applicable for you and your belief system) to work out. Thing is, redemption is not dependent solely on the forgiveness of others. Forgiveness is something I believe you give first to yourself. If not, how can you give it to others?

TAKING YET ANOTHER HOP

re relationships between people (not just men and women, but all people).



they work better when we drop the 'roles' and the 'stereotypes' we hold ourselves and others to and just appreciate ourselves and each other for who we are, not who we want to be seen as, or how we think other people see us.


Since this comment was left on a recent entry and I like it, I will let it stand alone as to where I was going with my talk about the unique struggle that African-Americans face in romantic relationships. It is significant to me because ALL stereotypes are not equal and are not bad. A lot of times, almost as many times as they have been wrong, stereotypes can provide a frame work to base an opinion on. My experience has been one where all too often, I have had to deal with stereotypes of all kinds from those about sexual identity and the slipper wicket of racial politics. None of which felt like it went through any kind of processing by ‘the brain computer’.

But there IS a difference between ‘confirming’ something through stereotyping and having that presumption ‘verified’. To ‘confirm’ something is to have several sources that have a strong opinion on what may or may not be, as is the case with statements that seem to corroborate an ideal, like ‘all women are gold diggers’, or ‘all men are dogs’. Those statements, broad stereotypes can SEEM true if you only date girls from the discos and strip clubs frequented by the likes of NBA, NFL players, and Tiger Woods! As far as all men being ‘dogs’, maybe if all the men you date are NBA, NFL players and on the odd occasion, Tiger Woods!! The sample is too narrow and the idea posited to subjective, particularly if you are part of said sample population.


To have either of those broad statements ‘verifiable’, the authentication is much stricter. Sources are more objective and reliable. They aren’t as impeachable or prone to allowing emotions to sway their judgment. “Confirm, then verify,” is the way it should be done. Because you tend to assume too much and make an opinion based on subjective value judgments, when NO ONE CARES what you think or how you came to your crack pot reasoning. See, YOU are the one who did not perform the checks and amass the information necessary… and even when you do that, there is STILL enough room for something to be askew.


So what are you gonna do? Hmm??


YOU CAN BE BEHIND ME


Most folks who are unable to shift through the processes that strips away ‘confirmation’ and leaves you with a ‘verifiable’ result, prolly are confused because it is nearly impossible to repeat the conditions exactly the same. Remember, I am talking about the cocktail of emotions that make up relationships and individuals. But because you can take the archetypical result and in using it to measure the difference that a situation is from the ideal, it is almost the same as making a stereotype. I also think that it can result in a methodology that can be used to gauge and make assumptions when you are making evaluations about whatever it is you are observing with greater accuracy as well. In this case, predicting performance in a romantic relationship.

Or maybe I should call it ‘loving’. Yup, I think that you can predict whether or not you and another person can make a relationship work under almost any conditions. And it you don’t have to have the exacting ‘conditions’ needed to verify whether or not the two of you will make good partners. I think you have to take the things that you know you know and what you DON’T know you know (which is actually part of what you know), and hope that this knowledge is not dwarfed by the things you don’t know that you don’t know.


I believe one of the biggest challenges to finding a happy relationship is literally, ourselves, as we are both part of the things we know we don’t know and the things we don’t know that we don’t know. When I met My Delta Girl (because that is what I called her), it was during X-Mas break and she was still walking around the Four Season’s Mall where I was a shoe jockey at a sporting good and apparel store. The week prior I was talking with my roomie about women, and I described the kind of woman that I was ACTUALLY wanting in my life, as opposed to the ‘first in line at the casting call’, which is what I considered my ex-wife.


Listing the qualities that I hoped for and those that I found in her would be an exercise in redundancy. What I think happened in our relationship, was there was something else that I did not know about myself that determined our fail as a couple and it is something that has remained with me to this day.


The depth of what I call my ‘victimization pathology’ is incalculable and all kinds of monsters emerge when I am shaken by something to my core. When it formed when I was growing up, it was at first seen as ‘the way it was’, as with most children, we see everything colored by our immediate surroundings. The mix between all of the positives and negatives about my upbringing has led me to certain conclusions… and one of them happened to be the foundation to the events that led to our demise.

THINKING THINGS THROUGH

I don’t want anyone to think that I am abdicating Lovebabz’ challenge, because I most definitely am not!! I feel good, confident about my decision to move to Omaha. The worst thing that could happen is that I decide to go somewhere else, and even that is not a bad thing.

What I had worried while I was in Detroit was that it was going to have a ‘black hole’ like effect on me and I would be crushed by the gravity. Having the confidence in myself to figure out a way to my own spot has done so much for me that I find it hard to put it all into words.

As far as why I am combing through all this stuff… well, if I don’t, who will? Killing a few birds with this particular stone and I am going to see it through! (btw… watching SNL and is it just me, or is this Bruno Mars cat hot??)