Friday, March 23, 2012

SCAVENGING THROUGH LIFE’S VERY CONSTANT LULLS SO FAR FROM WHERE I’M DETERMINED TO GO

WISH I KNEW THE WAY TO REACH THE ONE I LOVE




The irony in the dissolution of relations between Nebraska and me is that the last time that we actually saw each other I thought that we had a good time in one another’s company. That was at the end of January, and unfortunately the time in between our last face-to-face and not seeing each other, including the reaching of the terminus of our relationship was not that unusual. For people who were supposedly exploring a relationship with one another, we spent little quality time in each other’s company.


When she told me that she had decided that our relationship was too stress-inducing for her, she also mentioned the frequency that we did hang out and perhaps a case could have been made that we did spend time together. But was it enough time for the kind of relationship we had hoped to… wait a minute, looks like pronoun trouble has been spotted…


THIS COULD BE DESTINY… I’VE HAD NO SENSE OF TIME SINCE WE’VE STARTED


I have had my ‘knuckles wrapped’ for thinking/intellectualizing/over-analysis enough times throughout the years to where I try to catch when I am doing just that, thinking and not ‘feeling’ the situation. When I have been going over what has happened between Nebraska and me, I hide behind ideas of fairness and balancing whose contributions were most injurious to our relationship. Right now, I don’t care about that.


My journal has helped me during some challenging periods in my life. I was wounded spiritually and emotionally when I was in the ‘provincial town’, struggling with a distant partner, trying to raise another cat’s daughter, discovering that I was disabled, and all with my personal concerns behind all that. No one who has tried to date me can say that I am a selfish person. The occasions where I do hear the accusation that I am self-involved are viewed as outliers and summarily dismissed. I have shared myself here and I don’t think that anyone who knows me through my journal would feel that I am selfish.


Whatever is to come of my life, it cannot be said that I did not live with daring and that I did not follow destiny. The things that I have managed to accomplish and experience all stand in the shadows of my fate. I am not in Omaha by chance. And Nebraska is NOT just a random chick that I met on the internet.


I would drop the words, ‘combat salacious removal’, lyrics from the Interpol song “Length of Love” in emails and in our chats. The reason I did it was not to be clever or mysterious but so that I could make sure that I was indeed FEELING her and not simply full of ‘salacious intentions’. She is still who she is to me and she knows what I mean by that. But I know that there was some skepticism about my affectations and whether or not they would be fulfilled. Me, I never questioned how I felt about her, not when we first met back in 00’ (or ’01) and not when I allowed myself to think of her as my engagement deteriorated.


Having ‘removed the salaciousness’ between (and really salaciousness was something that never even existed between us) my want for a different place to live and my want for her, was a big part of the planning and ‘conceptualizing’ what lay ahead for me. But what I did want for her to ‘overstand’ was how strong my connection to her was and that she respect my feelings. I don’t think she ever got it, or if she did, she thought it was something that was not a major part of our relationship. I DON’T KNOW.


The obviousness to why this song is a ‘soundtrack to Omaha’ song is pretty obvious… it says that “sister girl, you will not have to worry about what I would do for you in the name of love.” With that being a popular request in relationships, that there is desire, romance and love shown, it seemed to me to be a no-brainer that I had an abundance of love for her. The biggest question I had for myself was would my love and devotion be enough for her?


I'VE GOT A CHANCE FOR A SWEET SANE LIFE... I SAID i'VE GOT A DANCE' IT MOVES INTO THE NIGHT


Another ‘single off the soundtrack’ is ‘The Heinrich Maneuver’ and is yet another Interpol song and I would drop the lyrics in my entries to again make sure that I was diligent in developing my ‘why’ for Omaha. I mean, Carolina is where my daughters live and the memories of some of the best times in my life reside. Why wouldn’t I want to go there and maybe straighten out my ‘academic career’ in Greensboro? Did I mention that my daughters live there and man, you talk about having fun summers… EVERY school break that we had would be spent hanging out and I could introduce them to each other! Shee—oot, the city of Raleigh and the Carolina State Fair, heck we could–


‘The provincial town I once jogged ‘round’ was another option as well. Mookie Dee and I would scarcely cross paths because our interest trend in different directions. Sure, there are some events that might be a draw to both of us but historical precedent would have made it a safe assumption that worrying about our running into each other with any frequency was unnecessary. Just like it is unlikely, I think, for Nebraska and me to ‘run into each other’ here in ‘the big O’.

Is it possible that we run into each other grocery shopping or at the mall? Maybe on a bike trail or at a library? Will we bump into each other as I exit a show at ‘The Waiting Room’ or at ‘Slowdown’? If I could remember the quote when I first brought up the subject I would, but I know from the vibe left by the comment that would be ‘highly improbable to the point of stretching the probability beyond its limits and rupturing the time-space continuum and affecting the singularity that brought ‘existence’ into existence!


So no, I don’t expect to see her as I ‘jog my way ‘round town’, even by ‘accident’. And in many ways that is why everything has changed… that is what was represented by the ‘Heinrich Maneuver’. It was a portend of what could happen if once I got to Omaha, the issues that were microscopic at the time but were there at the beginning of the formation of ‘the Nebraska Concept’. Ultimately, the difference in the things that we need and what we received from one another is, apparently, an ancient ocean wide.

3 comments:

Bucko (a.k.a., Ken) said...

The concept seems challenged, hope you can find a game changer.

mrs.missalaineus said...

maybe she's just not the one? reading this it makes sense as you are mourning what could of been between the two of you. in spite of it all you keep on keeping on with hope in your heart and a goal to make the most of the circumstances life has thrown at you. stay strong-

xxalainaxx

FrankandMary said...

Dude, you are good (maybe at times too good) at exploring the forest of Yourself. This wasn't the one. Really wasn't the one, but there will be one. ~Mary