KEEP CALM AND CARRY ON

ALONE IN KYOTO

Though I have not seen the movie “Lostin Translation”, Air is band that I have enjoyed listening to for years and years.  Their music could be the theme to many a peaceful evening and I think that it was listening to either “MoonSafari” or “10000 Hz Legend” with her that I felt SD falling for me.

SD was the first person that I shared some of “the ol’ slippery wicket” with after Tee Jay.  We had worked together for nearly two years before we went out to a comedy show downtown in the Motor.  I recall walking with her to CoPa and finding her “brick” in front of the park that night and walking her to her car, parked on a side street a few blocks over from the Fox Theatre. 

As we walked around to the driver’s side of her car, our fingers dangled loosely among themselves, the loosening of our grip slow and drizzly because neither of us wanted to say good-bye, I suddenly grasped her by her wrist and pulled her back to me, telling her that I really had nice time and kissed her before she could reply.  It was deep and passionate, and there were tingles and sparklers going off between the two of us.  It was one of those “special” first kisses that should have started a flourishing romance that not only would bloom but remain evergreen (and you KNOW I wanted to link you to Babs and her song!!).

Now it isn’t that hers was any more super special than any of the other memorable first kisses in my life.  Nebraska’s and mine first kiss in Chicago back in ‘07 is still in my mind, along with Tee Jay’s and the with the Delta Girl’s first kiss (with me, not with each other!!).  What I think is “special” or at the very least notable is that despite having so much promise and sharing an appreciation for each other’s quirks, we never were a couple or boyfriend-girlfriend.  It always struck me that she would ride out to my fights held in “Anytown, USA” as she called the small towns I’d fight in, and she was really into the atmosphere and saw much of what I saw and felt, making it clear to her why I was still fighting (it couldn’t have been for the money… I was well paid for the paperwork I shuffled for The Big Three).

Looking at an email from her… “something reminded me of you and I thought I would drop you a line…”, I just wonder what else she may have been thinking and how she dealt with the bitter taste that was as integral to our relationship as it is to that of dark chocolate, and wonder what kind of emotions were going through her to motivate her to email me.

My journal is what all my ‘reminiscing’ is for, so that I don't get caught up and reach out to someone because I had an emotional flux capacitor go on the blink and get all narly on me.  Besides, SD has become in time, the template for defining my subsequent encounters with women.

KEEP CALM AND CARRY ON

Today has been a drizzly day.  Though the showers had stopped by afternoon, as usual, the early morning was damp and I was out in it.  I wanted to go back to the Furniture Mart (and I really, really, got a crush on this place!!) and return the floor steamer that I got last week.  The cleaner’s performance was quite disappointing and since I need and want a bed, returned the steamer and picked up a queen-sized bed and an inexpensive chair with an ottoman to go with it!  I also went to pay my cable and internet and I took my bike along to carry out the task.

Got on the bus and me and my return did not get too wet.  Arriving downtown to catch the 13 that would drop me off across the street from the Mart, there were some ragamuffin’s in the shelter, couple of white cats and four brothers talking amongst themselves.  Instantly, the DefCon goes up to three and I am thinking about how I would drop the cleaner, swing my bike and hit the two inside the shelter on my left and throw the bike at their knees, then bum-rush the cat nearest to me and after that…

I thought about Nebraska and how she thinks that… ‘blah, blah, blah’.  No, I am not IN Detroit but dontcha know, that IS where I am from.  This kind of gathering is always a “keep your eyes on your luggage” situation, one that can escalate for no apparent reason, ALL OVER THE FREAKIN’ WORLD.  So yeah, I was ready to knuckle-up.  One of the sure signs that there could be mischief afoot was the one white cat asking me if I had $.60 for the bus… WTH..?  That is something that occurs in Omaha that rarely happened in other places, young people, usually male, soliciting and panhandling.  Now the reason it was a “knuckle-up” moment for me, is that I could have been tagged as “a mark” (which is not like calling me by my name, Mark!) and lugging around an expensive item, along with dragging a bike around, left me feeling vulnerable.  As it was, when my bus arrived, they did not even board it.

HANGIN’ AROUND AT THE MART

Sometimes, I just GO. 

I get to the Mart at 9:40, which means I have to wait 20 minutes in the drizzle.  Fortunately the overhang of the building acts as a canopy so I did not get too wet.  When I planned the trip I had not thought about picking up a chair… but there was so many at such good prices that I felt that I could swing it since I was returning the cleaner.  That did not become clear until I went inside, and since I was still outside in the chill, I did a little shadowboxing to keep loose.

Super stupid insensitivity alert!  A married “Mrs. I’m-in-a-hurry” walks up and pulls on one of the doors.  It is less than 5 minutes before the doors open and she starts to make predictable small talk about a boxer she knew who “got hit too much”.  I ask you, what should I have said?  No, really, if you are reading this and have a response, let me know it.  I mean I smiled and held in my, “what the f*ck you mean, lady? I BOXED,” and kept my eyes on my luggage.  To me, it was an example of someone failing to display the kind of thoughtfulness that they would normally have for someone else, especially a stranger.  She is lucky her husband wasn’t there, otherwise HE’D had to “guard his grill” and why you think I am playin’ when I am not?!?

One of the things that I have felt for sure this year is the struggle to keep things straight… and going out to make my first big purchase was no different.  Between getting turned around between the two main buildings and trying to make a choice on what bed I should purchase… I thought about how it would have been nice to have some help in doing this… not because I necessary NEED the help, but still, it would have been nice!

AND THIS TIME I AM FINISHING WHERE I STARTED!

The thing about SD… and the women in my life since is that they are wanting when it comes a relationship.  For me, of the things that has made (or makes??) Tee Jay or even my ex-wife relevant, is their ACTIONS as well as their desire, for a significant relationship in their lives, and how it is a part of their future happiness.  "Life is either a daring adventure or nothing at all" and Helen Keller’s words could either be a part of my “Rules To Live By” or a corollary of my own quote “If you are going to reach, may as well reach for the stars… anything else is jus’ campin’,” the implication being, if you are going to do something, DO IT, for gosh shakes!

What I am about to say is purely personal and has nothing to do with anyone (and I am saying this not to sound like Carly Simon, who said it wasn’t but it really was!!)… but it was an observation that helped me make the choice for a trip through “Ex-ville” seem not just logical, but prudent! I fail to see where the desire for a partner can coexist with such a "cautious" (and that is being kind!!) approach to relationships.  The mixed messages amount to a "no" for me, so I just hang on the outside.  I have no lack of relationships in my past, and if I am not the "Marrying Man" but a pretender, que sera.  What I can't abide is the lack of commitment that I have seen and continue to encounter.  After 35, I really think you should have a good fix on what you have to offer in a relationship and if not... well, I am not going to go out like that... that simply isn't palatable to me!  But that is for another day and if anyone has made it this far, thanks for coming along for the ride!!