Saturday, February 4, 2012

..BUT NOW YOU ONLY CALL ME WHEN YOU'RE FEELING DEPRESSED, WHEN YOU FEEL HAPPY I'M SO FAR FROM YOUR MIND MY PATIENCE IS STRETCHED, MY LOYALTY VEXED

EAU D’BEDROOM DANCING


Skye and I are ‘friends’ along with her Mum on Face Book. Last couple of weeks I have darted back and forth on the site because I am hacking away at something from school and I can usually post some blasé inanity and ‘like’ a few posts before I get back to studying. I worry when I think about her because she owes a lot of her physical attributes to her Mom, and they also include being a plus-sized woman, like her sister. Now I don’t see anything ‘wrong’ with her size but not only am I her Dad, I am further biased because I prefer women who wear 14+- sized clothing. So that would be an added bias even in factoring out that she is MY DAUGHTER.


When I spend a day chatting up her younger sisters and we laugh and talk about this summer, I wish that Skye and me could have that same kind of connection, one where she felt comfortable calling me ‘Dad’, like her sisters does. Anywho, since I don’t have any pictures of here I snag them from her album when posts to them. She reminds me of the character Thora Birch played in the movie ‘Ghostworld’ and a lot of other different thoughts go through my mind when I’ve considered that resemblance while I was listening to this song here.


Since she is an adult I feel more comfortable sharing her picture on my blog. I don’t want to overdo it, talking about her and the Carolina girls when they run through my mind or we have some kind of interaction. That is one of the perks you lose as the non-custodial parent, particularly when your record is as checkered as mine is when it comes to parenting. Do I ever wonder if I could have been a good parent? Eh, I do, but I don’t beat myself up over it. Should have solved for that in high school, I reckon, but that isn’t what I am going to talk about but that will be an undercurrent to this particular entry.






A BOND OF TRUST HAS BEEN ABUSED… SOMETHING OF VALUE MAY BE LOST…


I almost wasn’t sure if I was going to use this song to companion with this entry because I like to use lyrics from songs as status updates for Face book (I don’t quite ‘get’ Google +, though I do have a profile on there) and these are so particularly evocative that I am sure they would be good for a few comments, but I digress.


Still trying to wrestle with some of the socio-politics that Moz identified with, this song was released on his ‘World of Morrissey’ CD. There wasn’t any new stuff on it, as Moz was seemingly constantly embroiled in some kind of dispute with whatever record label he was on. EMI was trying to recoup their investment by with this release. Since some folks are too productive for me to keep up with I still appreciated in being able to buy the album.


I remember going to some little strip-mall around Fayetteville, NC with Delta Girl, browsing around when I saw this CD. We played it as we rode down the two-lane back to our little, little town and she even sang along with a couple of songs (when I say I was a Morrissey fan, you have NO idea of how big a Moz fan I was at that time!), but when this song came on, we both got quiet and listened to it.





Having heard my ‘song and dance’ and being familiar with it, I did not have to explain how I identified with it. After all, she was able to actually be present for some of the episodes take place before her very eyes, one that bore a similarity to the ones in the song.


The first time I was advised against being an ‘isolationist’ was when I was a teenager and an older cousin who was more of the ‘unofficial older brother’ than he was cousin, had a conversation about my predilection for being off to myself whenever the fam was getting together and going wherever. He told me two things… that no man is an island and I got that… but the other was one I never could square with.


THE CEASELESS SPINNINGS OF MAN


Since I have not broken ‘bonds of trust’ (unless you are going to hold my starter marriage against me) nor do I waste good time fighting with friends, I don’t think that I am the one that needs to be told that I need a friend. Of all the songs that possess that unmistakable quality of ‘being my life’, this is certainly among them.


I don’t know how many times I have been someone who has been that friend that someone should have held onto. Seriously, I do. When I think of the people who let me go… including Mookie Dee and my starter wife, I really wonder why they chose to do what they did FIRST before I wonder if there was anything I could have done. Whenever someone has needed that thing, material, spiritual or whatever, that anybody could have provided but seems to be going without, I don’t hesitate—I act.


One of the odd things about being friends with people I only know through this blog and many whom I will never meet, is that I feel a stronger bond with you guys than I have with many of the people that I have actually known in my life. A few that have resurfaced, my roomie from A&T and the SFC, I am sooo grateful that they are at least on the peripheries of my life. They reaffirm for me that I have been not just the kind of person who should have a large coterie of friends, but more importantly, HAS BEEN that kind of friend to people. I myself am a ‘good kid’ and I am super good with that.


SINCE I HAVE BEEN BREAKING MY 'WORD COUNT SPEED LIMIT’ RECENTLY…


I am going to end this entry here. I am not worried about not having any ‘friends’ because just like I ran into the older homeboy on the bus the other day, I am someone who despite any subjective assertions, is someone for whom life has decided will be what he seeks… ‘A light that never goes out’.

4 comments:

♥ CG ♥ said...

Your daughter is gorgeous, Mark :-). Give it a little more time, life has a way of bringing us closer to those who seem far away in physicality and mind.

Mark and Elayne said...

You have one lovely daughter. How I wish my father had made an effort to stay in my life. He left when I was a baby. I don't even have a picture of him. One day, your daughter will realize what a blessing it is to have a daddy.

FrankandMary said...

I would never hold a starter marriage against anyone :-). So much of all "stuff" we go through is ancient & inevitable. ~Mary

Bucko (a.k.a., Ken) said...

I feel your family plan pain, lovely picture.