AND I HAVE BEEN SO TIRED
The week has been pretty long for a smurf! Not only do I have nothing to say (actually I do but you see why I said that in a few!) but I have finally figured out why my algebra class has vexed me… IT IS AN ACCELRATED CLASS! Each day I leave the class with the feeling that I would get this crap only if… but the instructor is not supposed to be taking it easy. She is a good instructor and I would recommend her to anyone, but it is going by a little fast for me.
Fortunately it isn’t a class for a grade… it is simply qualifying me for the college level math. So I am just going to pass the class and tighten my stuff up. I don’t like not doing better; but I am doing my best! Getting to the next class is going to be more than good enough for me.
Got to start doing some serious research for my Comp 2 paper… mine is going to be on why the death penalty should be abolished. I need to find 7 sources and the paper needs to be 8-10 pages. May as well get started now because February will fly by, especially with the weather here being a bit ‘softer’ than what my body is programmed for. There is very little snow on the ground and it was a 40 degree day in the 3rd week of January. Can’t beat that!
From gestation to initialization, and now to actualization, the Nebraska Concept has been all about my earning another opportunity to live MY LIFE, the one that I envision myself living. Now that is meant to be in the present-tense as what that is evolves moment to moment as I continue to grow.
Some of the grounds concerning the concept have changed … for instance, I would speak of how I intended to dote on Nebraska and if things did not progress with her, then I would simply be a bachelor, chillin’ and doing my thing. At the time, I was not thinking that I would suffer my injury and having all the bumps and bruises that I endured in getting here, but I am here nonetheless, and Omaha has been quite alright by me!
While me and ‘braska have our ups and downs, I want to talk about why I did not think that I would be ‘actively pinging’ should that relationship not develop as I had hoped. It wasn’t that I would be so brokenhearted that I would not want to try to love again. One of the threads that I have strung along since I have begun my journal is that “at the entrance of another… the suck begins to occur to my life and my vision.” And that was what my desire for solitude was about. Not that I was “scared and scarred” by love, but I did not want to be distracted. I have been on the path I am on before and I would imagine how much energy it would take for a “whole” Mark to reach his goal. With my injury, how much prescient was that idea? Anywho, things morph and evolve and so have my plans. While I am more open to the idea of being in a relationship, over the summer last year, reasons why I did not want to bother with the “stickiness” of a relationship reared its head.
SEE, I TOLD YOU THERE WERE COMPLEXITIES
Before my injury I had simply grown weary of managing the different personalities that masqueraded as ‘unique’ but were more like a Tyler Perry character, and amalgamation of stereotypes and expectations that were marketed and imported into their mental hard drives. All of that is to say that each ‘unique’ personality trait was not really that ‘unique’ at all and just so darn boring in its predictability.
The girl who I did not give a nickname to because though I did like her and thought of her as a “keeper”, there is something special about the women here in Omaha. I don’t quite know what it is and that is fine. Because, there is a narrow spectrum of people that I can or am willing to let into my life, especially with me putting so much effort into making it happen. For instance…
Out of the blue the “Once Maybe Miss” hits me up via the e-mail… asking how a smurf’s been doing and talking about the holidays and all… you know, giving a cat the vague 411. Now despite my letting her know how much I thought of her she gave me what I will call, “the Cornhusker shake-off”. It was as subtle as an Acme™ anvil is to the Coyote, and it was another in what may be a series (collect all ten!) of unappealing characteristics among otherwise polite Nebraskan women.
Here is where the complexities get “complex” and I begin to remember why I did not think I would be dealing with the vagaries of women in general much less specifically. I mean, really… I ain’t saying what it is that has an odor… I just know that something smells!
For me, the clues are all about that there isn’t something completely jake with the lassies in Omaha but that is alright. Going back to my raison d’etre for being here and finding that ‘thing’ I am seeking…
In one of my entries I spoke about how there are immutable traits that a potential partner must have for me to consider a relationship with someone. They aren’t things that I am pleading for or requesting for; either they have them or they don’t.
School has reminded me that things aren’t okey-doke for me… but all still isn’t lost. Being by alone means that all or nearly all of my energies are marshaled towards targets that I have set for myself. And while it may seem like I am still running through complex thoughts, I am really not, as relative to how I used to see things. Instead of wondering like Mulder where everything connects and knows where the truth is, I shrug my shoulders and go on about my business.
With all that being said… I am going to get back to my work and I will be poking out when I take a break. Until then… see y’all later (unless I see you first!).