I have been up most nights this week (and the usual early morning wake ups) and it is today that the doldrums that I was going through last week has broken up and I am feeling better. Though I have not mentioned it that often, but I reference periods like that as ‘heavy interference’ because there is so much static scratching at my brain. This episode felt like what I would call a ‘brain cloud’ passing through, and now it has broken up.
For me the term ‘brain cloud’ referenced the feeling after being hit with a ‘particular’ punch and the effects would follow me out of the ring and stay with me for a few days. I had envisioned the bruising that had taken place passing through the hemispheres of my brain and the blackened blood breaking up the same way a light bruise breaks up beneath the surface of the skin. See, I KNEW the environment I was getting into and the risks that were involved. But I don’t know what kind of life it is without some risks… I am like, ‘well, what is it that YOU want in your life?’ There is some risk involve in too much to say anything is risky. Everyone does a value judgment and I have done and evaluated many of mine. There are things that other people have done and continue to do that as sketchy as some of my past acts are, I am like, “…but I would never do THAT sh*t!” This is part of the reason I suggest to people that ‘they can keep their problems to themselves because I’ve got my own’. I am not trying to get into a contest where I am trying to top your troubles or show how much more pressure I have to cope with because I am simply going to get after what I am going to get after.
So even with my mentioning that I was experiencing a case ofthe late-year blues and how foreign that it felt to me, it isn't always taken into consideration by others that even as they have to face and overcome dragons, that the only dragon in the world is the one that is in front of them and that no one else has any of their own to slay. That is why when my on-line friend was able to address my inappropriatenesswith restraint but making it clear that they were upset by my words, I was able to do my part in trying to make things right.
But it is also worth noting that my friend is also of a different era and has a different set of values than most of my contemporaries. I don’t know about any of you, but when I think of the character of those in his age group and my Mom’s, I always come back to the Mike Singletary’s press conference and that “…thinking it’s about them and not the team,” to describe how they can put off their ego and to consider for a moment what something it truly worth and to make the step to be gracious enough to provide the opportunity for forgiveness, rather than seek readdress for their impugned pride. That is because it is ‘all about them’. With that seeming to be a prevailing attitude, here I am, living at a time where I have to think about me a little, not because I am selfish but because thinking about pretty much ANYTHING takes effort for me.
MAINLY BECAUSE I LIKE McDONALD’S… A LOT..!
Actually I prefer Burger King, but to get the desired effect, I used Mickey D’s in my reasoning for joining the service.
See, after the abolition of the draft, the Army (as well as the other branches of service) became a de facto security apparatus for the 0.5% and their corporate interests. Still, knowing that as well as I thought I knew at the time, I could not keep myself from volunteering for duty. As much as I love you Mary, I am not going to volunteer for soup kitchen detail on my own, or any big coat drives. In short, being a ‘giving’ person and connecting to all,does not register with me. But I have said it before and will again, if I was in ‘wherever, East Coast’ with Mary and her good friend, she certainly could call on me and I will be ‘shakin’ it over’ wherever she asks me to be.
What? What do you want of me?? A few weeks ago riding my bike to pick up my medicine I saw some ladies in the drug store parking lot changing a tire. I stopped and with my ‘expertise’ (because I have none of that when it comes to mechanical anything), I helped them change their tire. Though Omaha is one of the friendlier and helpful places I have ever been, no one offered to help these ladies out before I got there. In fact, I think it was a matter of time… I just know that when I saw I could lend a hand, and that is what I did.
One of the things that I think my experience with life has been instructing me on is that when I have a good idea that I should stick with it. Whatever changes that needs to be made will occur naturally, as the world spins and as I continue to move forward down my path (because, after all, the one not taken bent in the undergrowth and led to ‘who knows where?’. I have spoken about it in a previous entry how my initial plan was to limit my interactions with the opposite sex to Nebraska and if that did not work out, que sera. But upon my arrival here, I was like, ‘I think you out to think about it,’ and I have, as many of you already know. See, while the incidentals to my initial model have evolved as the environment around me has changed, the main idea still remains unaltered.
FINDING A HAPPY PLACE
I warn people when we first get to know one another that I know I am going to mess up and occasionally piss the off, not so I can excuse being a butt-head, but that I have to learn where the limits are from where my ‘acceptable’ crosses over to your ‘annoying’. And believe it or not, the same thing has to take place in the reverse… forgiveness will be reciprocated because you have to get to know me.
The point of that is one of the reasons that trying to look for love in someone I already knew made sense to me, because someone like Nebraska (for INSTANCE!! Not for any other reason!!) would already know that I can be a jerk off, but that it was very likely not intentional. Not only that, they would realize all the other unmistakably positive things about me and would help me to further cultivate and refine those qualities.
I’M A GOOD GUY FOR A GAL..!
Shee-oot! It ain’t like a smurf ain’t had trouble finding a chick before!! But that was when I operated much differently and I lived according to a different paradigm.
I spoke about my soldiering and apathy for volunteering to illustrate a point. I get sacrifice and I understand that I should want to help my fellow man, I get that stuff. But what I also want ‘you’ to get is that I don’t like getting dirty, hanging around bland, unappetizing (to me) food is nauseating for me, and I would rather stay away from tools of any kind. But I do want to help and give to the community. What’s a smurf to do?
My interest in the military I think is a part of my youthful precociousness. There were influences all around me but I was pre-adolescent watching ‘The World At War’ and I did not think twice about doing Army ROTC in high school. Maybe I won’t help clean up a vacant lot or go pick up used clothes and bring them back, but I would die for you. There isn’t a doubt in my mind that if you needed my help and you called on me, that I would show up no matter the personal cost. And there are people who know this about me, so I don’t sweat the small stuff like being called ‘selfish’ by people who don’t know a cat. What that does, when you have CO2 alarm go off (which would cost me that month’s check), or to make their way to a wedding that would insure that I spent a year scraping by (not to discount those who have helped me out in crucial times, but why can’t I say this if only for effect?), say about me? Then there are the things that ‘we know that YOU don’t know’, which I have done for people regardless of how ‘out’ the action may have ‘put me’.
If someone would be willing to ‘help me to help them’, I am pretty sure what kind of person they would get for a partner. A little understanding and compassion is all I am talking about, and even then, not that much. I am a pretty repentant cat so when you catch me up in a mistake, more likely than not, I am going to admit to it. Because I know that I would do the same with you.
When I have to factor in my condition, then my desire for that understanding goes from a ‘looked for trait’, to being a requirement of my potential partner. And if that is too steep a toll for someone to pay… all I can say is, “Oh well.”
ONE FOR THE ROAD
Okay, on my way back in from the west side of town a little white lady was sitting at the bus stop, with a case of the mopes ‘n sniffles. I asked her what was wrong and she told me how she was threatened with eviction and how unfair it was that it was occurring now, so close to Christmas. She now had to scrounge around for money and it was going to deprive her daughter (at 18, I don’t know what she would expect of Santa given their what’s what, but that’s not for me to say) of her gifts. She started sniffling and what else could I do but give her a hug and let her cry on my shoulder? After a few minutes she pulled herself together and thanked me for my understanding.
Not trying to say anything… just sayin’ and it IS my diary!