TO THE EDGE OF PANIC(Terminator X-it!)
I use that phrase from the song by P.E. to describe the feeling of my being pushed to the fringes of my abilities OR to the ends of my personal beliefs. Physically, there is a ‘suddenness’ to the rush of fatigue that I can go from fully aware and conscious to numbingly tired in the blink of an eye. This past weekend was an example of what I go through. Not only do I get tired, but I also begin to ache in discomfort, if not actual pain. Now I don’t think it is fibromyalgia because it does not coincide with the clinic clinical definition. Besides I have enough pain and muscle soreness stuff to get me by (which is another reason my aches and pains can’t be fibro… because the pain can be alleviated) and if I do get the chance to finally obey what the doctor orders…
...'CAUSE I'M STILL CHILL
Coping with the change of pressures in the atmosphere is how mankind has been able to explore the Earth from its deepest depths to its greatest heights. It may be a tad bit of sacrilege for me to invoke this, but I pretty much thought that ANYONE who is willing to walk through the valley of the shadows… gets to say that there is nothing that they fear.
For me being alone means I get to make my mistakes and bear my pains without the half-hearted consideration from people. See, no one can understand a vision except the one who has the vision. Other visionaries do understand how that the process is unique for each person and that you only need to ‘be there’ when you are needed. That is one of the strongest memories I took from college… it was positive energy there for you to do what YOU came to do! That is what everyone had in common, going for what they saw in their own field. That was an atmosphere where the ‘you got my back and I got your front’ joint, sung for ‘all the killas and the hundred dolla bill-ahs’ more than just a hood phrase. Like hip-hop, it was something we LIVED.
When you have people who are brought together with the same general goal, you have the opportunity to learn from the next level. That is another place in the dimension where time ‘freezes’, the ‘time of timelessness’, where you are almost numb to everything that isn’t on your way to your goal, you are so focused.
AGAIN… PRETTY PLEASE, WITH SUGAR ON TOP…
Even as the were people believe they have the of best intentions, I have to let people know how I think. For the most part, if it is something that I ‘think’, it may as well be something that I ‘know’. I strive not to guess at things, but should I be reduced to guessing, it is my ‘guess’ that yours is not as good as mine. It was too late for the bullsh*t they were talking and I had the one lone audience with them. Though I won’t ‘redo’ the past by filling in the words as they escape me, the process hasn’t change for my personal success. Because...
YOU ARE EITHER NEXUS OR AGAINST US
And now we get to the title of this post. There is such an infinitesimal amount of space between the differences of the two comparisons that if you did not ‘get it’, then, as far as my analog life you know the answer to the question of whether your application for inclusion into my inner life has been approved or not.
When I say for those who sleep under the same roof or want to maintain an individual, committed relationship, I have to say this is not something I am looking for but a demand. Things aren’t going to be easy and they aren’t counted on to be pretty. But if you embrace the challenge of the difficulties that may await, then you can imagine your success.
Along with my general sh*ttiness and a$$holitis that infected my relationships and contributed to their fail, the other annoying and mysterious things that confounded me about women is this: That the cultural meme, or one of them, is that men are stuck in their juvenile stage and not ready for the weight of relationships. Men have no drive and lack ‘manliness’, something that is observable by the amount of time spent either playing World of Warcraft, managing whatever fantasy team in the fantasy sport of the season, managing do it all from the basement of their Mother’s house. Maannn….
I have always had something going for me whenever I met someone, my ex, Delta, Mookie Dee BOTH times… and the only one who responded the way that anyone should when hanging out with someone who is out to write their name on the tree of life, was Tee Jay… and I would end up dropping the game-winning catch.
When I think about a relationship… there is just so big a difference between what is being offered for what I can bring into someone’s life that the offers are insulting. There is a lot of air in what I see and it is simple for me… like Carson Palmer, I would rather retire than pretend that what is on the table is ever worth my interest, let alone to negotiate terms…