April was one of the crueler months I have had in a long time and in some ways it was reminiscent of the reference in the first five lines made of this poem by T.S. Eliot. As things fell away from me like the skin of a serpent sloughing off to reveal the new growth beneath, the energy and the pain I went through burned in every sinew of my body. There were days where the pulsing of my heart throbbed as if it was synched to the aches that went as deep as my thoughts.
But I am not complaining. I am jus’ sayin’… I am no stranger to struggle and this is different from the agony of having to watch the strain of my efforts go unappreciated, even if the depth from where I summon the resolve to fulfill an obligation is never fully understood.
There are so many dimensions of my life touched by my injury. My cognitive, emotional and neurological areas are impaired and are prone to a misfire. For instance, taking my assessment test I did not fully grasp the instructions and that mistake cost me points. Fortunately, there was no time limit on the testing, and I took my time and broke down each section according to the instructions and worked through each question, slowly and steadily.
I know I mentioned what took place during testing but it bears repeating in order for me to make the point that I did not flinch from my task nor fall prey to my anxieties. But if you read the link, you would understand at how common issues that many would think to identify and think to empathize, does my trials no justice. Rather than insult a well-meaning person as they diminish my condition through comparison with their own experience, I just as soon let ‘you do you’ and if you keep your problems to yourself, I will keep mine to me.
When I think back to my struggles over the last few weeks, I get to pat myself on the back because I not only did not bail, but I asked for no relief either. I was a child when the story of Job set itself inside of me and I think about the strength and spirit that he displayed as he suffered his torments. Maybe it wasn’t cool that he went through what he did, but in his restoration, he emerged from trial increased.
The one thing that I did not understand was some of the questioning that Job did as he was tormented and throughout his suffering. Because this is my diary, I don’t ‘count’ this as kvetching and asking of an entity ‘why me’, because it IS me, this is what IS happening and it IS my experience.
When I wonder where things went askew for me, I think back to some of the fundamental relationships in my life, with my immediate family and my ex-wife, and how they have shaped my world. All, or nearly all, of my ‘trust issues’ can be encapsulated in those relationships BUT I don’t see them as the source of anything other than examples of what I don’t want in my life. Being free of my sense of fidelity to my sibs and any legacy that may have been inherited has allowed me to feel as free as my ceiling will allow.
And there is a ceiling, as I have mentioned before, and it has really made itself noticeable since I have been in Omaha, particularly in April. But out of difficulty comes opportunity. You do know that I really believe that kind of mess don’t you? It is disheartening to hear people talk about what they can and can’t do, no matter what sphere of existence they are dealing with. Man, there is so much that I want to say but I don’t because once a limit has been placed on what a person can do, they are the only one who can remove it.
That is why I simply say that I would rather be alone than ‘I don’t want anyone in my life’. Nebraska flits in and out of my days enough, so it isn’t like there isn’t a prescence or anything resembling a partner around. If I should happen to get lonely for real, I can call her, the SFC or maybe I will bother someone online for company. I just don’t know because I am not there.
BUT… if someone does step up and want to be the ‘new Miss What’s Happening’… cross that bridge when I come to it. But for now, I am going to tighten up my abs and anxiously await fall classes..!