Thursday, January 6, 2011

BACK TO BASICS

STRETCH OUT AND WAIT

Since I first decided to put my thoughts out here in the interwebz there have been a few things that I had hoped to accomplish along with making the kind of connections to people that were not present in my life as I developed my on-line presence. Other than the mid-nineties, for the most part I have been ‘out here only when I’ve considered myself ‘single’ and available for not only a friendship but the ubiquitous ‘or something more’. Back to the main point as that is a topic I hope to go into at length another time, writing in a journal supplanted my expression on the AOL Black Voices Message boards, which went through a change that left me unimpressed. The community had begun to degrade and I felt out of place, as I am not a shouter on-line or otherwise.

A few years would pass before I felt the need to again reach out and satisfy my compulsion to be a part of something. I was feeling suppressed and wanted to reach out to make sure that I was still a human ‘being’ and not a sack of blood, bones, organs and tissue sheathed in beige-tan colored skin. My beginning steps were furtive and I had not been aware of what had begun to happen with to me concerning my injury when I started. In fact, I still was boxing when as I began scribbling in my journal. Fortunately, I enjoyed (and still do) reading other people’s stories and one of the first journals I began to read regularly was Russ’ journal, ‘Inner and Outer Demons’. I picked him back up following his hiatus at 'Inner and Outer Demons 2' and if I say so myself, it is a decidedly more upbeat and positive journal and I hope it really is a reflection the place he is in right now, spiritually. He would give me ‘blog love’ and then there would be more folks who would stumble around and follow my story of loving (which is not the same as ‘being IN love’) the Mook’s in the provincial town that I once (and had before) jogged ‘round, despite Mookie Dee checking out of the relationship without saying anything to me about her discontent.

I was not bothered by her ‘tipping out’ on me as it was her lack of forthrightness when it came to our relationship.  It was not as though I was inclined to 'fight for us' (whatever that means... people say things like that when relationships begin to peel away like weathered dried paint from the wood on a park bench but what can they really be fighting for?) because whatever her reasons that she had for not wanting anything with me, I was like, ‘woman up’ and let a brother know?  Because they could have been tied to past resentments for our previous relationship as high schoolers, I hope to shoe why she was the first (and essentially the last) person that I had not even had as much as a ‘one for the road kiss’ with.  I am certain of two things: I left people with a lot of reasons to still feel warmly about me and I had also left people with reasons to want to scratch my eyes out… often, people were left with both set of emotions towards me at the same time. There was no reason for me to doubt that she had her reasons for some ‘get back’. She would say to me that she ‘thought I was taking care of business’, when I asked her about our sex life or the lack of it, more or less.  Yeah, whatever.



Journaling about how I was dealing with what was going on in that relationship and still being a parental figure (to lil’ Mook) at the same time I was coping with MY parental issues (The ex-wife and Pecan Sandie were particularly filled with dramatic confrontations… Nixxie, KT, and I have never had issues of any kind marring our relationships) became a release. I was unable to talk with Mookie Dee about ‘us’ and I feel the reason for that was no different many others and are often a part of the intricacies that unravel when a relationship begins to turn. Some of the frustrations I had would creep into my entries, but for the most part I think that I was mostly a positive kind of guy even then. Eventually I would take leave of that relationship and of any connections to them, nope, not as much as a phone call… IT IS NO BIG DEAL, trust me.

We'd go our separate ways and I was mostly a ‘bop-bop-boppin’’ along to Omaha when the SFC Facebooked me as Nebraska and I had one of our (apparently, despite the both of us hoping to avoid them) periodic meltdowns… and with the complete ex-list planning being one that consisted of there being a ‘darkhorse candidate’ that would come into my life ‘win the race’ and appropriately, it would be the SFC who would change the plans that I had made. Though things did not work out as we had hoped in NOVA, I was able to reconnect with a person who never has to wonder what they mean to me, nor I to them. There is nothing that would supersede our relationship; such is the strength that binds our lives together. I’d never choose against her and that is that with that.


THE SHADOWS…

Before I got hit on my bike I had wanted to talk a little bit about my approach to change in light of the resolution season being upon us. The plan was to carry things over to my other blog and I was going to talk about an approach to raising the level of physical fitness, which I thought would have been timely. A new season of ‘The Biggest Loser’ has kicked off and the contestants keep getting larger and I am convinced that the weight loss they engineer on the show is unrealistic. Because I wanted to post a photo of me in the gym to show where I am working with as well as state my fitness goals to contrast and compare me at ‘whatever weight’ to me at my goal weight for May, which is 210.

The connection that I make with becoming more fit (and subsequently, more healthy) the military and sports, is that they all take calculations and there are none too small that won’t eventually show up as a great difference. The payoff usually comes incrementally and no matter how sudden it is on the outside, there were a lot of small things that built to the objective. I like to think that being able to understand that overnight changes are rare, I am able to keep from being (too) impatient and let things take their course. A good deal of my confidence is derived from allowing the positive steps that I make today develop into a habit that I will benefit from tomorrow. Another thing that I think is a part of my character that I had the opportunity to highlight by being a member of the service and in athletics is that I don’t give up and I do have a ‘stick-to-it’ attitude.

But I am going to tell you that my attitude is buttressed by a grasp of what is for real and that is where I am at today. It could well be that this IS a little bit beyond my ability and that life has shown me in several non-lethal but clear ways, that maybe I am operating a bit beyond myself. Thing about that is, there is only one way to find out…

…eh, I guess there are worse things than living as a warning to others of what not to do!! When I get up to strength (I am still struggling… takes a full day to actually get dressed and get outside for whatever) I will be making the rounds, stopping by and adding my two cents and generally being a well-intentioned if a bit bit clumsy, friend. Take care and thanks for dropping by!!

8 comments:

Toon said...

Leaving people with two opposite sets of emotions towards you is an interesting phenomenon -- and pretty relatable one too.

Lovebabz said...

Happy New Year!

You are quite fascinating.

Her Side said...

Hello, Mark. I stopped by to do some catch-up reading.

I love how you point out that all things are calculated - and even the small things have the potential to show-up later as big issues (and I assume you were referring to mind, body, and soul) :-)

Happy New Year to you!

Bucko (a.k.a., Ken) said...

Glad you have patience, you will get back to where you need to be. I have faith in you.

Myra said...

Take it slow, let your body heal; you have time to think about how it'll all work out, and I'm sure it will! Take care...

Joann said...

Stopped by to say hi.

I'm glad you are here... 'on the web'. = ) Take care!

Sarcastic Bastard said...

Discipline is a great quality to have. I do not possess it.

Love you. Happy New Year, buddy!

SB

CareyCarey said...

Whatsup,

I'm just stopping by and doing a little reading. I don't have a long comment today (which we both know is odd). Well, you said it all, so there's nothing I can say or should say.

But man, whatsup with Sonny Liston wearing Santa's hat?