Well long time readers are aware that after a fairly cogitative post with a theme that people can relate to like my previous entry, it is usually the sign that I go off on one of my tangents and write about different topics that may be unrelated to a casual observer but for me, have a lot in common to one another.
There haven’t been many things said to me that I feel were really accurate assessments of any part of my character. One of the twins remarked that my darling brother and I both had ‘a charisma’ and she was being completely un-ironic, not that she was trying to channel the weird lady from the David Lee Roth video. Another time, a cat who I was a sparring partner for and happened to be at the time one of the candidates for the mythical ‘pound-for-pound’ title was puttin’ one on me and the boys real good one day during training. The other two cats were pulling up lame and feigning distress to get out of their work. But me, I was in shape and I had been running in the same mountains as the champ… besides, I HAD A FIGHT to get sharp for... I wasn’t going anywhere!
So I sucked it up, put in my rounds and took up a couple of the other rounds that the other cats quit on. Yes Madeline, he beat the crap out of me… I hadn’t had that much blood that belonged on me splattered all over my body since my trip through the birth canal. But I kept telling him during the session that, “I ain’t goin’ nowhere”, and brought what I knew wasn’t enough to him. Later that day on the gaming floor of one of the casino’s, the cat came up to me with the other sparring partners and members of the training camp and gave me a compliment of sorts… calling me the “…the TRYINGEST n*gga he had ever seen”. That, along with sucking it up and doing what I had to do in the Army has let me know that I have all the character that many people search their lives for in me.
If ever it seems that I am getting a bit sniffly and whiny, forgive me and let me do my thing. Trust me, my orientation is set and just as a compass points true north, I will spin around to where I am supposed to be headed. I mention this because on Monday I did not feel like doing too much of anything. Stuff was on my mind and unlike the things that bothered me while hangin’ with the Mooks or my travails in NOVA with the SFC, though the thoughts bordered on anxiety, I could not tell myself to leave my apartment. Don’t despair just yet, because I have had these moments occur before and the remedy that has worked has been to write that day off and make sure to get up and out after it the next day. Not to press or worry about a day that I lost of on my own accord, but to drive on.
That is why I had so much back and forth with the wedding. While the results (good standing with my family… got to show off Nebraska) was the right one, it was that I would incur repercussions for trying to do something that did not have any overt value to me that got to me. Yes, I am hoping that should things get dicey and ‘whatever’ that I can call on either a twin or my Pops; I don’t want to be pressed to do that. I wanted to get off to a better start here and that was one of the impediments to having that good start. I worry less about the situations that I have inherited because of my own aspirations.
AS USUAL, I’VE DIGRESSED
Tee Jay made the astute and penetrating comment on my mien, describing me as ‘eclectic’. I thought that was the most comprehensive assessment on me as a person, as a human being, that anyone had ever made. So it is unsurprising that she is the archetype for me when regarding someone who would qualify as a ‘person of intimate interest’. And that is going to be the word that I replace ‘random’ to accompany my ‘thoughts’ with. This is the first of my ‘eclectic thoughts’, things that I admit have been cobbled together out of lint and loose thread.
The recent piece on ’60 Minutes’ about people with ‘autobiographical memory’ hit me like a stiff jab on the nose. It caught my attention because of the things that I had in common with the people that were profiled, mild OCD (that AKA would mention on occasion) among them. Maryliu Henner, of the television show ‘Taxi’ and correspondent Leslie Visser’s friend was one of the people profiled.
I was slightly disappointed that it wasn’t more personal or talked in depth with on their personal lives. There was one other woman with three other men who had this ability and there were other interesting things about the group.
First thing I noticed was that the women were attractive, the other woman being a concert violinist. As far as the men… they looked like they came from central casting for ‘weird outcast guy in the library or bookstore’. But even allowing for that, only Marilu had any success in relationships. The violinist, Louise Owen, noted that it was difficult when you literally remember EVERYTHING to have a relationship with a typical person with faulty memory. What I was hoping to find out was if their memory was attached to a feeling or an emotion. I know that for me, that is how my memory has always worked. Even as a child, it seemed that I ‘held on’ to everything, and could remember cards and was a wiz at memory games. It seemed that this ability would emerged when they would reach late childhood, pre-pubescence … and at that time in my life I was playing ice hockey and would start boxing. Connection..? I am jus’ sayin’… because when it came to my school work, it seemed I could look through something once and when the test came, the information would ‘appear’ in my mind. That is how one of the super memory people described how days would come to them and the group agreed with him.
Anywho, getting back to the intimation that their super memory has an adverse effect on their emotional connection with people, I wanted one of them to speak on the emotional connection of their thoughts with the events of the day as well as to their ability to be intimate with another person. Because while I may not be able to give someone details, I still remember what I feel… and that is the memory that leeches out when I faced with circumstances or events… or the PEOPLE who are attached to those things that mean something to me.
I know what I felt when I have hurt someone… along with the empathy that I have for their pain. When it came to not messin’ around with a woman who was vulnerable from our break up, THAT is what kept me from ever going back … as well as whatever personal issues I had with that person.
*sigh* Just what was on my mind and part of what makes up the ‘why’ I don’t think I want to be in a relationship with someone I don’t know. I have good memories of people and understood that I need to not to make someone feel like I did in our earlier coupleship. What I don’t think people realize or take responsibility for when it comes to exes hooking back up owning their contribution to the fail. That requires of person to look inside themselves and admit their own unforced errors.