Friday, October 8, 2010

The Famewhore Squirrel Welcomes....

The Famewhore Squirrel Welcomes Motherfuckers to Sarcastic Bastard: More Shit SB Says to the Lovely Ms. Moon: "More Sh*t SB Says to the Lovely Ms. Moon

You just like who you like. I've had that happen lots in my life. I also instantly DISLIKE a few people. The Moms always says: Some people will like you no matter what, and some people will dislike you no matter what. Who gives a sh*t? It all works out."

I have sorta been floundering to write a post today, mainly because I am not sure if it is in line with the challenge I am involved in.  Sure, I feel happy and will prolly feel happy tomorrow as well.  But a comment that was left the other day that asked if I was 'giving up' on relationships had me thinking...

Friday has been a beautiful fall day in the Motor, but the light breezes still have a foreboding crispness to it that heralds the colder days to come in November and say nothing of the winds of December.  Autumn is one of the most overrated seasons to me, what with the leaves falling everywhere and the creeping darkness that comes with it.  Sure there is the beauty of the sunset dappling leaves flecked with the fall colors, but it doesn't move me any. 

That said, today happened to be glorious, though days like this is on the wane.  I was riding out to Livonia to pick up a birthday card for Pecan Sandie, mother of my youngest daughter, Lexxie.  I send her and Nixxie cards on their birthdays because I like them and think a lot of them for letting me and our girls have a relationship.  Our story is a slippery piece of work and while I would only have a thumbnail to offer anyone inquiring about the intricacies of what's what, I was thinking that I don't want to have to talk about how it came to be, my having three daughters by three different women in two different parts of the country.  No matter how I would explain how things came to be, it is doubtful that I would find anyone who had any empathy for my caddish behavior in my late 20's.  Being that reckless is unfathomable as well as inexcusable, and that is where listening to Michael Vick motivated me to write about him.  Because like Mike, there are some people that are going to think that 'I ain't sh*t', and nothing I am going to do is ever going to change that. 

I will retract my 'like' for Mike Vick, and replace it with a respect for his growth.  The reason that I don't like him and didn't before his Bad Newz Kennel story broke, is that he resembled the kind of cat who would not necessarily pick at me but did contribute to the environment that makes up for the toxic atmosphere contributing to the spate of suicides by teens and young people of non-traditional sexual orientation.  The cat that I didn't like can still be seen in him, but geez, he sold me on his contrition, that he lost so much (threatened his career and bankrupted him as well) and had paid his debt to society (again, can't be overstated because he served more time than the average felon for his crime), I felt after watching him that I WOULD BE a hypocrite if I did not take what my saw in his interview, into my 'who cares' accounting.

Sticking with the theme borrowed from the 'Sarcastic One's' post, I have lived most of my life accepting that indeed, some people weren't going to like me no matter what.  And when I say 'most of my life', that is what I mean.  There was always something for lil' kids to pick on, and whether it was because of me (which I readily accept the responsibility for) or them (because the world ISN'T flat, dontcha know!!) I didn't care as long as I was right for me.  The only question is, when it all works out, HOW does it work out?

In a recent post about the Jill I saw at the gym and being alone, I got a comment that asked if I was 'giving up' on relationships and how would I go through life without the company of someone special and their touch, gentle caresses shared on chilly winter nights and picnic beneath the trees in the spring.

My first thought was to say, 'I don't know', but that isn't right.  It is more that the language needed to express it in a clear and simply way, might be out of reach.  But I am going to try and if any of this sounds contrary to the challenge you are mistaken, because there is a sense of liberation that comes with these thoughts.  And when is feeling free not a good thing?

Mizrepresent asked :  So, does that mean that you have completely given up? Or just taking a break? I love being alone, but i don't cherish the loneliness...i want to hold hands, go for walks, have someone to go to movies with, have dinner, cook dinner, embrace, cuddle, enjoy life like a normal person...i know i deserve this and so do you. Hope it works out.

I don't consider myself as 'giving up' as much as I am going to be 'inactive' when it comes to playing in the game of love.  Perhaps I will be a 'call up' at some point and become an active participant, but when I think of putting together the next ten years of my life, sharing time with someone special is not something that gets a lot of attention from me.  What I am really thinking is that if I get on the right path, the right person will appear.  That is pretty much how it has worked for me and I don't have any reason to expect that it won't.  What is different is that I won't be 'looking' as much, if at all, to see if there are 'sparks', you know?  Missing the touch of another person... eh, for the much of the past four years I really haven't had that and when you add up my totals for the decade and remember I had WEEKS where I spent time with as many women in the prior ten years, I would say that I am used to being not only alone, but celibate as well.  And I know that there are millions and billions of folks who are in that boat, for whatever reason.
Regarding Nebraska, I don't know... sort was saving thoughts about that once I started to becoming acclimated to Omaha and with her being a relative arms length away.  As it is, the mixed messages we have been having aren't all about her... I mean, I can definitely be an a**hole, if given a chance, and each time I open my mouth the chance for me to be a jerk comes to life.  I like to think I am truly a nice guy, but I also know that becoming a 'nice guy' is a reaction to the 'lil' Mike Vick and friends' of my life.  For me, being nice kept some of the worst of the taunts from being visited on me.  I don't know or care if my being nice is a result consequence of my days of torment as a kid or if being a a**hole is.  What I do know is that I like who I am and I only get to be that person when I am alone and not engaged in anything more than a perfunctory relationship with people.
At the end of my stay in 'the provinical town that I once jogged 'round', the key elements that made me think about staying, were the relationships I had that meant anything to me, was strong.  I had a rapport with my therapist and my physician, and was developing one with the folks who were part of the Rehabilitative Services, guiding me with employment advice and school.  I would like to think that once I get those same kind of relationships established, I will be able to feel more confident and secure with being in Omaha.
I don't want to worry about the complexities of a intimate relationship right now... I am very intimidated at the prospect of the demands that comes with maintaining the binding that comes with 'whatever' you call early 40's and late 30's something having.  Being 'the road team' has its own problems... and like Jay , I already have 99 problems... why potentially add to that?


Annie said...

You are being smart to stay away from something right now when you are pondering and analyzing so much emotionally.

You are doing a lot of work in trying to find your own comfort zone, your own footing despite the people who you don't like and the people you do -- and vice-versa, which just IS, a chemical reaction of sorts betwween souls.

It's normal to have good days of independence, followed by not-as-happy days where we miss being touched and connecting emotionally and physically.

And people like different seasons for emotional reasons too. I'm glad you give your voice to knowing what moves you and what doesn't. Our preferences shape us, and we find commonalities in those who understand because they feel the same way.
And that being said, that you still had a glorious fall day today.

Please don't compare yourself to Michael Vick. You are so hard on yourself, Mark. Be gentle. I suspoect you are doing your very best to make amends where you can, and hurt or resentful where you can't.

Being alone until your problems /solutions ratio improves makes a lot of sense. And it will imporove over time as you continue on the path to learning like you are.

That corgi :) said...

I don't see you giving up on relationships right now, Mark; I see you realizing the season ahead might be a good one to adapt to new environments without taking on everything that comes with a relationship. If I'm correct, this is the weekend you move on towards Nebraska; wishing you safe travels and a really good experience in Nebraska! I hope it all goes well.


mrs. miss alaineus said...

i dont think it's so much that you are stepping back with having a relationship with a chick, i think it;s more like you are focusing on having that relationship with yourself. if you dont have your health and your balance, it makes everything else so much harder. sorry for not commenting much lately, we are cheering you on from the -089.


Bucko (a.k.a., Ken) said...

Focus on your transition, and as you said, as you get your things in place in Omaha, the rest will follow.