Friday, August 27, 2010

ABOUT ME

WHY PONDER LIFE'S COMPLEXITIES?

Because it takes me away from the anguish of my own life. Things that happen to make me feel ill seem to conspire and wage a constant battle against my psyche. I know that it did not used to be so, but now...

It brings relief and means (to me, anyway) that I am functioning like the man that I KNOW and love. I worry about him because he is different and there are things about him that will never be the same. Being able to discuss some of the overflow in my awareness has always been a sign that I was relatively untroubled. I cannot say that this year.

Even as Mookie Dee and I wound down and the tension in the house kept me up nights, it did not get to me as much as I am 'being got to' now. Couple of things were different about 'then' compared to 'now'. One, I was in a purpose filled role as part of a parenting unit. That was fun and it allowed for me to work through other issues of mine.

Second, I was in therapy. I have spoken how I felt that I benefitted from my stint in it and how I am also aware that it does not benefit everyone. Being that I had tangible results ( I still have an 'advice' from my Doctor that I look at when I do get flustered and 'confustrated') from my stint, I cautiously would recommend it for someone who was dealing with an emotional crisis. As to why I was perscribed therapy, I think it is a pre-emptive thing for people who have brain injury. There are all kinds of issues that people who aren't in the club can't possibly understand, such as why depression is a huge worry for me.

There is no template in my life's experience for the feelings that are associated with depression, so there is no 'mental muscle memory' for me to fall back on. It feels more like the very first time riding a roller coaster only this happens to be the highest and the most fear-inducing ever. Sometimes I worry about how well I can cope, because there have been several major, life changing incidents that did not make me feel as I have felt in the last few years since my diagnosis, and they could have sent me spiraling, and understandably so.

When I decided to give the possibility of a relationship one more go, it was done so with hesitancy. At the time I was still boxing professionally, thinking I could put together a few wins, maybe get a decent payday or two, and put some money back into my depleted nest egg. Needless to say, that did not happen and my life begin to take on water. I was not bothered by that as much as I was by my then-partner, Mookie Dee. The purpose of my wanting to be alone goes back to an initial theory which I touched on last issue. I wanted to get my stuff together and be what I needed to be for myself, letting THAT person be the one who meets the next Mrs. Mark Johnson. Failing either getting myself togther (and being unworthy of someone's high draft choice and guranteed contract) or finding someone who would partner with me and get back into things with me, I would go it alone.

Before I knew what I know now about me, I was no longer willing to try to be in a relationship because I did not want to risk what few opportunities (because I still think there are a couple of tricks up my sleeve) on failing in a romance. And this should help long time readers understand a little more why I was always okay with Nebraska and I being friends. Besides, I think I may have forgotten exactly how to BE in love.

I do know I have been there. But since I had wanted to move away from the idea before my relationship with Mookie Dee and could only half-heartedly continue on fulfilling my own prophecy with AKA, SD, and Tee Jay, heading to Nebraska meant I would not have to worry about the associated complications of involvement in with anyone.

AKA was 'practice'. I could do things for and with her without feeling an obligation because we were 'something more'. The understanding we had was that we were 'friends' and that neither would expect more of the other. Besides, she has her own mental health issues that would have prevented me or anyone else from getting but so close to her.

Her tantrum that occured via Facebook last summer, only verified what I had confirmed about her. Because I was not as deeply invested in her and did not feel I led her on in any way, I was good with the way things ended between us. Tee Jay, as much as I loved her, I was still able to keep from making an idiot (also in part to a dream I had) out of myself and could walk away with both my pride and dignity intact. Same with SD, who despite her shrillness, is still cool and every blue moon, we trade email.

Then the SFC came in a was simply the game changer I had predicted would come into my life. I had mentioned that there would be a 'darkhorse' would would enter my life, much like the darkhorse that Disreali wrote of in his book, that would rush by the grandstand in 'sweeping triumph'. Nebraska and I had a spat at the time, so I believe I was getting something that I asked for.

I can't call my stay in Virginia a 'fail' because I have regained a true friend. As to the chemistry between us, perhaps it was only enough for us to maintain our friendship. Who knows because I had such a difficult time in Virginia what the deal really was. Anywho, here I am and the course heading is once again, Nebraska.

THIS TIME, IN SPITE OF THE DIFFICULTIES

Forging on to Omaha. Most of my stuff is there, all my music and what few books I had left. I want my things, sorta.

The most crucial thing that I have is peace of mind. Though both Hutch and Nebraska noticed that I seemed 'better' than the last time they had seen me, it was when an uninvolved third party, the owner of the bike shop, said that I looked and sounded 'better' that I was more confident about how I am doing.

Because it contrasts how I am feeling. I dare not mention how 'low' my spirits are, fearing that they can sink lower, in accordance with Schoepanuer and his observation of pain and intelligence ( Nature shows that with the growth of intelligence comes increased capacity for pain, and it is only with the highest degree of intelligence that suffering reaches its supreme point... ) and things become unbearable for me.

So I will 'volunteer' for certain projects in my life, but I am loathe to feel conscripted and therefore obligated to participate in projects of anyone else's. I want for me and my best interest to be my priority and though this seems like a matter of course, I know there are people who understand what I am trying to say. What I think and feel is crucial to me and my well being is what I want to shape my life. There are some things that simply lie outside of those boundaries and seeking close, intimate relationships are one of them and it is possible that view of that belief could change, but I don't see it happening in the near future.

COMING SOON: CH-CH-CH-CHANGES!!(in attitude, and it is about time, isn't it?)

6 comments:

Jonthy, Alice the uppity white cat's babysitter said...

Mark,
Everyone gets depressed sometimes. I believe in talk therapy. I have had a therapist I trust for over 30 years. Although I can't afford to see him but maybe three times a year, I find that it is always money well spent. As far as intimate relationships go, that's the prize we all search for in life. If we find it even once, we are luckier than most. In most cases, friends are more important than lovers because in time, intimacy is built in trust.

Indigo said...

Therapy played a crucial role in accepting my deafness. I could lambast my therapist with all the anger I had inside, to the point of curbing that anger with everyone else.

He helped me understand at the time, anger can and was justified in my case. The question he had for me was - "Can you use that to your advantage, or are you going to let it keep you submerged in your pain."

Honestly, it became the best tool I had in my arsenal. I truly believe you're trying out different tools yourself, and one of these days you 'will' find the one that works for Mark. (Hugs)Indigo

Mizrepresent said...

Hey Mark,

I wish you the very best...now to catch up on your life :) And thanks for the compliment on Carey's blog.

That corgi :) said...

I always think having someone to talk to objectively, like a therapist, can be very helpful in different seasons in a person's life. both my kids were in therapy for different things over the years and I benefitted from talking to the therapists with them at times. Objective and un-emotional insight into some of the things dealt with in a person's life is often refreshing from someone removed from the scene (does that make sense?) Maybe it would help to talk with someone where you are at Mark, but it does sound like you are on the verge of something good????

betty

Bucko (a.k.a., Ken) said...

Glad you course is clear, that things have been sent, and if you need any help, I am here for you.

Beth said...

It's always good to get feedback and hear that you seem "better." You must be doing something right to elicit such a reaction. L&R