Tuesday, June 29, 2010

RANDOM THOUGHTS WITH THE THREAD FROM THAT NEEDLE

BECAUSE THEY REMINDED ME OF THE CLASH WITH THEIR INTENSITY AND LYRICS




When the lead singer asked me, "Dooooo you remember when you were young
And you wanted to set the world on fire?
"
I thought about the direction I would like to take with my life and how I hope that I am reading my compass correctly.

When I read information on what happens to people with my kind of injury, I end up thinking that it depends on the bias of the author and whoever is paying him for his article. When I stick to more medical and scientific media, there is a more upbeat prognosis outlook on recognition and treatment. But the lay media tends to have a dimmer, fatalistic view of the problem. I think that does so much more harm and takes a lot of hope from people, especially parents of high school athletes who may have had some sort of concussive episode.

For me, it happened that I was sparring and a kid literally knocked a pronunciation into my head. After that I began to pay special attention to articles and stories that talked about the brain. In fact, I still have somewhere an article from the Greensboro News-Record that talked about brain plasticity and how experts in the field of neurology were changing the perspective of the brain as a static organ, one that what you have when you are born is what you got, meaning if you jacked it up, you were stuck with diminished capacity.

Because I know different and have known different for over 20 years, I dared to dance. After all, it doesn't matter how you dance as long as you get up and dance! After doing due diligence, I decided to go on and dance! And I think that attitude along with my character is going to power me through, over or around most of my obstacles.

Now if I am true to achieving, then my velocity will account for things on its own. Good luck is often the result of hard work, focus and constant effort. I am thinking that I can still manage to do those three things and the rest should take care of itself for the most part.

FOR THE REMEMBERING

And for the most part I do. As far as what I thought and remember about my sisters...

When something is 'unforgivable' that is exactly what it is. Now the stuff that went on with my abortive marriage is more like a touchstone of the kind of betrayal I have put up with my sibs AS ADULTS. There are things that were I to find the words to describe certain event coming out of my mouth or through my fingers, I'd have to stop and end things after the last syllable, the last keystroke. I don't think there is anything positive to gain from any perspective relationship with any of 'them'. If not showing up in November means that I have burned that bridge, then let it burn.

I know that I am not the only person to ever experienced the drain that occurs when those close to them gleefully delights in schadenfreude at their expense. With that being one of many cases I'd bring them up on in court (were there a court for this sort of thing), I don't believe there is any possible benefit for me now, in the future perfect. So I am not going to go and walk my sister down the aisle. Maybe since my ex-wife will be there, she'll walk her down in my stead, no? Well, whatever (gavel struck, motion carried).

WHEN AUDIBLE WHISPERS BECOME CLEAR VOICES

That is kind of what is happening now. Like Nietzsche, my formula for happiness is just as simple. A yes, a no, a straight line, and a goal. Hindsight shows that when there has been something missing from that equation, like with most problems, it cannot be correctly solved. Either there was an indecision, a slant to a line or the goal was so obscure that maybe there wasn't a goal to be reached at all.

Between my financial shortfalls and breakdowns in lines of communication, I have had to take into consideration once more of not going west, at least not at this time. Did think about doing a 'help a brother out' thing and have received a donation for that purpose. Should solicit for myself on here but...

... if I go to Dearborn, Garden City, or even to Westland, I can do that from a 'standing jump'. I'd only consider pestering people if I were to go on to Omaha. Now maybe a few of you are asking, "Well dude, why wouldn't you? You've only talked about going 'out west' for nearly three years! What is the problem?"

It isn't only the financing that is a potential problem. There is also personal concerns of mine that must be allayed that to overlook would have the same effect of leaving Detroit before attending my FOC hearings had on my stay in Virginia. To do so is to plan for fail and it seems as though the stakes for me are far higher than they were this time last year.

PERSONAL ACCOUNTABILITY

Because I can take care of myself to move to either a local place or going out west have different pluses and minuses. The familiarity and relative safety of the places here are big items on that side of the ledger. But the 'magic' that going to Nebraska would have for me scores high, as does the purpose of being isolated from family. I think I will swim pretty well all on my lonely, thank you very much.

That is where staying has its biggest draw on me. Any of the towns hear that I have mentioned still have class/cultural dividing lines through them. At this time they still do not relate to Detroit as say, the boroughs of NYC relate to each other or the north and south sides of Chicago does. In short, you have still managed to have escaped to another country, by living there.

So what to do, what to do?

7 comments:

Thomas said...

I first noticed Against Me! for their song "Thrash Unreal." The way they used the line "If she had to it all over again she wouldn't change a single thing…" is nothing less than tragic. (The video sucks, but the song is amazing.)

Bucko (a.k.a., Ken) said...

I say you need to give Nebraska a try so you never have to wonder, What If?

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Jonthy, Alice the uppity white cat's babysitter said...

Mark,
I laughed when I thought about your ex walking your sister down the aisle.

Only you can know where you feel most comfortable at any given moment. You have sounded confident and up-beat in your last few posts and comfortable in your own skin.

As far as your injuries and chance of memory loss, you know that I deal with my mom's dementia ever day. It's given me a new outlook on life. Those who love you will love you when that day ever comes (if it ever comes). I think your writing will help you keep it real. Take care friend.

That corgi :) said...

I agree with what Ken said in his comment, Mark. I think you do need to give Nebraska a try. Its been such a recurrent theme and dream and plan almost since I started reading your blog. makes me wish I was in a position to help you get there because I believe you could do good there. It is hard though to leave family and their support and go into unfamiliar waters. I am praying for you.

betty

mac said...

You know I'm with you on your sisters. Some things, even when forgiven, cannot be forgotten. Nor should they be, lest we allow ourselves to be victims.

As far as Nebraska goes, that's a tough call. I believe YOU will make what ever decision is right for YOU.

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